Journal Entry 23 - Destiney

The last mission was… Not really much of a success.

The gardens outside of Ul’dah were experiencing crops disappearing. So we went out to look into their problem. We fully expected our ‘friend’ in the magitek to come after us at some point.

We split up into two teams. I was with Oni, Felix, Chloe, and Rhisi. We followed the tracks towards the end of the line. We found a bunch of shrews pushing the missing crops towards crates. Shrews are not that intelligent of creatures. We knew someone had to be behind this. We followed what appeared to be an aether trail. Which led us towards where the other half of the group was.

Chloe wondered if the tunnels or caves beneath us might be where that trail really led instead. But we never got a chance to find out. That damn Magitek rider was attacking a nearby camp. We hurried to respond, putting out the fires and pulling survivors out to safety where we could tend to their wounds. Once things were better under control a few of our team went to try an find that Magitek but it and the crops were gone without a trace.

I was busy with things of my own the next day. I had my own house to worry about an some freelance work I had been putting off. So I did not see anyone from the Order that day. An there was nothing particularly of note worth mentioning that day either. Just being healer for a few groups of freelancers on odd jobs.

I stopped by the Order house yesterday after running some errands. I felt like I was being watched as I paused near the fence. Well I was being watched. By Oni. An he was in one of those moods again. The kind of mood that sends a shiver down my spine. Well it did not help when he spoke that I may have shrieked just a bit an definitely jumped. I was not expecting him to be perched high upon the stone fence above my line of sight.

He said I had not been training. I told him I had been busy an had had no time to speak with Aimee let alone do some kind of training. He started calling my aether small an compared it to unripe fruit. An talked of going to nibble on Quarcy’s aether. Now… I was not making it sound like I wanted to be Oni’s snack… But I found his words insulting.

Felix came by during our conversation. I was so focused upon Oni that he startled me. Yes… I jumped again… He did not stay too long though before he decided to head inside an get something to drink.

Oni asked me if I knew what my aether looked like. I of course answered. Shades of blue. Soft shades. Like the color of ice or the sky. An then he mentioned I should be able to show him something if my aether was not small. I’ve never attempted to do anything with aether other then healing before. As it is I have only been a healer for about two years. So I am still doing the best I can. I was determined to prove myself to Oni. I’m not sure why. It just bothered me so much that I felt inferior. Like I was not good enough. He never said those words but… I still felt like he might as well have said them.

I managed to form a small blue ball of aether in the palms of my hands. I was happy. I was not sure if I could do it. My Uncle had never mentioned using aether in this fashion. Of course then I had a rather wicked idea in my head. I may not have had a book to chuck at Oni’s head but now I had this ball of aether. He had been so darn annoying that I threw that ball at him instead. I hoped it would hold together an not break apart before hitting him. If he wanted me to train… I would make him target practice. Unfortunately he caught the ball. Fortunately it had held together surprisingly well. I’m pretty sure when he disappeared from sight it was to eat that ball of aether… Next time I will make it a sneak attack.

I managed to find him sitting up on the awning near the door. Of course I seem to be very jumpy lately cause he did spook me again. We were talking an Aimee arrived back to the house. It was around there that our talk began heading towards soul stones. Well first Oni asked if he could eat Daisy… I was not letting him attempt eating my fairy… I have no idea if that would affect the way I summon her or if doing so would end her existence. Something I would simply rather not take a chance upon. That was when we started discussing the subjects and soul stones. It was… Interesting to hear about once I learned they only eat the aether of the stones an not the stones themselves. So anything placed within is still safe. It just needs… A sort of jump start with fresh aether.

Eventually Oni decided he was hungry an wanted to go hunt. I had things to work on anyways. So I went into the house an to my room. I worked on my studies for a bit before I laid down on the couch with a recent novel I had picked up. I managed to fall asleep reading an totally miss the beach gathering.

The dream I had last night… Was both pleasant and a nightmare. Thankfully it was not the usual nightmare that sometimes likes to haunt my dreams. I think that talk with Oni plus falling asleep reading that novel had been a bad pairing. I dreamed of Leon…

I dreamed of soul stones and Leon. Of subjects with sharp teeth like Leera. Glowing eyes and evil smiles. Monsters made of aether. An Leon’s warming embrace as he drove away the darkness. I finally awoke an dove for the stones where I had left them on the table. I clasped that green stone to my chest as tears silently fell down my cheeks.

What if some part of Leon was still with the stone he left me as he died? What would happen if his stone ever fall into Garlean hands like those used in the experiments? Would he be like the Others who were devoured by the subjects? Or could he end up like Oni and Raiden? It was so hard to imagine… So hard to think that there was a chance this was what Leon had meant by death was not the end… Hard to picture losing any last shred of Leon if this stone were to end up like the ones Oni had described… Assuming there was even any part of him in this stone.

I’ve barely ever made use of the stone he left behind with me. I still occasionally privately use his old harp for my own comfort. I had never considered there may be more to these stones then a bunch of old memories. I sought help from those cards I had been trying to get used to. However they were unhelpful. The answers were confusing an unclear. Just like my thoughts. Maybe my own confusion was not helping any. I eventually gave up an went to bed again once I was able to calm down enough.

Today is another day. Hopefully some work will help to clear my head an heart.

Journal Entry 22 - Destiney

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. Well not in a bad way thankfully. Definitely anything but bad. Just busy. Busy is always good.

Sarabi and I met at the bar upstairs in the house where I had my books an notes spread out. We discussed what we were able to find out as well as some theories we tossed around. Something makes up believe that this is all connected somehow. That our friend in that magitek is somehow related to everything.

We were nearing the end of our conversation when Aimee came into the house. Leera was with her… I… I tried hard to keep myself indifferent to the fact he was present. He blames me for the less then warm reception he has around the house now. I had every right to warn those involved after that night. It is my fault yes but I do not feel guilty over it. I have no reason to.

Though… In a way… I owe Leera. That night in the shroud… The things that occurred after… It was like the first stepping stone that showed me I need to change the way I see some things. Find a way to fix things. In a way… I still feel like I want back that easy conversation between us again. It was so hard to sit there an not want to talk to him. I know it may not be wise… An it was most definitely not something I would do with Aimee present. I think her presence kept me from doing so.

Leera though bolted as Oni arrived home. I kept my distance after the night before. I was not so much afraid as I was cautious since Oni claimed the other night he would not hurt me. I had no idea what sort of state Oni was in now though. Anger was definitely clear as I walked downstairs to see him near the doors. Leera had done a good job annoying him by being here at the house. Aimee and Oni talked mostly. I said a few things here an there but I mostly observed. From the safety of the railing on the first landing heading upstairs. I may have at one point called it creepy, seeing the boys’ aetheric energies like I was when Oni had first arrived. Aimee helpfully suggested a better choice of word. Yes it is different.

Aras was about the house apparently. I had not even realized she was there for bit. Hiding back near the bookshelves reading a book. I finally came down the stairs the rest of the way an had a pleasant conversation with the girl. Thankfully no mention of the Flatts was made. We talked a bit about something an it eventually lead into talk of research.

The next day I was able to catch Rhisi before our mission. I mentioned what Sarabi an I had found out to her. As well as I gave her our theories on our ‘friend’ who attacks us. I even told her I had done a simple reading with the cards on our mission for this evening. The gist of it was ‘hope in a crucial time’. I hoped so. I was not looking forward to another night rife with danger when the mission seemed like something so simple.

It looked like it was to just be the four of us. Rhisi, Aimee, Raiden, and myself. We decided it might be best to walk an avoid the Coffer an Atheryte entirely. A precaution in trying to avoid another attack. We encountered Aras along the way an she joined us. We got to the site, the Spriggans still agitated but not nearly as badly as the last time. Less rocks thrown. Still rocks but definitely not nearly as many. We encountered an elezen man, a scholar of sorts down near the ruins. We sought his opinion on the fountain we had found since he was studying down here anyways.

I followed him, his name Quarcy, over towards the waterfall to check out the source of the noise after he had done something to the fountain. I was interested in him. No not in -that- sort of way. More in a intellectual standpoint. He’s not really my type. He’s cute in his own way but not really… Hmm. Just not really my type. Though I would gladly be his friend. It is not often I find someone I can stand with an talk with so easily about something of a more intellectual nature. Especially when it comes to men. I find intelligent ladies more often to talk to then men. Anyways I’m rambling off topic.

We discussed some of what we both knew about the ruins an the Spriggans as we looked around. We found the source of what was blocking the pipes to that fountain. We took our findings back over to Rhisi. It had been deliberately done by someone. The others had returned from checking out the end of the stream, finding there is some sort of cavern below. Possibly the hiding place of our attacker. After all one needs somewhere to hide that Magitek of theirs.

We returned to the house. Rhisi invited Quarcy and Aras to join us as a way of thanking them for their help. I got some orange juice for Quarcy as we talked. Aimee and Raiden were talking nearby. I am unsure of where Aras has gone. Eventually Aimee an Raiden joined us in the kitchen where Aimee offered to make tea using leaves Quarcy offered. As Aimee made tea and Raiden went to remove his armor, Quarcy and I went upstairs to sit on the couch. Raiden eventually came upstairs to join us.

