Lance had been over the moon to go to that wedding as Miu’s date.
Though being on display to her friends and free company had been a tad
bit embarrassing. Though the mood had sobered up a bit once they had
been alone. Well mostly alone even though one of her drunk friends slept
on in the room next to where they had stood.
She had asked
after his well being since it had been days since they had last met. He
hadn’t wanted to worry her. Hadn’t wanted to admit he had an encounter
with Savara. He had been in Camp Dragonhead at the time when Savara made
yet another appearance. His wounds had been minor in comparison to
those also injured in fending off the dragon. But he had not been able
to lie to her. Not to Miu.
Unfortunately his work had kept
her from seeing her again for a few days. Thankfully it had been an
uneventful few days. No more injuries to report. Those that he had had
were fine with a little healing help from Miu the last they were
together. However…
He had not expected the wound that was dealt
when he met with Miu last night. It was not physical but emotional. She
had broken things off between them. His family had gotten between them.
Not in a literal sense. But she had been worried about him. Worried
about his future if they remained together. She had not also been ready.
Seeing her ex-lover at the wedding had reminded her of painful times.
Lance’s
fist hit the stone wall. The metal of his gauntlet protecting his hand
from more then possibly bruising. He was disappointed and upset about
this turn in his life. He heaved a sigh as he leaned against the wall,
resting his forehead against the cold stone.
Miu wanted to
remain his friend and steadfast ally. She still wanted to help him
explore that dreaded place in his mad quest. Still cared about him. Just
not in the way he had hoped. But he still had her in his life. They had
only dated twice. He had hoped too soon. It was his own fault really.
He knew better. But it still stung. Still hurt that his family was part
of the reason for what happened last night.
As soon as he was
released from duty for the day he went out into the cold frigid air of
Coerthas. The air burned his lungs as he took a long walk. He needed to
clear his head and his heart.
He would be fine. He knew he would
be. He just needed a few days to process all that had happened. He would
maintain a friendship with Miu. A ghost of a smile crossing his lips at
the thought of her. He’d allow himself a few days to mourn what could
have been. Then life would have to continue. He had a job to do. A life
to live. A cousin to protect. An a High House to serve. Life would move
on as it always did. He would not hide himself away forever. Just a few
days. He just needed a few days.
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Eleven Questions (2)
1. If your character was allowed to murder one person without any consequences, who would that person be and why?
“Whatever Garlean bastard decided on that fight that took my father’s life. He’s the one person I will never forgive. If I wanted to stain my hands with further blood it would be his.” - Destiney
“No one. I would not murder anyone. Not even because I hate them. Any who die by my blade it is because they deserved it for trying to attack something I am sworn to protect. In which case it is no longer murder.” - Lance
2. If your character had one thing to say to their parents before they died, what would it be?
“I love you and I’m so sorry.” - Destiney (OOC: Mostly in answer to the fact she did lose her father an the last time she saw him she never said good-bye and was angry with her parents.)
“I know you have never really approved of my choices but I do not regret them. I’m sorry that we could never come to an understanding an fix what was lost between us.” - Lance
3. Does your character get restless when things are too quiet or do they favour solitude and silence? Why?
“I favor solitude and silence most of the time. I’m not a fan of crowded places. Though I do also enjoy the noise of the Order. They are lively but they are family.” - Destiney
“The silence makes me restless. It usually comes before an attack. But… Noise can also make it hard to hear what is coming. So it is a bit of a mixed feeling. If I am somewhere safe then the silence can be a bit of a bother.” - Lance
4. Your character has been granted 3 wishes; what would they wish for and why?
“My family to be whole again for certain. The death of my father broke our family apart I feel. Leon to not have passed on so soon. I did not have enough time to appreciate everything he had to offer to me. And I would wish I was a better person. That I didn’t have these moments of such dark thoughts or anger that I hurt those I love with words that are not always meant.” - Destiney
“I would wish my family was not so stuck in ways long past. I want them to realize how foolish it is. I wish I could have saved Lord Choldebaimt at the Steel Vigil. He was a great man and did not deserve the fate he ended up with. An for Miu to be happy no matter what happens. My life will always have an element of danger to it. I don’t want to see her lose that smile if something happens to me.” - Lance
