Not Broken (Backstory - Destiney)

(Part 3! I wrote this in a first person view cause I could not feel happy writing it any other way. I needed to express Dest’s feelings so much better with first person. So I hope this came out as well as intended.)

I do not know how long I drifted among the darkness. I had no sense of time nor could I tell if I was even still alive. Was this the way life ended? Drifting in endless darkness? I felt detached from everything.

Until the moment I was able to open my eyes once more. I stared at the ceiling above my head. So I was alive? I tried to move, to sit up. Pain flared through me an forced me to lie still. Yes I was most definitely still alive. How had I survived? Maybe I had not imagined someone calling out to me. Maybe I had not imagined those gentle warm hands an a face I thought I had known.

“Ah so the sleeping princess awakens to the world of the living once more.” A voice as warm an wonderful as honey. I could not move to see where the voice had come from though. The man the voice belonged to however saved me the trouble as he came to stand beside the bed where I was bound. My eyes widened upon taking in the sight of the speaker. I knew that face! It was the face of the Duskwight who had been at the table in the tavern at Wineport. Did that mean it was him an his friends who had rescued me? Or was he just the one in charge of letting someone know if I ever awoke again?

“Who are you?” My voice cracked an my throat felt dry. Just how long had I been asleep here? How long had it been since I nearly died? It could not have been long enough that I still had wounds. I could tell my body bore bandages beneath the borrowed clothes someone had dressed me in. I am sure my own clothes were beyond salvaging.

“I am Leonceault Chassebel. But everyone just calls me Leon the Handsome Bard. Or just Leon.” His grin was just a bit on the cocky side. The impression he was giving me was of someone that thought highly of himself. Though I had to admit he was not bad looking at all. But he was a Duskwight. I could tell from the pale golden tattoo on his face. I recognized it as one sometimes found on a Duskwight. Not that I hate Duskwights. I just erred on the side of caution with them. A trait I had picked up from growing up in Gridania where the prejudice against their people is still rather strong.

Of course his sun-kissed skin and flaxen hair only probably added to his charm. The only thing that marred his handsome face was a scar the the left side of his jaw. His pale green eyes danced with mirth as he looked down at me. How could someone look at a person who had just survived death as if it was amusing? The nerve of him!

“An just what is your name Sleeping Beauty? Unless you wish for me to call you that. Or I could come up with any number of names. Let’s see…” I watched as he crossed his arms an looked up in thought. He was actually going to think of names to call me…

“Destiney.” I croaked out before he could come up with anything worse then Sleeping Beauty or Princess. “Destiney Delvanguard.”

“Ah Destiney. Such a pretty name for such a beautiful face. Though we found you in such a sorry state. Ricard feared you would never waken.” I watched as he turned towards the nightstand beside the bed. I heard something being poured but I had closed my eyes again. I felt so tired. “Exhausted himself something fierce in keeping you from slipping away. I am unsure why. He would not explain well. Just asked me to keep tabs on you.”

“Where are we?” I asked him as he carefully an gently helped me to sit up in bed. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out at the pain even that little of movement caused. Hot tears stung my eyes but I forced them back, not wishing for Leon to see me cry. I thought I caught a flash of something in his face. Was it concern? Worry? I was not able to see it long enough to know. He held a glass up to my lips to help me drink. I guess he was worried I might not have the strength yet to hold it on my own. He was probably right. I was grateful for the drink of water. The coolness of it helped with the way I felt parched.

“Wineport. We were unable to take you any further with the extent of your injuries.” Now I could see the concern in his eyes. For the way he talked, so bold an flirtatious… He apparently also had a side that could be far kinder then I had first thought. But I am unsure how I felt about anything right now other then pain. “You nearly died there. So much blood… I won’t ask why unless you wish to speak about it. Your story is yours alone. I shall let Ricard know you are awake.”

I almost wanted to ask him to stay. There was something about the him… Something about the way his expression was the moment he had said he would not ask for more then I was willing to tell. Gone was that easy demeanor he had started with when I had awoken. It was like he too bore a heavy weight. One that he would only shared if he wished to. Though his was not the face I had seen as I had drifted in an out of the grasp of death. I was certain I would have remembered if it had been him. Remember that smile that was a mask over something deeper.

*~*

I am unsure how long it was since Leon left my room. I must have managed to drift back off to sleep again. A warm hand on my face brought me back to the waking world again. It was that face again. The one I had seen as I was dying. “Father?” No this was not the same man I had known as a child. I shook off the last vestiges of sleep as took a really good look at this man sitting on the edge of my bed. Seeing his face this close I could see the differences between him and my father. Yet at the same time I could also see the similarities as well.