Raiden and I… Gods save me… He was tormenting me in front of Quarcy. Even threatened to lick me if I kept sticking my tongue out at him. Eventually however I had to call it a night when Raiden mentioned he was. I had finally looked at the clock. Ugh. It was so late. I had not realized it. I hoped out behavior had not scared Quarcy off of coming back again. I would like to talk to him some more.

Last night was a simple night at the house. Well… Sort of. I was near the market board when Oni came over the linkpearl. Something about someone wanting a fight with him. I made my way over to the house to see what was going on. Apparently some lalafell man was trying to get Oni to spar with him. I stayed back out of sight for the moment to listen to the conversation going on between Oni, Aimee, an Meis. Rhisi however arrived at the house while I was standing there out of easy sight. I guess my listening from the back was over. Though hearing that Meis fellow flirting with Aimee I nearly laughed out loud. Oh boy… So he is that kind of fellow.

I went inside after Rhisi to escape the discussion in the yard. I sat down at the bar upstairs an talked with Rhisi for a few moments before Meis came up an sat down on the seat beside me. An then decidedly chose to be somewhat flirty with me even… Ugh… He was so damn forward. More people began to join us after a time. Including Quarcy and Aras. I was very glad to see Quarcy had returned despite the way topics of conversation went the night before because of Raiden an I.

I… Quickly thought of a lie when Meis commented the flower in my hair. I had hoped a mention of my husband giving it to me would cease his interest in me. I was most definitely not interested in him. With Raiden I expect him to tease an flirt but it is mostly harmless. Besides Raiden… Raiden is Raiden. Handsome and annoying in equal measure. Meis… I just did not like him. His behavior rubbed me the wrong way. Especially with how ready to fight he was with any man who seemed to him like a good opponent. Though I nearly laughed when he asked if Quarcy was my husband. Poor Quarcy.

I talked with Quarcy for a bit as we drank. I was trying a new wine Rhisi had gotten by suggestion. It was pretty good. Eventually I began to get lost in thoughts of last week… I lost the thread of conversation. Quarcy had begun talking with Rhisi an guest beside him anyways. So I did not feel so bad for spacing out in my own thoughts.

Dusk called over the linkpearl about needing medical attention outside for her friend. I volunteered to go take care of it. Partly to be helpful an partly because I needed the fresh air. Thankfully the injury was only a bad burn to Pas’ palm. I was able to tend to it. As well as have a chance to introduce myself to her. I had been distracted with other conversation at the beginning of the week when she was at dinner. I suggested they be more careful with spells for a bit, not repeating the same spell until she had a chance to see if feeling would return to her hand. I hope so… Otherwise… I do not like the thought that I have made a mistake somehow. I returned outside an left them to their work.

I have no idea what was being discussed now since I had been away. Apparently Oni was going to give Meis his fight though. Aimee and Illust went with the two of them down to the training room for it. I asked Rhisi for some tea. I had had enough wine for one night. All it did was bring back memories I do not want to think about right now. Feelings of sorrow as I have still not seen Felix to apologize. Eventually Rhisi brought me from my thoughts as she asked me to show Quarcy to a guest quarter.

I had shown him there an mentioned if he needed anything my room was down the hall. I was… surprised when he asked to see my room. I had nothing against showing him my room  of course. He does not seem like the type who would do anything bad. He was quite thrilled at the amount of books in my room. Though I think meeting Lady took him by surprise. I had mentioned to him I had a dragonet earlier. Thankfully she did nothing more then laze about on his head for a bit.

I think maybe I should not have had the wine at all. We got to talking about things… I… Mentioned some of my hurts. My father’s death an my incident with Castrum Occidens. I am not sure why but I felt so comfortable in his presence. He was very kind an caring as he listened to me. I was even surprised as he gave me a brief hug. He in turn told me a little about his childhood. I did not push him for more then he was willing to give. I was almost disappointed when our time together ended for the night. Now that I think of it… He is the first person who has been in my room other then Oni an Raiden. But I can not say those two count. After all those encounters were nothing like this with Quarcy. Quarcy is…. very sweet. I look forward to working with him an spending time getting to know him better. Sharing our love of books an other intellectual prusuits.

Journal Entry 21 - Destiney

I was hoping to see Felix at our most recent beach gathering in the Mist. Sadly he was not there. Maybe it was for the best since it is meant to be a night to relax.

Of course I had cut my hair that morning. In a sort of honor of my attempting to change. I was worried that it might not suit me since I have never had my hair this short before. However Rhisi seemed to think it was cute.

I mentioned to Rhisi I had begun to mess around with the cards. Nothing too serious until I figure out how they work. I started with something a little personal an simple. I sought answers on if things would turn out alright between Felix an I. The cards seem to think things look hopeful. But I did not wish to tell Rhisi what I had asked them about. It seemed so silly a question but I wanted to start easy. I still do not know if these cards work an I do not wish to get anyone’s hopes up so early. I will continue to mess around with them for the time being until I can give a definite answer on them.

I walked away as more guests arrived. I was still not totally feeling up to interacting with strangers after the night before. I still had a lot on my mind an wanted to just try to relax. Eventually Dusk came over to join me at the water’s edge.

I must admit… I was a bit leery of Dusk before this gathering. But our conversation was actually quite nice. I feel like maybe if I get to know her better I will not find things as creepy as I have before. We talked of family, both those of blood and those of the Order. As well as few other smaller topics.

Eventually we talked of the Black Valley. Not exactly a topic I am comfortable with but I am trying to look at it from a more… impartial view? I am not sure. I know how it feels to desire something for a lost family member. She lost her mother there. I lost my father to Carteneau. So maybe we have at least a slight common ground. I told her I would check with the Wood Wailers and Gods’ Quiver to see if anything turned up. She said disappearances an unusual occurrences tended to happen around areas it appeared. She had been thinking of asking the Adders but I think the Wailers and Quiver might be better sources. They are the ones that actually patrol the Shroud. So I promised to look into any information I could find to help her out.

I sat there by myself for a while after Dusk left. I could catch bits an pieces of Aimee and Oni talking nearby. However their voices were too low most of the time to catch much. An I was not trying to eavesdrop either. After a bit Chloe and Neiven joined me where I was sitting. I completely forgot about Aimee and Oni after that.

I had a relaxing if not confusing conversation with Neiven and Chloe. It was not of any one thing in particular either. A bunch of small things really. Ending with some innocent fun. Well an one tickle attack against Chloe after she poked my ear. As our fun wound down I told Chloe I would like to hear more of her home sometime. Of course not right then. It was getting late. I bid her goodnight an went back to the house.

I spent the morning yesterday working some more on my research. I left my room after a time to get a chance to stretch my legs and work out any stiffness that I gained from sitting there so long in a morning. Of course I resumed again after I felt like I had had a good work out. Well after a nice relaxing bath.

I was ready to pause in my research again around dinner time. I had heard Rhisi over the linkpearl announcing dinner was soon so I changed clothes an went to see if I could give her a hand. I set the table as she worked on finishing the cooking. Dusk an Chloe were the first two to arrive while I was setting things down.

We had quite a few guests last evening. There was so much conversation going on that I spent most of the time sitting there just listening to pieces of each. Well until Zhilan sat down beside me. I heard her mention to Konner that she was working on research. So I waited until she was no longer engage with anyone to speak with her. I remembered seeing her at the house a few days ago but I had been so busy chasing Felix for my notebook.

Zhilan and I talked about research for a good while. Both hers and my own. She suggested to me looking into Hydromancy. I think that is what she called it. Something about using water to look into an object’s past. If I could find out enough reliable information this could be useful for things like this research into the Sil’dih ruins from our mission. I offered her my aid in her own research if she needed it before bidding her a good night.

I returned to my own room for a bit as Aimee and Oni arrived at the house. I changed into something more relaxing an went back to my research. Eventually I got up to stretch my legs and to return a book I had borrowed from the shelves from in the house. I literally about ran smack dab into Oni outside of the doors. There were apparently still guests in the house as well. Well two of them seemed engrossed talking to each other while Aras was talking with Oni.

Oni was apparently hungry despite eating dinner such a short while ago. He asked me for crystals or ether. I gave him a vial of ether I tend to carry with me in case of emergencies. He never did give me that vial back… I have no idea if he ate it or is just keeping it. Then I watched him eat a pack of field rations preserved with magic that Aras offered him. Some times I really wonder about Oni’s diet. Maybe I should ask Aimee about it sometime. He also kept mentioning wanting a lick. The last time he licked me I had blue in my hair for a while…

Eventually he disappeared off into my room after Aras left. Something about going to eat the food I had there. He seemed… Insatiable. I chased after him to try an make sure he did not make a mess of all my hard work. I warned him if he made a mess of my research I was going to push him off a dock somewhere.

Then things got creepy. Seeing Oni in this state was already strange enough but after the first time I was not nearly as surprised. What really surprised me was seeing those wisps of aether after the first one brushed against my ankle. Coming from him. It… was almost like watching Leera. But with Leera his was clear to me. Oni’s was not nearly as clear to see but I could still make it out enough to be quite freaked out. I… was torn between holding my ground and making a run for it. I still remembered Raiden’s words of if anyone would eat me it would be Oni or him. So I was just a bit worried. The archer in me knew it was unwise to make any sudden moves. The healer in me was totally ready to bolt.