5. How does your character tell someone they love them without words?
“Hugs. They are the best way to say this without words. Without making someone believe I want more from them then their precious presence in my life.” - Destiney
“I find this hard to answer. I guess through my undying loyalty. I have only loved a few ladies in my days. My job has been my love for so long I’m a bit out of touch with the world an acceptable behavior.” - Lance
6. As a child, what did your character think they would be when they grew up?
“I thought I would be like my father. A member of the Gods’ Quiver. However things did not go as planned. Now I’m a healer like my mother. Oh the irony of it.” - Destiney
“I thought I would be a knight like my father and grandfather. I did become just that. However I did not join Dzemael. I chose Haillenarte instead. Not a decision I regret.” - Lance
7. Would your character ever cheat to accomplish something?
“That… Would depend what was at stake. Gambling? Bartering? No. It would have to be life or death to cheat. I don’t find cheating acceptable.” - Destiney
“Never. I am above such behavior.” - Lance
8. What does your character view as their worst personality trait?
“ Neuroticism. My emotions are not always stable. The worst my week is going the more likely I am going to be in very dark places in my emotional state.” - Destiney
“I can be Obsessive. When I find something like the rumors of Lord Chlodebaimt’s spirit… I will not stop till I find out if there is any truth of these rumors.” - Lance
9. What’s something that really repulses them?
“Slimey creatures. Anything slimey in general. Keep it away!” - Destiney
“I refuse to answer…” - Lance (OOC: Actually… I haven’t really picked anything for Lance. XD I probably should.)
10. Which one of the five senses is most important to them?
“Touch. Being able to touch someone an know it is not a dream. That they are real an here.” - Destiney
“Sight. Being able to see. See what might be coming and fight back. Seeing Miu’s smiling face. If I had to live my life in darkness without sight… It would be sad world.” - Lance
11. What was something they struggled with greatly and how did they overcome it?
“I struggled for so long. With the consequences of the things I did when I left Ishgard after five years. I decided my vengeance for what the Garleans had taken from me was worth it. Only to learn how foolish I truly was. I was not ready for the nightmares that haunted me nor the fact I realized later that the people I killed… Should not have been punished for those that had killed my father. They had families and loved ones. I had done to them what had been done to me. I had continued the circle of hate an destruction. I am not sure I will ever truly be over it. But… I have those I love and care about. They support me an keep me strong. With them… I can overcome anything. Maybe even this.” - Destiney
“For days… I would not leave my room. I was so lost. I had been a novice when I joined the troops at Steel Vigil. To be one of those… To survive… The man I admired and wanted to be most like gave his life for us. For us that survived. I was not sure where to turn or what steps to take as I wallowed in my misery. I lost myself for a time. My dreams haunted by the roars of dragons. Eventually I found myself once more. I pledged myself to a purpose. If I was going to idolize Lord Chlodebaimt… Then I could not, would not continue to mope about my room in Ishgard like some sort of child. I was a man an it was time I acted as such. I would do my best to see the family and country he loved so much safe. Help to restore the glory lost when Steel Vigil fell. I would honor that man in my own way.” - Lance
“Whatever Garlean bastard decided on that fight that took my father’s life. He’s the one person I will never forgive. If I wanted to stain my hands with further blood it would be his.” - Destiney
“No one. I would not murder anyone. Not even because I hate them. Any who die by my blade it is because they deserved it for trying to attack something I am sworn to protect. In which case it is no longer murder.” - Lance
2. If your character had one thing to say to their parents before they died, what would it be?
“I love you and I’m so sorry.” - Destiney (OOC: Mostly in answer to the fact she did lose her father an the last time she saw him she never said good-bye and was angry with her parents.)
“I know you have never really approved of my choices but I do not regret them. I’m sorry that we could never come to an understanding an fix what was lost between us.” - Lance
3. Does your character get restless when things are too quiet or do they favour solitude and silence? Why?
“I favor solitude and silence most of the time. I’m not a fan of crowded places. Though I do also enjoy the noise of the Order. They are lively but they are family.” - Destiney
“The silence makes me restless. It usually comes before an attack. But… Noise can also make it hard to hear what is coming. So it is a bit of a mixed feeling. If I am somewhere safe then the silence can be a bit of a bother.” - Lance