I had closed my eyes an held up my hands as he got closer. He was gentle as he moved my hands out of the way so he could get closer. I swear he was smelling me. He kept going on about a lick. How I smelled good. How pretty my aether was. An that he wanted me to train with Aimee to make it bigger and prettier. I could swear I felt like it would storm lightening in my room with the way the air felt an smelled.

I nearly sagged to the floor in relief when Oni finally left without even doing anything to me. I thought for sure he was going to at least lick me. Though I think I might be just a bit worried for Aimee since he did mention biting her maybe. But she is also used to dealing with him when he gets like this probably. I think I definitely need to have another talk with Aimee sometime… I think this is something I need to talk to her about. Well… Among other things of course.

I better get back to my research. Sarabi an I are supposed to get together later an discuss what we found.

Partings (Backstory - Destiney)

(Part 4! More backstory for Destiney. Again in first person in attempt to better explain her feelings and the way she sees things.)

I had gone with my uncle and the others on their own journey rather then return to Gridania. My uncle was still not keen on the idea. Both Lady Dove, who I found out her full name was Moon Dove, an Leon thought this would be good for me though. I needed something to keep my mind an hands busy. My uncle though had sent word to both my mother an aunt so neither would worry about my safety. He apparently neglected to tell them though of my near death experience. Which was probably a very wise idea with my mother had already lost so much. It would not be an easy thing for her to accept me traveling with these three but knowing my uncle was watching over my well being was probably at least some relief.

Our first stop was to help deal with some pirates off west of Aleport. Leon kept casting worried glances towards me. I’m unsure why. Since we had left Wineport I was doing at least somewhat better. I think not being so close to the shadows of Occidens was helping at least to some small degree. It was not until we found the pirates an tried to engage them that I would find why he was so worried about me.

Dove was heaving her axe about in an arc keeping most of the attention on herself. Ricard an a small fairy he called Daisy were keeping up with the wounds and shields of aether. Leon fired arrows from his bow with skill that would have made the Quiver eager to have them in their order had he not been a Duskwight.

An I… I was standing there as if frozen… People. We were fighting people. I was trembling as images came to mind of that day at Occidens. Maybe this was why Leon had kept looking at me as we had made our way there. They were pirates. They did not care who they hurt as they did what they did. But the thought did not make it any easier.

One of them had managed to sneak past the others. I could see that triumphant sneer on his face as he ran towards me. Panic took hold of me as he ran at me with that gleaming knife in hand. I could not even raise my bow an shoot at him to keep him back. Instead I screamed an fell backwards. I heard a snarl an then a shadow fell over my fallen form. Leon stood before me using that gleaming white bow of his to block the blow intended for me. I could not see the expression on his face as the two of them separated. The pirate apparently though did not like the look on Leon’s face if I could judge anything by the scared look on his face. Leon was faster then the pirate, arrow notched and ready to fly. I heard the blow more then watched it. I had looked away, wincing at the sound of the arrow piercing flesh.

I had not moved from where I had fallen. The sounds of battle were beginning to dim. I could hear the sounds of feet running, fleeing from a battle they could not win. I finally opened my eyes an looked up, meeting those green eyes I had gotten so used to seeing. Leon’s expression was dark but I could not tell with exactly what emotion he was looking at me with. Or even if whatever mood he was in was towards me or the enemy. He held his hand out towards me, offering me help up from where I sat upon the damp sand. I took that warm hand an tried not to think about what he had just done with those hands.

I was surprised when he pulled me close an wrapped his arms around me for a moment. I felt… Safe. An ashamed. I had insisted upon coming along. I had insisted I would be not be broken. Yet… When it came time to pull that arrow… I had failed. I could not do it.

Eventually he pulled away from me, keeping me at arms length as he check me over for any physical injuries. When he was satisfied that I was unharmed, I felt his hand brush against my cheek. I had not even realized I had started to silently cry. I was not sure if it was from the shame or the fear that I had been close to dying again. Probably the shame of my failure.

“You’re alright. This was simply too much too soon.” He spoke softly before sighing, that dark expression from earlier now gone. Now all that remained was concern an care. “This is not something you’ll get through so easily. Take your time. Just breath right now. Pull yourself together before your Uncle gets over here an decides you’d be better off in Gridania.”

He was right. I did not want to let my uncle pack me off. I wiped my sleeves of my tunic over my face, trying to recover from this ordeal. An maybe it was indeed too much too soon. I was not ready to face other people as my targets. Though I had no one to blame but myself for this.

“Are the both of you alright?” Ricard asked as he an Dove finally joined us.

“Just fine. Nothing I could not handle.” Leon said casually with an air of confidence.

“Good. Then let us be moving. We need to report in on this job an get moving on before it gets too late.”

*~*

Wandering about the world. Seeing many sights along the way. Doing jobs where needed to earn both coin an help those in need. I watched mostly from a safe distance for at least a week. This was becoming how my days went by. Sleeping under the stars some nights rather then finding a bed to rest in.

However it was a few days after that incident with the pirates that I began to have nightmares. What I had done was finally beginning to haunt me. We were out under the stars the first night they hit. All the blood and pain. Those sneering faces. I’m pretty sure I was thrashing in my sleep. Even crying.

“Destiney!” I heard my name called out softly as I bolted to a sitting position, my eyes wide with the fear of that dream as my breath rasped from my lips. I felt his warm arms around me in that starry lit darkness. I felt his hand stroking down the back of my long hair. “It’s okay. It’s just a dream.”

I turned to bury my head against Leon’s chest. Welcoming that warm embrace that made me feel safe. He gently untangled himself from me before pulling me to my feet with him. He walked towards a nearby rock before sitting down with his back against it. I did not even know why he was the only one awake as I had been suffering from that dream. I did not even notice the wan look of his face as he pulled me down to sit beside him.

“I’m sorry… If I woke you…” I apologized as he wrapped one arm around my shoulders an pulled me close, letting me rest my head against him. His hand rubbed my shoulder softly.

“I was already awake. Just go back to sleep. I’ll be right beside you.” He said softly as my eyes started to drift closed again. I felt safe right here. Right beside him. I barely remembered feeling his head coming to rest against mine.

*~*

Eventually we finally reached Limsa. We were stopping for supplies an some rest before heading by airship to Ul'dah. My uncle left us to our own devices but left me with a linkpearl in case I needed to reach him or any of the others if I wandered off by myself. However Leon lingered after the others departed.

“How about I show you what I do for fun?” A grin spread across that lovely tanned face of his. “Of course we should get you some more appropriate clothing for where we’re going.”

I was not sure what Leon intended but I followed him anyways. Soon I wished I had not. He took me to a crafter to have some clothes made for me. It did not take very long as soon I was dressed from head to toe in a very soft sky blue silk. I looked like some sort of exotic dancer. Gold running along the edges and decorating my skin. I could see the approving look in Leon’s eyes. My cheeks were burning with blush as I felt far less clothed then I was used to.

“Where in the world are we going that you seem to insist that I need to dress… Like THIS?” I asked, trying not to be both embarrassed and angry at the same time.

“Just trust me. You’ll have a good time.” Leon said with an amused tone as I followed behind him. I could feel the couple of feathers on the outfit brushing against my skin softly. I felt far under-dressed.

He led me to a bar. I looked around at the woman an men inside as I paused in the doorway. It was not like the Drowning Wench in Limsa. A few ladies were draped over men like the cloth they wore. One of the scantily clad women strutted herself right up to Leon. A grin was plastered on that smug face of his.

“Leon, darling.” She purred as she wrapped her arms around one of his. “You have been gone for so long.”

“Cassandra. You look as radiant as ever.” He drawled as he looked at her with hungry eyes, taking in each curve of her young body. Was this really what he did for fun? Coming to seedy bars an flirty with pretty women?

“I do hope you’ve come to play for us today. I do quite enjoy your skills with that harp. Among other things.” She licked her lips at those last words.

I wanted to be sick. Something inside of me felt so sick just watching the two of them. Another part of me felt furious. Furious that he could be some warm an gentle towards me but seeing him here… Seeing him so openly behaving like this in front of me… Why even bring me here?

“An who is this?” Cassandra asked with a frown as she finally looked my way. There was a sort of distaste in her expression as she looked me over.

“Cassandra this is Destiney. She is traveling with us. I brought her here to teach her how to unwind. Would you be a doll an find her something nice to drink? Something light. I’m sure she is not ready for what I drink.” Leon said gently as he smiled at me before turning to kiss Cassandra’s cheek.

Teach me to unwind? He brought me to a bar to teach me to unwind? I was both furious and annoyed. He made me dress like this just for this? I felt about as well dressed as the girls here flirting around with the men. When we got out of here I intended to give him a piece of my mind. What kind of girl behaved like this? What kind of girl did he think I was? Of all the insufferable things… Prick!

I accepted the sparkling drink Cassandra returned in hand for me. I took a drink of it before making a face. It was not awful but I was not used to the taste. I could tell it was something alcoholic. It was probably not a good idea to be drinking it. I allowed Leon to take my hand an lead me towards what looked like a stage. He set me down in a nearby chair before climbing the steps. I watched him in silence, sipping that wine as he set down an began to ready his harp.

His first tune was light an airy as he warmed up. I could tell at least half of the patrons here were now paying him more attention then the ladies wandering about fetching drinks for them. I was slowly beginning to feel as warm as the music he played as he moved into another tune. Cassandra had eventually brought me another glass of wine. I should have stopped after that first. My head was starting to feel fuzzy an good.

Eventually as he got into a more uplifting beat I got up to dance. I did not care anymore about the eyes on me. I cared about dancing to his music. I felt too good to care as I giggled. My dancing paused as a pair of rough hands found my waist, startling me. I looked up into the weathered face of a rather roguish looking Highlander man. The grin on his face should have been a warning for me. However my mind was not processing things clearly because of the drink. He leaned towards me to try an kiss me. It was then that I was trying to get away from him. I had not even heard the music stop.

A familiar snarl sounded as the Highlander left go of me, hauled away by the back of his shirt collar. I blinked an saw Leon, fury blazing in his eyes as he shoved the man away from me. Cassandra had both hands on her hips before moving to guide the man away from the two of us. I could hear her saying something but the words did not register to me.

“Let’s go.” Leon snarled as he gently grabbed my arm an led me away from the bar.

Once outside I found him pressing me to a wall. His hands were on the wall to either side of my head as he looked down at me. I could still see the anger burning in his eyes. I felt so confused. Between the alcohol burning through my body an his being so close… I felt my cheeks flush with color.

“I said to unwind but I did not mean to let your guard down so much either.” He said as he stood there before me, my eyes on his lips as he spoke. “If I had not been there… Distractions are always nice but you are not ready for that kind of a distraction. Do you even realize what might have happened?”

“No.” I said softly as I leaned up to close that bit of distance between our lips. I was too drunk to care. His lips felt as nice as I had imagined in my mind. So warm an soft. I let out a gasp as he pulled away, pinning me to the wall by my arms now. I could not read the expression on his face. Some mix of pain an desire maybe? I could not decide nor did part of me care.

“Damn it Cassandra…” He cursed the lady’s name as he tried to catch his breath. He finally released his hands from my arms. Instead he grabbed my hand an began to lead me away from this place.

My mind was still on how his lips had felt. The way his hands had held me right then. Those days were I felt his warm arms around me. An his music. Oh the way his music made me feel alive. So warm an good. I had wanted to continue dancing to it all night before it had been interrupted. As if I could forget everything an just listen to it forever. As if I could just follow him forever…

*~*

The next few weeks went by in a blur. At first Leon spoke to me very little. I suspected the whole bar incident was still on his mind. I missed the talk between us during those periods of silence. No a word was breathed to my uncle about the whole situation. Though he did ask once if Leon was alright with how quiet he was being.

Leon had bought me a book the day after he started speaking to me again in that easy manner. I guess in a way it was to apologize. As well as to provide me with a distraction. An each night that nightmares awoke me, he was there at my side. We were once more back to the way things had been before.

I talked with him about my time in Ishgard. About my family. Even about why I had been there at Occidens that day. I told him about Dekkarra. He told me about where he was from, some small part of the Shroud I had never been to. How he had chosen to be a bard. Even how he had met my Uncle and Moon Dove.

Eventually he decided to give me another distraction. He began to teach me how to play his harp. Teaching me the songs he knew over the time we traveled together. I was no where as good as he was but it felt good. Letting the music flow from that gentle instrument. Sometimes adding words to it. Both silly and serious.

We had continued to travel about as a team, the four of us. I thought my days would always be joyous like this. Slowly the pain of my heart was easing. They refrained from jobs that would put us up against other people as much as they could. I knew it was because of me that Leon refused them. I found I could still fight with them when the targets were not other people. People… Still gave me nightmares and made me shake. Though I did not let myself become a victim again like that first time. I was slowly finding my strength to at least defend myself if they came at me. But I could not fire upon them otherwise.

When we were in a city or near a tavern I would watch Leon from a distance. I did not dress like that again. But I watched him flirt an toy with the ladies who came seeking his attention. Yet… There was something in his eyes as I watched. A sort of pain. I watched how he let this distract him from whatever plagued him. He always listened and comforted me but never once spoke of what bothered him. These ladies, the drinks, the behavior was all to hide whatever was hurting him. This is what he chose to use to forget the pain. I do not think he even knew I was watching most days. It had started out partly as curiosity an just a bit of jealously.

Part of me wanted Leon to look at me like he did those women. Why was I not good enough? But then my brain would remind me of Dekkarra. My heart felt like it was torn in two between these men. How could I love them both? Was it really love I was feeling towards Leon or just the fact he was always there to comfort me when I needed it? So I kept my thoughts to myself. Whatever burden he bore was probably already heavy enough without me adding to it with feelings I was unsure of.

*~*

It was a few months later I finally learned just what weight Leon bore… I wished time could have stopped before we reached this moment. Done something to keep things from taking this path… Anything to help him…

He had started coughing as he rode upon his chocobo. I saw the scarlet staining his hand. My eyes widened in concern. His face looked strained as I called for my Uncle. He turned his chocobo around an quickly rode back to join us.

“Leon?” Ricard’s voice was full of concern for his friend as he dismounted. He walked over an helped Leon down from the saddle. I watched my uncle force Leon to sit down with his back against a rock to support him as Dove took care of the chocobos. Even her face was lined with concern. I had too dismounted an knelt nearby wondering if there was anything I could do.

Leon looked awful. His face was so pale despite that tanned skin an his lips flecked with his own blood. I watched him as he shook his head at my uncle. Ricard’s hand found my uncle’s. There was something in the silence between them. Some sort of understanding.

“What? What is wrong?” I asked in near panic at the pain in both of their eyes. “Can you not just heal him?”

“Give us a moment would you, old friend.” Leon said softly to my uncle who just nodded. I watched him walk away to join Dove with the chocobos.

“Leon? I do not understand. What is going on? Tell me what is going on!” I could hear the near panic in my voice. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes but not falling yet. No not yet.

“Dest… Sweet Dest.” I watched as he coughed again, more scarlet staining his lips an hand. “My days are over. I knew they were numbered for a very long time.” His hands took mine, hands I was used to being so warm an strong. Yet always so gentle. Now the tears did finally begin to fall. I did not even care that his hand was bloody as it held mine. “I’ve tried for years to make the most of every day. To live each day as it might be my last… Because it very well could be. I’ve been… ill for a very long time…”

“But you’ve been fine! Maybe Uncle Ricard could heal you! You’ll be fine!” I sobbed softly as he talked like he was dying. I was not ready to lose him. I did not want to let him go.

“No… There is no cure for what plagues me. I’ve done my best to keep it hidden from you… I did not want to… hurt you more then you were already hurting. As I tried so hard to keep my feelings hidden for you as well…” He reached up to touch my cheek with his clean hand. This only made me cry harder. To know he did have feelings for me. To know he just tried to keep them hidden to avoid making this any harder then it already was.

“Why! Don’t give up! I… I can’t lose you… Please…” I did not care that I was surely crying loud enough for the others to hear.

“Shh.” His fingers brushed over my lips. “Everyone has to die someday. But death is not the end. It is merely another step in our paths… I will find you again someday. Even if we have to wait another lifetime… But you need to keep living. Live everyday to the fullest. For me.” I nodded as tears streaked down my soft cheeks. I did not want to let him go. Not now. Not as I found he felt the same way about me as I did of him. “I had wanted very much wanted to let you know that night in Limsa how I felt about you. But I did not wanted to burden your heart with more pain.”

“Leon…” I whispered his name softly an leaned in to kiss his lips softly. His kiss tasting of him an the metallic taste of his blood. One final kiss. A kiss good bye. I pulled back an looked into those pain filled green eyes. I wanted to do anything I could to ease this burden an pain.

“Keep finding a way to repair that part of you that is damaged. Return to that guy you love in Gridania. Marry him an be happy.” I held his hand against my cheek as he spoke to me. “Hell find distractions if you must. Just… Be happy… For me. Find a way to be happy.”

I nodded, unable to find my voice to speak again. He reached into his tunic an pulled out a green stone that was brighter then the green of his eyes. He pressed it into my hands gently. “One last gift. Take it. An my harp. I leave them to you. To remember me by.”

I left go of his hand as he pulled it away to motion for Ricard to join us again. My uncle joined us, taking his friend’s hand. I watched some of the pain ease in Leon’s face as my uncle used his healing aether to relieve it. I wished silently that there was more I could do. I gripped his bloody hand as my uncle held his over. Dove had finally joined us though she kept her distance so that the two of us could remain close.

“Rest easy, my friend.” Ricard said softly to Leon as I sat there in silence.

“Just promise… You won’t ship her away when I’m gone…” Leon said with a soft smile as he gazed towards me. “Keep helping her find her way in this crazy world…”

“I promise.” Ricard looked between the both of us. I think he knew that we had both shared feelings for one another. Feelings that had not been confirmed between the two of us until it was too late.

I watched as Leon closed those beautiful green eyes for the last night. His chest finally no longer rising with air. I cried harder as his life finally left him. I felt my uncle’s arms go around my shoulders as he pulled me close.