4. Your character has been granted 3 wishes; what would they wish for and why?
“My family to be whole again for certain. The death of my father broke our family apart I feel. Leon to not have passed on so soon. I did not have enough time to appreciate everything he had to offer to me. And I would wish I was a better person. That I didn’t have these moments of such dark thoughts or anger that I hurt those I love with words that are not always meant.” - Destiney
“I would wish my family was not so stuck in ways long past. I want them to realize how foolish it is. I wish I could have saved Lord Choldebaimt at the Steel Vigil. He was a great man and did not deserve the fate he ended up with. An for Miu to be happy no matter what happens. My life will always have an element of danger to it. I don’t want to see her lose that smile if something happens to me.” - Lance
5. How does your character tell someone they love them without words?
“Hugs. They are the best way to say this without words. Without making someone believe I want more from them then their precious presence in my life.” - Destiney
“I find this hard to answer. I guess through my undying loyalty. I have only loved a few ladies in my days. My job has been my love for so long I’m a bit out of touch with the world an acceptable behavior.” - Lance
6. As a child, what did your character think they would be when they grew up?
“I thought I would be like my father. A member of the Gods’ Quiver. However things did not go as planned. Now I’m a healer like my mother. Oh the irony of it.” - Destiney
“I thought I would be a knight like my father and grandfather. I did become just that. However I did not join Dzemael. I chose Haillenarte instead. Not a decision I regret.” - Lance
7. Would your character ever cheat to accomplish something?
“That… Would depend what was at stake. Gambling? Bartering? No. It would have to be life or death to cheat. I don’t find cheating acceptable.” - Destiney
“Never. I am above such behavior.” - Lance
8. What does your character view as their worst personality trait?
“ Neuroticism. My emotions are not always stable. The worst my week is going the more likely I am going to be in very dark places in my emotional state.” - Destiney
“I can be Obsessive. When I find something like the rumors of Lord Chlodebaimt’s spirit… I will not stop till I find out if there is any truth of these rumors.” - Lance
9. What’s something that really repulses them?
“Slimey creatures. Anything slimey in general. Keep it away!” - Destiney
“I refuse to answer…” - Lance (OOC: Actually… I haven’t really picked anything for Lance. XD I probably should.)
10. Which one of the five senses is most important to them?
“Touch. Being able to touch someone an know it is not a dream. That they are real an here.” - Destiney
“Sight. Being able to see. See what might be coming and fight back. Seeing Miu’s smiling face. If I had to live my life in darkness without sight… It would be sad world.” - Lance
11. What was something they struggled with greatly and how did they overcome it?
“I struggled for so long. With the consequences of the things I did when I left Ishgard after five years. I decided my vengeance for what the Garleans had taken from me was worth it. Only to learn how foolish I truly was. I was not ready for the nightmares that haunted me nor the fact I realized later that the people I killed… Should not have been punished for those that had killed my father. They had families and loved ones. I had done to them what had been done to me. I had continued the circle of hate an destruction. I am not sure I will ever truly be over it. But… I have those I love and care about. They support me an keep me strong. With them… I can overcome anything. Maybe even this.” - Destiney
“For days… I would not leave my room. I was so lost. I had been a novice when I joined the troops at Steel Vigil. To be one of those… To survive… The man I admired and wanted to be most like gave his life for us. For us that survived. I was not sure where to turn or what steps to take as I wallowed in my misery. I lost myself for a time. My dreams haunted by the roars of dragons. Eventually I found myself once more. I pledged myself to a purpose. If I was going to idolize Lord Chlodebaimt… Then I could not, would not continue to mope about my room in Ishgard like some sort of child. I was a man an it was time I acted as such. I would do my best to see the family and country he loved so much safe. Help to restore the glory lost when Steel Vigil fell. I would honor that man in my own way.” - Lance
Eleven Questions (1)
1: How did your character meet their best friend?
“I met Chee and Arthur when I first started as a freelance healer working with other adventurers or mercenaries. I think it was in Ul’dah as we all signed up to work with the Immortal Flames. They were a blessing in a world where I felt lost on where to even begin.” - Destiney
“Best friend… I do not have one. Not unless one counts my duty. There are people I speak with but none that I trust deep enough. Though… I guess Lady Miu could be counted as one though what we share I hope is also more then just that.” - Lance
2: What would your character die for?