*~*

I stood on top of a high rock in the woods of the Shroud. We had brought Leon home for him to rest where he belonged. My arms were wrapped around myself against the chill of the day. It was sure to rain later. I had long since cried myself dry.

I had decided on the last leg of this journey back to the Shroud on what I was going to do with my life. I had told my uncle I wished to study in his arts. I wanted to be able to heal others and ease their pain. I wanted to help people like Leon. Make their lives easier even if their lives would eventually come to an end. I wanted to be there for people like I had been for Leon.

“Coming?” I heard my uncle call to me. I nodded to him as I climbed down from the rock to join him. Dove had left us after we had returned Leon home. It was now just Uncle Ricard and myself. We set out of the next length of our journey. Together. It was strange. In Leon’s death I felt closer now to my uncle then I had before. I smiled at him as I caught up to him.

The first real smile I had felt like giving since Leon’s passing. But I knew he did not want me to be sad forever. For this was not the last time we would see one another. I would always keep my eyes open for him. But… I would also find happiness. Even if I never see him again in this life I knew there would be a chance I could find him in the next. So I would be happy now. For his sake.

Journal Entry 20 - Destiney

I finally was able to work up the courage to speak with Aimee. Thankfully she does not dislike me as I had feared. She was merely being protective of those she cares about. I can not say I blame her. I would do the same.

We talked for a bit about the experiments. I think I am slowly beginning to understand a little better. An she agrees with Raiden that Leera is just an ass. However learning the things I did while talking to her was… Very interesting in the very least. I’m hoping that in a way this information will keep me from making the same mistakes or making ones that are… fatally dangerous. If I am going to continue to have interactions with the ones I already know there is a possibility of meeting others if they should happen to come looking for Oni as Leera has. I need to keep this in mind. It does not mean I should not interact with them… Just that I should tread carefully.

I decided I need to reexamine the way I look at things. Decide on a better way to deal with what happened then to try an damn an entire people for the actions of a few. But it will not be something easy to do. Eight years is a long time to hold onto the pain an hate. But I have to try.

Eventually our talk ended as Dusk and Raiden arrived at the house. We ended up taking Dusk into the storage room to examine the coffin we had found the other day. We helped her with setting up a better wards in place against whatever might be inside of it until we can further investigate it. I… had to go into Dusk’s room to fetch items for her. I had hoped not to have to set foot in there… However she said I was perfectly safe as long as I did not touch anything besides what she sent me to get. Yes because that totally makes me feel so much safer… But we setup the wards an then left things at that for the time being.

We had a mission last night out in Central Thanalan. We stopped by the Coffer to get the details before setting to work. I… found something pulling for my attention while we were there. A deck of cards long forgotten in the darkest corner of the room. I am unsure if they were really calling out to me or if I just lucked upon them. This week has been stressful. It could have been my brain playing tricks on me.

I hurried to catch up with the others. We went down towards some old Sil’dih ruins which Spriggans have turned into their territory. We were pelted with rocks upon arrival. I panicked an threw up an aether shield as I ran for the cover of a rock.

Rhisi pulled Sarabi, Felix, and I aside to check out the other side of the area. The Spriggans near the small waterfall were doing something odd. We were not quite sure what it was they were trying to do with the water but they were ignoring us. Well expect Felix when he got too close but he was wearing heavy armor so it did not really phase him to be hit with rocks. We decided to try an get closer to the ruins an see if maybe something there might better explain what was going on.

However our examination of the ruins was cut short. The reaper magitek that had attacked the Order members the last time they were out here on a mission while I was away, was attacking again. We hurried to rejoin the others an hoped no one was hurt before we could aid them. Felix tried to get up the cliff to flank him but the reaper vanished before he could attack. Thankfully no one was hurt but we were ordered back to the house.

Rhisi asked Sarabi and I to do some research into the Sil’dih an those ruins. Looks like I have some work ahead of me. She wants us to have that information for her before the next mission. Should not be much of a problem. I surely can find out what I need as well as do my own personal research on the cards I found.

I spent a little bit of time speaking with Chloe upstairs at the bar. An we got to talking. She had asked about how I was doing. I told her. I told her about the other night with Raiden and Aimee though I had not gone into many details. Mostly how I had upset Raiden and gotten scolded by Aimee. How the next day I talked with Aimee an she reminded me just because someone is born a certain way does not make them a bad person. Birth has nothing to do with it. But letting go of a grudge held for so long is no easy task. An Chloe told me she is Garlean as well an if I wanted to know anything about her home all I have to do is ask. I should take her up on the offer. Get to understand the situation better,

I went to the Athenaeum Astrologicum this morning. I figured it was as good a place as any to start my research into these cards I had found. They did not tell me much but they did allow me to take a set of Ishgardian Astrology cards. At least it would give me something to compare them to anyways. An a start in the right direction if I go by the attitude the one student there gave me when I showed him the cards.

Once I was done running about I returned to the house with the books an research items I had gathered on both these cards and the Sil’dih. I decided to go out for a bit after some time working on both of these to an extent. I needed to stretch my legs an get some fresh air. I do enjoy research but I also enjoy being outdoors from time to time.

Rhisi was outside near the pond feeding the fish in it when I returned to the house. She asked me what I had found last night. I offered to show her inside the house where I was sure I would not accidentally lose any of the cards in the water…

Felix happened to show up as we got upstairs for me to explain. I had left my notebook at the bar anyways. I put out both sets of cards on the counter to start my explanation to Rhisi. Of course Felix had to butt in while I was explaining. Teasing me for taking a deck of cards from the Coffer… I wanted to chuck something at his head. Eventually Dusk arrived as I was explaining. She seemed to know a little about the cards as well. Well not that I had found them. But that they are a type of scrying card. So I was indeed on the right track thinking of comparing them to a deck of astrology cards. Of course Felix made more jabs about the cards as we talked.

Rhisi an Dusk both seem to think I should give these cards a chance. So I may just see if anything comes from it. If not then no harm done of course. But maybe there is a reason I found them.

Guests started to arrive. We had two ladies join us as well as Konner. An eventually as I was talking, Chee arrived. I was glad to see her. It has been some time since I last spent any real time with Chee. An Felix just had to keep pushing… So I stood up an chucked my notebook at his head… Which all he did was catch it. I tried to hurry an get it back before he could see the doodles of himself and Leera that I had added before I had left for my week off.

I ended up chasing him downstairs trying to get my notebook back from him. He had stopped as Aimee arrived. He apparently had been looking for her for a check up. Something I have never gotten myself nor have I done any even though eventually it should be part of my job. He finally gave me my notebook back but he had already seen the doodles… An then Aimee tried to suggest that I should do his exam… I thought I would die from the shock that she suggest that I do this. But Felix tried to insist that she do it. An when Aimee tried to talk him into letting me do it… He was going to leave… I thought I might die this time but not from shock… I am pretty sure he did not want me to do it because I would have proof that he is a Garlean… An I might have told him when we were drinking before about my hate for Garleans… Before I had found out all the things I had this week.

I waved him off with Aimee. Insisting he go ahead that I was going to go for a walk anyways. I did not want to take a walk though. I wanted to cry. I knew that this was my fault. I knew… He did not want to be around me because of the things I had said… I sat out near the pond an cried in silence undisturbed. I want to apologize… I want to ask for him to forgive me… But… How if I am not supposed to mention anything to him about Aimee telling me he is a Garlean…

Eventually I worked up the drive to return to the house. I was not feeling much better then when I had run out of the house though. I returned upstairs to my seat beside Chee. Rhisi brought me over a cup of tea an I tried to pretend everything was fine. But I am pretty sure both Rhisi an Chee could tell I was hurting pretty bad. I almost ended up crying again just at that. I asked Rhisi how to deal with apologizing to someone when you can not even really explain why you are apologizing since you are not supposed to mention what you know. Rhisi an Chee tried to comfort me an give me words of advice for dealing with my problem. I refrained from telling them I was upset over Felix.

Eventually Chee decided we need a girls night out as soon as possible. This might be a good idea… But Chee had to leave before we could talk much more on it. Rhisi had to step out as well for a moment. I sat there in silence for a bit thinking about what I am to do. How to apologize to Felix for my words those weeks ago while we were drinking… Eventually I got up to put away my notebook an the cards. I passed Rhisi on my way down an told her I would be back. When I returned she was gone again. Probably went out with Konner.

I sat in silence by myself as Neiven stood nearby talking to the one guest who was still present. When that guest left, Neiven came over an ruffled my hair again. She asked how I was an I told her I was having a rough week. She actually seemed at least concerned when I did not respond to her butt comments as I usually do. I told her how I had hurt some of my friends without meaning to. An how I had not had a chance yet to apologize to one of those friends. Neiven tried to make me feel better. I appreciate her effort. I decided to excuse myself an take a real walk this time.

When I returned again the house was empty. I think most had already gone off for the night. I returned here to my room where I sank to the floor an spent another bit crying. Once I could cry no more I got up an wandered for a bit, even venturing out into the Shroud. I came back with a few scraps an nicks from venturing deep into the sylph lands to try an burn off some of my emotions. I needed to find a way to ease the burden on my heart. However I still do not feel much better. Just sore an tired. I did not bother to use any healing magic on them. I washed them at the very least. A part of me wants to hurt right now… More then emotionally. But… I am not going to break. I just… need to find a way through this. I just need time… I need to find a way to make everything right. I want to continue to have that easy joking friendship with Felix without the fear of those words putting distance between us.

For now I am going to burn some of the incense I have left over from earlier in the week an sleep. I am not risking any dreams tonight. I fear they would not be good in any way…

Not Broken (Backstory - Destiney)

(Part 3! I wrote this in a first person view cause I could not feel happy writing it any other way. I needed to express Dest’s feelings so much better with first person. So I hope this came out as well as intended.)

I do not know how long I drifted among the darkness. I had no sense of time nor could I tell if I was even still alive. Was this the way life ended? Drifting in endless darkness? I felt detached from everything.

Until the moment I was able to open my eyes once more. I stared at the ceiling above my head. So I was alive? I tried to move, to sit up. Pain flared through me an forced me to lie still. Yes I was most definitely still alive. How had I survived? Maybe I had not imagined someone calling out to me. Maybe I had not imagined those gentle warm hands an a face I thought I had known.

“Ah so the sleeping princess awakens to the world of the living once more.” A voice as warm an wonderful as honey. I could not move to see where the voice had come from though. The man the voice belonged to however saved me the trouble as he came to stand beside the bed where I was bound. My eyes widened upon taking in the sight of the speaker. I knew that face! It was the face of the Duskwight who had been at the table in the tavern at Wineport. Did that mean it was him an his friends who had rescued me? Or was he just the one in charge of letting someone know if I ever awoke again?

“Who are you?” My voice cracked an my throat felt dry. Just how long had I been asleep here? How long had it been since I nearly died? It could not have been long enough that I still had wounds. I could tell my body bore bandages beneath the borrowed clothes someone had dressed me in. I am sure my own clothes were beyond salvaging.

“I am Leonceault Chassebel. But everyone just calls me Leon the Handsome Bard. Or just Leon.” His grin was just a bit on the cocky side. The impression he was giving me was of someone that thought highly of himself. Though I had to admit he was not bad looking at all. But he was a Duskwight. I could tell from the pale golden tattoo on his face. I recognized it as one sometimes found on a Duskwight. Not that I hate Duskwights. I just erred on the side of caution with them. A trait I had picked up from growing up in Gridania where the prejudice against their people is still rather strong.

Of course his sun-kissed skin and flaxen hair only probably added to his charm. The only thing that marred his handsome face was a scar the the left side of his jaw. His pale green eyes danced with mirth as he looked down at me. How could someone look at a person who had just survived death as if it was amusing? The nerve of him!

“An just what is your name Sleeping Beauty? Unless you wish for me to call you that. Or I could come up with any number of names. Let’s see…” I watched as he crossed his arms an looked up in thought. He was actually going to think of names to call me…

“Destiney.” I croaked out before he could come up with anything worse then Sleeping Beauty or Princess. “Destiney Delvanguard.”

“Ah Destiney. Such a pretty name for such a beautiful face. Though we found you in such a sorry state. Ricard feared you would never waken.” I watched as he turned towards the nightstand beside the bed. I heard something being poured but I had closed my eyes again. I felt so tired. “Exhausted himself something fierce in keeping you from slipping away. I am unsure why. He would not explain well. Just asked me to keep tabs on you.”

“Where are we?” I asked him as he carefully an gently helped me to sit up in bed. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out at the pain even that little of movement caused. Hot tears stung my eyes but I forced them back, not wishing for Leon to see me cry. I thought I caught a flash of something in his face. Was it concern? Worry? I was not able to see it long enough to know. He held a glass up to my lips to help me drink. I guess he was worried I might not have the strength yet to hold it on my own. He was probably right. I was grateful for the drink of water. The coolness of it helped with the way I felt parched.

“Wineport. We were unable to take you any further with the extent of your injuries.” Now I could see the concern in his eyes. For the way he talked, so bold an flirtatious… He apparently also had a side that could be far kinder then I had first thought. But I am unsure how I felt about anything right now other then pain. “You nearly died there. So much blood… I won’t ask why unless you wish to speak about it. Your story is yours alone. I shall let Ricard know you are awake.”

I almost wanted to ask him to stay. There was something about the him… Something about the way his expression was the moment he had said he would not ask for more then I was willing to tell. Gone was that easy demeanor he had started with when I had awoken. It was like he too bore a heavy weight. One that he would only shared if he wished to. Though his was not the face I had seen as I had drifted in an out of the grasp of death. I was certain I would have remembered if it had been him. Remember that smile that was a mask over something deeper.

*~*

I am unsure how long it was since Leon left my room. I must have managed to drift back off to sleep again. A warm hand on my face brought me back to the waking world again. It was that face again. The one I had seen as I was dying. “Father?” No this was not the same man I had known as a child. I shook off the last vestiges of sleep as took a really good look at this man sitting on the edge of my bed. Seeing his face this close I could see the differences between him and my father. Yet at the same time I could also see the similarities as well.

The familiar tattoo on the left side of my father’s face was absent on this man as was the scar on the right cheek. He bore no scruff of a beard on his chin. His eyes were a chocolate brown where as my father’s had been more of an ocean blue. There was also a difference to the shape of their faces.

His hair was definitely black an cut in a similar style to that of my father’s though. Even had a thin bit of a mustache on his upper lip. The shape of their noses was very close to the same. As was the stern yet deeply caring expression in his eyes. I wanted to reach up an trace those similarities with my hands. Remember the way my father was before he was taken from us.

“No I am not your father. Though I do see a bit of your father in you. Reckless and stubborn to the very last. Those same defiant blue eyes. My name is Ricard Starkweather. Eddard, your father, was my brother. To think I would have found his daughter all these years later. An in such a sorry state.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice. Yet I was shocked to silence. I had no words to answers what he had stated. He was my uncle? My father’s brother?

Father had never mentioned any of his family. We had never met any of them. I had just figured they were all passed away. Then again my mother had not mentioned much of her family either prior to sending me away to Ishgard. It seems… my family has been good at hiding the past. I am sure they had a good reason.

“How is the pain? If it is troubling you too much I can muster up a bit more healing aether now that I have had a chance to recover a bit. Destiney?” He looked at me in concern as I did not answer him right away. I felt so numb and yet… At the same time I wanted to throw my arms around him an cry if I had had the strength to do so.

“It hurts some.” I finally managed to say, my voice cracking with the effort not to give in to the grief that threatened to swallow me whole. Maybe he would just pass it off as the pain causing it. I could not find the words to tell him seeing him hurt more then the wounds themselves. Reminded me of my father who was lost to us forever…

“I see.” That was all he said as he reached up to brush a stray lock of hair away from my face, his expression almost sad. Almost as if he knew it was more then physical pain that I was feeling. I could feel the soothing magic of his healing aether as his hand moved away from my face towards the wounds my body had taken in the fight. “Get some rest. We will talk more another time.”

I could only nod woodenly as his soothing touch disappeared an he got up to leave the room. It was not until he had left that I finally allowed the tears to come. I finally succumbed to the emotional pain clawing at my heart, crying myself into an exhausted dreamless sleep.

*~*

The next few days blurred together. Brief moments of company from either Leon or Ricard who brought with them food and water. I was healing just fine physically. Emotionally I felt so broken. Though a different broken then I had felt the day I had been told of my father’s death. I am not sure if I can come back from this. I am not sure if I even want to. I think they could tell even though I tried so hard to keep myself from letting it show while they were present.

“That is it! Up!” Leon roared as he stormed into my room. I scowled at him from where I sat upon the bed. I had been looking towards the window but not really seeing anything. I was lost in my own thoughts an did not want any sort of company. Let alone his company.

“Go away. I’m tired.” I mumbled as he made his way to the side of my bed. However he chose to ignore my words. His hand was on my arm, fingers callused from using both a bow and harp. There would be no refusal from the way his hand held me tight. Not enough to hurt though. I think he was trying to hold back but the displeasure was plain on his face.

“Gods damn you. You are not sitting here a moment longer. It has been over a week an your wounds are healed just fine. I am not remaining stuck here in Wineport a moment longer while you feel sorry for yourself. This ends now.” he growled as he reached for me. I felt his arms tugging me from the bed but I was still not at full strength because I had done nothing but lay in bed for over a week recovering. I squealed as he literally put me over his shoulder as if I was a sack of food. I beat my hands against his back to little results as he carried me from the room. “Good be angry!”

“Bastard!” I cursed at him as he walked down the hall. I was still in the clothes I had been sleeping in. I was not dressed for going anywhere. I soon found him dumping me rather unceremoniously into a tub of warm water. I sputtered an spit water as I gained my bearings. I scowled at him before I noticed the Roegadyn woman I had seen then with before. Her eyebrows were raised in a mix of curiosity an amusement as she watched the scene before her. I could see the laughter in her lavender eyes. An I cursed the both of them.

“Dove make sure she gets cleaned up an dressed. We’re moving on today. I do not care how much she protests.” Leon said with a rather highly annoyed look on his face as he looked towards me in the water. I growled at him. This only made him grin instead of scowl. “Keep growling like that an I will show you where it will get you.” I blinked in confusion at his words an he just chuckled. Insufferable! That is what he is.