“The people I love. I wouldn’t give a second thought of sacrificing myself for them. My life isn’t worth the lives of everyone I love and cherish. My husband, my free company, my friends. Everyone of their lives is worth more then mine alone. If I can give back to them the life that was saved so long ago from the brink of death… Then without a doubt my life for theirs.” - Destiney
“My country, my family, Lady Miu. I am a knight an my life is pledged to Ishgard. If they send me to fight and I die then it was my fate. I pray that Halone though would take mercy upon me. I have so much life left to fight with. I am not ready to return to her hallowed halls just yet but if it is what must be done then I will do it willingly.” - Lance
3: What is the cutest thing your character has ever done?
OOC Destiney: Probably being teased endlessly about her obsession with certain types of elezen. She tends to get very shy and blush around them, sometimes stammering or rambling in her embarrassment. Certain people in the FC even go as far as to tease her about butt biting. She hasn’t done such a thing but it often leaves her flustered if there is a cute guy around.
OOC Lance: Oh gawd. His whole relationship with Miu is entirely adorable right now. It makes me happy enough to giggle at this sap. He’s a hopeless romantic. Just watching these two interacting is so damn cute.
4: What is your character’s deepest, darkest secret?
OOC Destiney: I answered something like this in a ask a short while ago. So I’ll try to summarize. She has bad reactions to Garlean bases due to an old incident. An because she is still healing emotionally she has moments of self-destructive tendencies. An she can not fight other people because of her incident. Partly personal choice and partly because she simply can’t make herself do it.
OOC Lance: He won’t willing admit he’s scared for the future. He’s at a very thin edge with his family an the fall honestly scares him. He’d rather face down dragons or heretics then admit how scared he is for what the future holds if his family casts him out.
5: What is the most surprising thing about your character?
OOC Destiney: I had never intended Destiney to be such a emotionally broken mess. I never thought she’d make me cry some days. Quite literally. I wanted her to have a bit of turmoil in her past but it evolved into something a bit darker then originally planned. But for her it works. It just and I can’t explain it. I guess what surprises me most is finding a FC willing to take an deal with her crap an give me such acceptance despite Dest being such an idiot at times. :)
OOC Lance: I had intended Lance to be more… Snobbish and sarcastic. A upper class snob. He turned out completely different then my original vision. He ended up being this loving and caring man with a sort of white knight complex. What surprises me most is just how much he’s changed from my original vision into something so warm and happy. That despite all the darkness that looms over the horizon he still pushes to find the light an goodness. I just want to hug him an try to keep all that darkness from trying to drag him down. He’s almost like a brilliant light of hope.
6: If you could title your character’s life, what would you title it?
OOC Destiney: Darkest Before Dawn. Destiney has moments where she feels so broken and consumed by dark emotions. Yet she always finds a way back out, usually with help from those she loves and cares about. It’s always darkest before the light of dawn chases away the shadows of night. So I found this rather fitting for Destiney.
OOC Lance: Winter’s End. Because he has finally left the cold endless winter of Coerthas. He’s begun to see more of the world beyond those frosted windows. He’s found a woman he likes to refer to as his Summer Sun. At the end of Winter comes Spring, hope for a new beginning. This is Lance’s new beginning. A time where he came finally come into his own.
7: What is their deadly sin?
“Wrath. I can be… fairly vengeful.“ - Destiney
“Pride. I’ve always had a lot of Pride as a knight and as a man. I’m not afraid to admit it.” - Lance
8: What is one question they’ve always wanted an answer to?
“Why was I spared when I wanted to die? I was throwing away my life. I didn’t deserve to be saved.” - Destiney
“Was there something we missed or something we could have done differently to stop the fall of Steel Vigil? It will haunt me till the day I die.” - Lance
9: What would it take to break them, inside and out?
“Being broken once wasn’t enough? … Losing everything I have now. My friends and my family I’ve made. I’ve come so far from that day. If I lost it all now… I don’t think I could find my way out of that darkness again. Leon isn’t here to put me back together again this time.” - Destiney
“… I… Losing Lady Miu or my cousin. Losing my position as a knight for Haillenarte would be devastating yet… If I lost Miu or Destiney I am not sure I would have the strength to walk back into that bleak landscape of Coerthas anymore. How could I keep calling myself a knight knowing I had failed them in some way.” - Lance
10: Where are they ticklish?
“Excuse me?! Keep your hands away from my sides! Unless you wish to be smacked in the head with a book!” - Destiney
“Uh… M-my under arms. I do not want to hurt you. I’d suggest keeping your hands to yourself.” - Lance
11: Would you want to hang out with your character?
OOC: HAHAHA. I hang out with them in my head all the time! :P They’re parts of me. ^^/ I have a small group of characters spending time in the back of my head at all times. Destiney and Lance are always among them now. Welcomed with open arms by the others. Welcome to the insane asylum of my mind.
“I met Chee and Arthur when I first started as a freelance healer working with other adventurers or mercenaries. I think it was in Ul’dah as we all signed up to work with the Immortal Flames. They were a blessing in a world where I felt lost on where to even begin.” - Destiney
“Best friend… I do not have one. Not unless one counts my duty. There are people I speak with but none that I trust deep enough. Though… I guess Lady Miu could be counted as one though what we share I hope is also more then just that.” - Lance
2: What would your character die for?
“The people I love. I wouldn’t give a second thought of sacrificing myself for them. My life isn’t worth the lives of everyone I love and cherish. My husband, my free company, my friends. Everyone of their lives is worth more then mine alone. If I can give back to them the life that was saved so long ago from the brink of death… Then without a doubt my life for theirs.” - Destiney
“My country, my family, Lady Miu. I am a knight an my life is pledged to Ishgard. If they send me to fight and I die then it was my fate. I pray that Halone though would take mercy upon me. I have so much life left to fight with. I am not ready to return to her hallowed halls just yet but if it is what must be done then I will do it willingly.” - Lance
3: What is the cutest thing your character has ever done?
OOC Destiney: Probably being teased endlessly about her obsession with certain types of elezen. She tends to get very shy and blush around them, sometimes stammering or rambling in her embarrassment. Certain people in the FC even go as far as to tease her about butt biting. She hasn’t done such a thing but it often leaves her flustered if there is a cute guy around.
OOC Lance: Oh gawd. His whole relationship with Miu is entirely adorable right now. It makes me happy enough to giggle at this sap. He’s a hopeless romantic. Just watching these two interacting is so damn cute.
4: What is your character’s deepest, darkest secret?
OOC Destiney: I answered something like this in a ask a short while ago. So I’ll try to summarize. She has bad reactions to Garlean bases due to an old incident. An because she is still healing emotionally she has moments of self-destructive tendencies. An she can not fight other people because of her incident. Partly personal choice and partly because she simply can’t make herself do it.
OOC Lance: He won’t willing admit he’s scared for the future. He’s at a very thin edge with his family an the fall honestly scares him. He’d rather face down dragons or heretics then admit how scared he is for what the future holds if his family casts him out.
5: What is the most surprising thing about your character?
OOC Destiney: I had never intended Destiney to be such a emotionally broken mess. I never thought she’d make me cry some days. Quite literally. I wanted her to have a bit of turmoil in her past but it evolved into something a bit darker then originally planned. But for her it works. It just and I can’t explain it. I guess what surprises me most is finding a FC willing to take an deal with her crap an give me such acceptance despite Dest being such an idiot at times. :)
OOC Lance: I had intended Lance to be more… Snobbish and sarcastic. A upper class snob. He turned out completely different then my original vision. He ended up being this loving and caring man with a sort of white knight complex. What surprises me most is just how much he’s changed from my original vision into something so warm and happy. That despite all the darkness that looms over the horizon he still pushes to find the light an goodness. I just want to hug him an try to keep all that darkness from trying to drag him down. He’s almost like a brilliant light of hope.
6: If you could title your character’s life, what would you title it?
OOC Destiney: Darkest Before Dawn. Destiney has moments where she feels so broken and consumed by dark emotions. Yet she always finds a way back out, usually with help from those she loves and cares about. It’s always darkest before the light of dawn chases away the shadows of night. So I found this rather fitting for Destiney.
OOC Lance: Winter’s End. Because he has finally left the cold endless winter of Coerthas. He’s begun to see more of the world beyond those frosted windows. He’s found a woman he likes to refer to as his Summer Sun. At the end of Winter comes Spring, hope for a new beginning. This is Lance’s new beginning. A time where he came finally come into his own.
7: What is their deadly sin?
“Wrath. I can be… fairly vengeful.“ - Destiney
“Pride. I’ve always had a lot of Pride as a knight and as a man. I’m not afraid to admit it.” - Lance
8: What is one question they’ve always wanted an answer to?