“Better do as he says. Leon… Well Leon is Leon.” The lady he had called Dove said softly with a warm smile. I got a better look at her as Leon finally left the room. The faint red line of a tattoo beneath her right eye. The chin length black hair streaked with a nice shade of scarlet. One scar along the left side of her jaw with another near her eyebrow of her right eye. Whatever she normally wore to fight in, it was not these light weight clothes. Not if I judged her fighting power from the muscles that lined her arms. “I shall wait just outside. Let me know if you need anything. There is a change of clothes upon the chair in the corner.”

I huffed in annoyance as she left the room before slapping my hands against the bath water. Which was a mistake since all I did was drench myself more. I surrendered and gave in to the bath. What choice did I have? Between Leon and Dove I was stuck. Not that the warmth of the water did not feel lovely. It felt absolutely wonderful against the aches of my body. I really had been abed for far too long. I pulled off the soggy clothes that were clinging to my skin, discarding them outside of the tub in a pile on the floor.

I finally emerged from the bathing room a while later. It had taken longer then I thought to clean myself. Feeling the pull of freshly healed muscles that had not seen activity since they had been injured. Somehow one of them had gotten me clothes in my size without asking me. Had they done measurements while I slept? I shuddered at the thought. No they probably had gone based off the size of my ruined clothes. I smoothed down the soft cotton of the blue tunic over the black tights as I looked towards where Dove was leaning against the hall wall.

“Happy?” I asked in a bored tone. I did not want to admit I felt just a bit better after a nice warm bath. I did not want to feel better even though I did.

“Oh I am not who you have to worry about. I am glad to see the clothes fit.” Dove chuckled soft as she motioned for me to follow her. “Though I think it is good you are finally out of bed.”

“Ah so the stubborn princess finally emerges.” I heard his voice before I could see him upon exiting the hallway. Prick. If I had had my bow… I felt like crumpling at the idea suddenly. The sudden reminder of what I had done or tried to do… But there was a warm hand against my shoulder. I looked up into Leon’s grinning mug. But there was something other then mirth in those eyes. A concern. Had he seen that momentary flicker of pain I was sure to have shown? I could not even find it in myself to squeal as he was suddenly scooping me up into his arms an carrying me. I wanted to protest but the fight had gone out of me so suddenly. I think he might have realized it.

Dove held the door as he carried me outside into the bright sun of the afternoon. He deposited me onto a bench in the warmth of the light before sitting down beside me. I just wanted to curl up an wish the world away. Instead I found myself asking one question “What happened to my mask an bow?”

“Your bow will be alright. Ricard is fetching it from the mender. Your mask… It was beyond saving. I’m sorry.” Leon spoke softly as if knowing the words I wanted to hear were not the ones he spoke. I think he knew when I asked that the mask was important. My voice had been hesitant in asking that question. “You are not going to run off doing anything foolish again are you?”

I shook my head as I sat there in silence, closing my eyes against the brightness of the day. I did not want to look up at the blue sky dotted with its fluffy white clouds. I felt his hand on my chin, lifting my face to look at him as he knelt with one knee on the ground before me. His green eyes met my blues. I felt like I could get lost in those eyes. Drown in them. The warmth of his hand against my face as he made me look at him, not allowing me to look away.

“Enough. You’ll drown if you keep doing this to yourself.” His voice was soft yet gentle. “I am not saying to forget what you have done. You need to find a way to move past it.”

I could not help but be reminded of that day with Dekkarra in Ishgard. Leon’s gaze was not as loving as his but there was still a similar warmth in those eyes. A similar concern for my well being. Neither of them wavering in their determination to help me find my inner strength. As if he too knew there was a fighter beneath all that pain an sorrow.

“How…” It was the only word that would come to my lips.

“Well…” I think he was at a loss of words for a moment. “You could do like I do. Find a nice distraction. Something fun. Just because you hurt now does not mean you have to keep hurting forever. You can not live if you just let yourself keep drowning in the past. I could offer you distractions. But… I do not think Ricard would be happy if I did.” A warm chuckle from him. This time laughter did dance in his eyes. I had no idea what exactly he meant by distractions. Or what he had hinted at with his words. I had such limited life experiences to even begin guessing at his meanings. Surely he could not be suggesting some of the things that happened in the stories I’ve read.

“I like to read…” I said to him softly as his hand finally left go of my chin. This earned me a hearty laugh from him. I had not even paid attention to where Dove had wandered off to after we had left the building.

“Well I was thinking more of social interactions but it is a good start.”

“Leon… I hope you are not tormenting her.” It was my uncle’s voice, stern as he looked at Leon with a withering look. My uncle looked towards me, my bow was in his hands.

I felt like I could not breath as I looked at that bow. All I could think of was that killing field. The blood staining my hands. The laughing sneers of those Imperials as they nearly claimed my life. I wrapped my arms around myself, my breath unsteady as I shut my eyes tight as if that would make the images go away. But they remained even with my eyes closed.

Warm hands gently took my hands off my arms where they had been in a almost bruising grip. I had not cared about the pain. I knew I was trembling as I looked towards the lovely tanned skin of Leon’s hands. I could see both him and my uncle standing close to me with worried looks on their faces. Damn it. Now they both knew how I felt. Both knew just why I had been refusing to leave that damn bed.

“Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Maybe I should just return her to Gridania to her mother. It might be best she is somewhere… Peaceful.” It was my uncle who made this suggestion. A part of me agreed with him. While the other part of me recoiled at the idea of being there. Being reminded of my father. Reminded of the Gods’ Quiver. The crushing feeling of failing. Of never being able to touch that bow again… That small voice that I had buried deep down beneath the pain shouted against the ideas. Wanted me to be stronger then I felt.

“No.” His answers was swift and cold as ice. I finally looked at Leon as he stared at my uncle. That chill in his expression said he would take no argument. “You would not be helping her any by doing such a thing. She needs to fight back. Do you really want to break your own niece?”

“How is fighting not breaking her? Did you not see how she reacted just looking at her father’s bow? She needs a way to mend herself. Are you mad, Leon?” Apparently Ricard decided he would argue back anyways.

“I am RIGHT HERE!” I shouted as I removed my hands from Leon’s an stood up. I stormed over to Ricard as he still held my bow. I bit my lower lip as I raised a shaking hand to take that damned bow. Again that inner voice raged against the pain. Raged for me to take that bow again. Whispered to me to make my father proud. My hand hovered over that bow but I could not find it in me to take it. I had killed people…

I nearly stepped back an surrendered again. But there was a warm hand against my back. I looked up in surprise to see Leon behind me. His face was set in determination as he looked towards my uncle. Then his other hand found mine that was hovering over that bow. He did not push not pull my hand. Just let his rest over mine. As if to comfort me. To let me know whatever I chose I was not making this choice alone.

“You are not a broken doll. Make your choice, princess. Will you fight to live? Or will you go to drown?” Leon said as he looked down at me. I could not tell what that expression was in his eyes. Those green eyes seemed to swim with more then one emotion. Again I felt like there was so much he was trying to say with just looking at me. Like he fought against some inner pain of his own an understood at least a fraction of what I was suffering. “You can let the pain devour you from the inside or you can find a way to fight an make the most of every day the gods have given you. Make your choice.”

I took a deep breath as I let his words sink in. I could choose. I could choose to live with that pain an keep pushing forward. Or I could choose to let that sorrow an pity for my own self drown me. Dekkarra’s words in Ishgard also rang in my head. I was a fighter. I could let this temper me into something stronger. Would it be easy? Of course not. I would have to find a way to deal with my inner demons. To find a way to cope with the things I had done an chosen.

I looked into his eyes as I released that breath. An wrapped my hand around that bow that once belonged to my father. I was my father’s daughter. I would not go back to Gridania to drown. I would not go down without a fight. I would fight. For the sake of those that had faith in me.

I am pretty sure Leon smiled at me. My uncle merely nodded as he allowed me to take that bow back once more.

“I am not a princess.” I said calmly to Leon as I managed a slight smile at him. His laughter rang through the air as he finally took his hand off of mine.

“No you are most definitely no damsel. Ricard my friend, your niece is definitely quite entertaining.”

Now it was my turn to laugh. It… felt good. Almost normal. How long had it been since I had been able to feel like this? Maybe it was a good start to finding my way again. If the Twelve had indeed given me this second chance then I could not throw it in their faces an become like a ghost again, barely living.

I would always bear those memories an maybe even the pain of what I had done. Maybe they never would lessen but I would never know unless I tried. I could be like one of those people in the stories I used to read. The scars on my soul remaining yet finding a purpose in life once more. Yes… I think I could at least make the attempt.

Journal Entry 19 - Destiney

The other day went fine. Not a lot happened. Not very many people were around the house even.

Rhisi and Konner pulled me aside though to ask for my help with the accounting. Apparently the two of them are not the best with numbers. I may not be the best either but I will admit my work is thorough an at least better then theirs was. They tried their best though I can see that from the work they have done. As well as the fact that the Order has been running long before I came along an got asked to look at their work. So it was not really that horrible of a job. It was not a total mess. A few small mistakes here an there but nothing that was difficult to fix.