“Why was I spared when I wanted to die? I was throwing away my life. I didn’t deserve to be saved.” - Destiney
“Was there something we missed or something we could have done differently to stop the fall of Steel Vigil? It will haunt me till the day I die.” - Lance
9: What would it take to break them, inside and out?
“Being broken once wasn’t enough? … Losing everything I have now. My friends and my family I’ve made. I’ve come so far from that day. If I lost it all now… I don’t think I could find my way out of that darkness again. Leon isn’t here to put me back together again this time.” - Destiney
“… I… Losing Lady Miu or my cousin. Losing my position as a knight for Haillenarte would be devastating yet… If I lost Miu or Destiney I am not sure I would have the strength to walk back into that bleak landscape of Coerthas anymore. How could I keep calling myself a knight knowing I had failed them in some way.” - Lance
10: Where are they ticklish?
“Excuse me?! Keep your hands away from my sides! Unless you wish to be smacked in the head with a book!” - Destiney
“Uh… M-my under arms. I do not want to hurt you. I’d suggest keeping your hands to yourself.” - Lance
11: Would you want to hang out with your character?
OOC: HAHAHA. I hang out with them in my head all the time! :P They’re parts of me. ^^/ I have a small group of characters spending time in the back of my head at all times. Destiney and Lance are always among them now. Welcomed with open arms by the others. Welcome to the insane asylum of my mind.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Thoughts - Lancefer
Lance felt like he was walking on air as he went to his next day of
duty in Skyfire Locks. He may not have been able to find his cousin but
his day with Miu had been nothing short of perfect.
Finding his cousin still worried his mind though. The few days he had shadowed her before his date had left him troubled. She had seemed so… Disturbed. There just had not been the usual mood about her. She had seemed so detached an almost… Broken. This was not the cousin he had gotten used to spying on. Something was clearly wrong.
He tried to keep his thoughts on Miu as he worked. He had kissed the girl for crying out loud. Even more that she had kissed him back! But slowly his thoughts became troubled with other problems. If his family found out about his affections for the small miqo’te woman… They would surely cast him out. Even if he was no longer heir to the family name he had still been expected to marry well an carry on the family name. This would not be the kind of woman they expected him to end up with.
A frown creased his brow as he looked out over the winter landscape of Coerthas. How was he to keep protecting both ladies? He had to find a way to keep all the truths hidden behind lies to his family.
He had to find his cousin as soon as he could. He was worried for her. He had tried last night to find her with no success. His cousin apparently did not want to be found. Not that he had had much luck finding Raiden either. He still wanted to seek Raiden for training or at least to challenge the man in hopes of strengthening himself. Things around the Order’s house had been so… Subdued feeling. Something had happened. Something bad.
Now he just had to wait for his duty to end for the day. He would try again. Destiney was out there somewhere. Hopefully whatever was going on would pass if he could not. Miu had told him to speak with Destiney. He was done hiding in the shadows.
A heavy sigh as he looked away from the snow. He was worried for his future and the future of his cousin. His future with Miu. But he could not be afraid. He had to keep fighting. No more hiding in shadows. It was time to be open and honest. It was time to confront the monster head on.
A small smile as he thought again on that day with Miu by the waterfall. Together with her. She was his strength right now. He would get through anything and everything as long as he had her. She was his summer sun in the never ending winter of his life.
Just like a rose. Together they had something beautiful but he was the thorns protecting the beauty an joy that was Miu, the rose.
Finding his cousin still worried his mind though. The few days he had shadowed her before his date had left him troubled. She had seemed so… Disturbed. There just had not been the usual mood about her. She had seemed so detached an almost… Broken. This was not the cousin he had gotten used to spying on. Something was clearly wrong.
He tried to keep his thoughts on Miu as he worked. He had kissed the girl for crying out loud. Even more that she had kissed him back! But slowly his thoughts became troubled with other problems. If his family found out about his affections for the small miqo’te woman… They would surely cast him out. Even if he was no longer heir to the family name he had still been expected to marry well an carry on the family name. This would not be the kind of woman they expected him to end up with.
A frown creased his brow as he looked out over the winter landscape of Coerthas. How was he to keep protecting both ladies? He had to find a way to keep all the truths hidden behind lies to his family.
He had to find his cousin as soon as he could. He was worried for her. He had tried last night to find her with no success. His cousin apparently did not want to be found. Not that he had had much luck finding Raiden either. He still wanted to seek Raiden for training or at least to challenge the man in hopes of strengthening himself. Things around the Order’s house had been so… Subdued feeling. Something had happened. Something bad.
Now he just had to wait for his duty to end for the day. He would try again. Destiney was out there somewhere. Hopefully whatever was going on would pass if he could not. Miu had told him to speak with Destiney. He was done hiding in the shadows.
A heavy sigh as he looked away from the snow. He was worried for his future and the future of his cousin. His future with Miu. But he could not be afraid. He had to keep fighting. No more hiding in shadows. It was time to be open and honest. It was time to confront the monster head on.
A small smile as he thought again on that day with Miu by the waterfall. Together with her. She was his strength right now. He would get through anything and everything as long as he had her. She was his summer sun in the never ending winter of his life.
Just like a rose. Together they had something beautiful but he was the thorns protecting the beauty an joy that was Miu, the rose.
Journal Entry 31 - Destiney
I must be so broken an be the only one who can not see it. How could I feel nothing about ten dead children! Ten! I felt numb and empty. Yet… I was so near to being sick watching the rest of the Order kill the bandits responsible. I spent the better part of two days wandering about wondering why I felt so little. Was I really so broken I could feel so little about dead children? That I could find no rage. That I could find no killing calm towards those responsible. Had I shattered myself so badly that day outside Occidens that I could no longer find that rage an anger for such a tragedy?
I thought I was going to be okay. I thought I could be strong an help those who needed it. I thought I could repay the kindness I have received ever since joining the Order. I told Rhisi I was fine. That I could find no rage like everyone else could. She hoped I would never find it again. I thought I was fine. But time only made me doubt myself.
I found Leera outside the house a few days ago. I was cautious at first as I usually am. I know what the others think of him. I know I can never fully trust him. But… He seemed like he was actually sorry about the whole incident. I found myself drawn towards him like a moth to a flame.
When Felix showed… I said words I should never had said. I felt as if a slap to my face would have been less painful or even a sword to the gut… He thought… I was stupid for wanting to be around Leera. Even though he was the one who first left me alone with him! Even though he never once thought to ask if I was okay after finding out the truth about Leera in person! He claims Leera is a monster an only wants to kill certain members of the Order… Yet… I see more to the man then that. I can see some shred of good in him. I want to believe that maybe there is a chance he can be something more.
Dusk had happened by during our exchange of words. She called my behavior childish… Maybe… I think I had a right to my feelings. I felt so raw and hurt. I felt so… Alone. I wanted to curl into a ball an wish the world away. I threw words at her. I told her how I felt. Blamed things on those that made me feel as if… as if… I was not a person. I blamed Oni and his treating Daisy and I as snacks. I blamed Aimee an her lack of making sure I knew my job as a healer for the Order. I blamed Felix for thinking less of me. I blamed everyone but my weak self at the time…
As she left I noticed Leera had left a linkpearl near me when he had left. I grabbed it an held it tight. I felt… Defiant. Hurt and defiant. I wanted to prove them wrong. Prove to them that maybe there was a shred of humanity inside the man they thought of as a monster. That even as fragile as I can be in their eyes… I can still be strong in different ways. Continue to reforge the broken parts of myself as I had been. I had been doing so well…
It was after that exchange that I had gone out with my bow. I was still feeling so raw an hurt. I figured a few drinks with Basteaux an forgetting the world was in order. Instead all I found was more pain. This time physical. I was forced to flee from some bandits as I was lacking care as I traveled through the woods. Somewhere along the line I had fallen. Tried to stop my fall with my bow hand. I know the wrist is sprained. And… I do not care. I welcomed the pain. Once I was safe I took the time to wrap my wrist and hand. Not well since I was doing it with only one hand.
I’m still so… Mixed. So hurt an sad. I don’t want to bother Rhisi. I don’t want to bother anyone. I just… I’m not sure what I want. I have avoided the hall since that night. I’ve avoided all contact with the rest of the Order. I’m… not sure… What I am going to do come tomorrow… I should be there for the mission… But… I just do not know… Twelve help me… Maybe I should use that linkpearl Leera left me… Is this a mistake? Should I have not picked it up at all? Maybe I should just let myself believe what they say about him instead… Is it really wrong of me to want to think that maybe Leera might change for the better with the right influences? I won’t know without trying… It could mean my death… It could mean more pain… I should be afraid… But I’m not…