However upon taking inventory in the storage room… I found something peculiar. However there was nothing to do about it until I could find Rhisi an Konner again to mention it. So I put the thought aside yesterday morning as I did the counting. I just simply refused to touch the coffin I found.

Last night Rhisi called us together for a mission out in Southern Thanalan for the U Tribe. Our mission turned out to be a bust. We could not find what they asked us to hunt down. Something does not seem right about this. Rhisi is certain something seems wrong as well. An well… Raiden busted one of his arms while out there too so we called it a night an returned to the house.

I stood in thought mostly as the others talked. I did glance over once as Raiden replaced the busted arm with a temporary one until Chloe could repair his good one. Rhisi talked to Konner about how our mission did not go as planned. Rhisi eventually mentioned my name an the fact that I had finished the accounting work for Konner. That brought me back to the situation at hand,

I told them about the Coffin in the storage room…

Konner sent Raiden in to check into it. Aimee and I followed him. Since I had been the one to find it I figured it was best to point it out as well as make sure nothing bad happened since it was Raiden going to look. This could have gone badly. I think.

He was literally about to climb on top of the coffin when I might have made mention of finding the coffin creepier then watching Leera eat. That seemed to halt him in his tracks. I think he knew the Leera I meant. I said something about Leera. The gaze he gave me right as Rhisi walked into the room… I was not sure I wanted to know what sort of anger my words had invoked in Raiden.

As a group we decided that the coffin was better left untouched for now. An there was discussion of letting Dusk use it as part of an experiment dealing with demons an voidsent. So we locked the room up an agreed it would be better off letting the coffin remain shut for the time being until we had a more controlled way of possibly dealing with anything that might be inside of it. Hopefully there is nothing inside of it. It is still creepy none the less.

Rhisi had headed off before the rest of us. I managed to catch Raiden back in the main room of the house. I needed to ask him about Leera. I needed to know…

An I managed to set Raiden off. He was not very happy with my choice of words. Sometimes I really need to learn restraint on my words of choice. Or at least think more carefully on my choice of wording. I had not intended to make Raiden angry like I had. I let my own private pain color my words. Which had been about the worst choice I could have made.

I like Raiden, Oni, and Frost. I have absolutely nothing against them or the fact that they are different then everyone else. I know it was not their choice what happened to them. Probably none of the experiments had a choice. It is not them I have the problem with. It is the people who forced this upon them. The people who gave me a reason to… Dislike all Garleans. Aimee scolded me for using the word hate.

Aimee went to bed an left me alone with Raiden. I wanted to cry but I refused to. I had shed enough tears over my choices in the past. Maybe Rhisi is right an I need to find a way to forgive myself. Easier said then done though… I could not bear to look at Raiden… I did not like the anger he had looked at me with when I had said the things I did. I was… afraid I had ruined everything. Afraid I might have messed things up again… I wanted to hate myself. I still want to hate myself for never seeming to do anything right when it comes to Aimee. I…had really wanted to be her friend when we had first met. She probably dislikes me by now. Should I even bother trying at this point?

However his anger seemed to fade away. Our conversation turned back to the others an Leera. He thinks Leera is an ass an was just being truthful, not thinking the words might hurt me. There is so much I do not understand about them. So much I want to know. Disposal Units. Eating to survive. I should probably make notes on things. I want to understand. I need to understand. I certainly do not want to become a meal for any of them should I do or say something wrong. But not becoming a meal is not the reason I want to understand either. Part of it is curiosity that drives this need because the scholar in me wants to learn an the other is my concern for them. As if they need my worry… I want to understand so I do not risk anything, most definitely not a friendship. I guess in a way I want to walk into this nightmare of a world they live in an try to understand things better. It did not help me any on deciding if I should keep my distance from Leera or not… If I should bother to even talk to him. Damn it all.

Raiden ugh… He thinks Leera looks at me like a toy to discard when he is done being amused. Great. But… Raiden says if anyone was to eat me… Twelve save me… It would be him or Oni. Oh damn it all the thoughts that went through my head at those words. I really hate the way I think sometimes. Good thing he likes me better as a friend then a meal. So I guess that means I am safe as long as I remain his friend. Let’s see if I can not manage to screw this up. An then he just had to mention biting… I think I could not have been a brighter shade of red… Well I had asked about it… Since Leera had shown me his teeth… Ugh! I walked myself right into that one… Sometimes I think Raiden much enjoys watching my reactions… I am so glad he chose then to head off to bed.

At least I did not have the usual nightmare last night. A strange dream but definitely not a nightmare. Damn it all Raiden I blame you! Ugh! I better get some work done since the day is wearing on.

Journal Entry 18 - Destiney

Dekkarra and I are finally back from our week away. Our trip was pleasant an a nice time. Though I am also glad to be back to work again as well. Though I admit the week away was much needed. I feel much more refreshed now.

I was just able to make it in time for the end of week beach gathering with The Order. It was a very pleasant evening at Bronze Lake. Nate showed up an we got to talking. I had basically forgotten everyone else was there as the two of us talked. There is just something about talking with Nate that is… calming. Though I will admit he is rather good looking but not the kind of distraction I tend to look for. I think with Nate this is friendship rather then distraction. I find him easy to talk to an be around. Hopefully he will come visit the house again sometime.

Today however… Has been quite the whirlwind…

I was in the south Shroud having been asked to check on the activities of the Redbelly in the area. No fighting needed. Just a simple trek through the woods an staying hidden from sight. Or at least so I thought.

I managed to stumble upon Leera. Eating… Or at least that is what he called what he was doing. He… took out Redbelly troops and water sprites as if it was mere child’s play. At first I was not sure who or what I was watching from my perch on top of that rock. Though in my surprise I ended up sliding down the rock… Into the water. Of course I had already been noticed by that time anyways. I was nervous I might end up as his next victim as I stood there dripping water. However he did not touch me. Not even once. After hearing him speak an seeing him up closer… I knew it was Leera. Though the mask still threw me off a bit. As did the way he was controlling the water.

At first our conversation was normal enough. I relaxed even though I now knew he was another of the experiments like Oni and Frost are. I could not condemn what he was now. Not unless I was willing to condemn Oni and Frost as well. They had never asked for what happened to them. I was not willing to completely throw away the friendship I thought I had with Leera. Not yet.

But as our conversation an my questions took us into more… Dangerous territory… I was beginning to hate where things were going. I should never have mentioned my incident near Castrum Occidens. Apparently it was the same location the experiments had happened as well. An as I got more heated with him… He turned my own words against me like weapons. As if rubbing salt in old wounds…

I know what I did was not right. I know those men probably had families or did not want to have to fight to live. I did not need Leera rubbing that fact in my face that I had killed innocent people in my darkest hours. I… was unsure if I hated him or myself more at that moment. All I knew was how much it hurt. I tried to turn that pain into a weapon against him. But… as I tried to leave…

Ugh! I am unsure if I should hate Leera or not. I am unsure what to feel about him. It is not like talking to Frost or Oni. Neither of them feel so… Unnerving. I wanted to rake my fingers across his face an yet… I almost did not want to give up the friendship that had been building between us before now. I had to leave. Before I could change my mind about not trusting him. He still works for those Garlean bastards. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I am so conflicted! I want to hate him… Yet… I can not help but remember the way he treated me before tonight.

I returned to the house once I forced myself to leave. However I had missed most of dinner. It was only Konner and Rhisi at the house as I arrived. There was still some food left though I was not quite hungry anymore. Not after my argument with Leera. I got some food anyways an made an effort to eat. If only to try an distract myself. I told Rhisi she was right about Leera. That she had a right to be cautious about him.

The first thing she had asked though was if he had hurt me. Of course he had never touched me physically. I was perfectly fine an whole. At least as far as physical wounds went. What was wrong with me was more… emotional. So I ended up finally admitting the things that plague my heart tonight.

I admitted the fight with Leera even if it had only been words. The way he had turned my words against me like a knife. As well as I admitted what those words were. That I had gone to Occidens three years ago seeking vengeance an my own death. An the nightmares that still at times plague me because of my stupid choices that day. The sneering faces… The blood on my hands…

Eventually Chloe was passing through an stopped to join us. Both Rhisi and Chloe tried to comfort me as I spoke about what happened. Rhisi believes I should be mad at Leera an not myself. An I probably should be after watching the way he ‘eats’. How could he talk to me like that after what I had watched him do. He would probably find some way to make it sound all justified of course.

Eventually as our conversation wore on I got to tell them both about my Uncle and Leon. Especially Leon.

Insufferable bastard! Still… I can not help but smile at the memory of Leon. As much as he drove me crazy… I still liked the stupid fool. Every damn inch of his swaggering annoying attitude. Somedays I wish his time had not come so soon. That he was still here to keep pushing me forward. But now I have others to help keep pushing me forward. Not that it means I do not miss Leon. I do. I do every damn day. But… I know he would not be pleased with me if I gave up now. Nor would my father. I am sure both of them still watch over me.

Rhisi gave me some incense to burn to help keep the nightmares at bay while I get some rest. I am sure the nightmares would have haunted me tonight if not for her aid. I felt better after sitting there talking with Chloe and Rhisi. I know it is only a start but at least it helps. For now I am going to go have a dreamless sleep. An try not to ruin all the hard work Dekkarra did by taking me a way for a week to relax.