The familiar tattoo on the left side of my father’s face was absent on this man as was the scar on the right cheek. He bore no scruff of a beard on his chin. His eyes were a chocolate brown where as my father’s had been more of an ocean blue. There was also a difference to the shape of their faces.

His hair was definitely black an cut in a similar style to that of my father’s though. Even had a thin bit of a mustache on his upper lip. The shape of their noses was very close to the same. As was the stern yet deeply caring expression in his eyes. I wanted to reach up an trace those similarities with my hands. Remember the way my father was before he was taken from us.

“No I am not your father. Though I do see a bit of your father in you. Reckless and stubborn to the very last. Those same defiant blue eyes. My name is Ricard Starkweather. Eddard, your father, was my brother. To think I would have found his daughter all these years later. An in such a sorry state.” I could hear the disappointment in his voice. Yet I was shocked to silence. I had no words to answers what he had stated. He was my uncle? My father’s brother?

Father had never mentioned any of his family. We had never met any of them. I had just figured they were all passed away. Then again my mother had not mentioned much of her family either prior to sending me away to Ishgard. It seems… my family has been good at hiding the past. I am sure they had a good reason.

“How is the pain? If it is troubling you too much I can muster up a bit more healing aether now that I have had a chance to recover a bit. Destiney?” He looked at me in concern as I did not answer him right away. I felt so numb and yet… At the same time I wanted to throw my arms around him an cry if I had had the strength to do so.

“It hurts some.” I finally managed to say, my voice cracking with the effort not to give in to the grief that threatened to swallow me whole. Maybe he would just pass it off as the pain causing it. I could not find the words to tell him seeing him hurt more then the wounds themselves. Reminded me of my father who was lost to us forever…

“I see.” That was all he said as he reached up to brush a stray lock of hair away from my face, his expression almost sad. Almost as if he knew it was more then physical pain that I was feeling. I could feel the soothing magic of his healing aether as his hand moved away from my face towards the wounds my body had taken in the fight. “Get some rest. We will talk more another time.”

I could only nod woodenly as his soothing touch disappeared an he got up to leave the room. It was not until he had left that I finally allowed the tears to come. I finally succumbed to the emotional pain clawing at my heart, crying myself into an exhausted dreamless sleep.

*~*

The next few days blurred together. Brief moments of company from either Leon or Ricard who brought with them food and water. I was healing just fine physically. Emotionally I felt so broken. Though a different broken then I had felt the day I had been told of my father’s death. I am not sure if I can come back from this. I am not sure if I even want to. I think they could tell even though I tried so hard to keep myself from letting it show while they were present.

“That is it! Up!” Leon roared as he stormed into my room. I scowled at him from where I sat upon the bed. I had been looking towards the window but not really seeing anything. I was lost in my own thoughts an did not want any sort of company. Let alone his company.

“Go away. I’m tired.” I mumbled as he made his way to the side of my bed. However he chose to ignore my words. His hand was on my arm, fingers callused from using both a bow and harp. There would be no refusal from the way his hand held me tight. Not enough to hurt though. I think he was trying to hold back but the displeasure was plain on his face.

“Gods damn you. You are not sitting here a moment longer. It has been over a week an your wounds are healed just fine. I am not remaining stuck here in Wineport a moment longer while you feel sorry for yourself. This ends now.” he growled as he reached for me. I felt his arms tugging me from the bed but I was still not at full strength because I had done nothing but lay in bed for over a week recovering. I squealed as he literally put me over his shoulder as if I was a sack of food. I beat my hands against his back to little results as he carried me from the room. “Good be angry!”

“Bastard!” I cursed at him as he walked down the hall. I was still in the clothes I had been sleeping in. I was not dressed for going anywhere. I soon found him dumping me rather unceremoniously into a tub of warm water. I sputtered an spit water as I gained my bearings. I scowled at him before I noticed the Roegadyn woman I had seen then with before. Her eyebrows were raised in a mix of curiosity an amusement as she watched the scene before her. I could see the laughter in her lavender eyes. An I cursed the both of them.

“Dove make sure she gets cleaned up an dressed. We’re moving on today. I do not care how much she protests.” Leon said with a rather highly annoyed look on his face as he looked towards me in the water. I growled at him. This only made him grin instead of scowl. “Keep growling like that an I will show you where it will get you.” I blinked in confusion at his words an he just chuckled. Insufferable! That is what he is.

“Better do as he says. Leon… Well Leon is Leon.” The lady he had called Dove said softly with a warm smile. I got a better look at her as Leon finally left the room. The faint red line of a tattoo beneath her right eye. The chin length black hair streaked with a nice shade of scarlet. One scar along the left side of her jaw with another near her eyebrow of her right eye. Whatever she normally wore to fight in, it was not these light weight clothes. Not if I judged her fighting power from the muscles that lined her arms. “I shall wait just outside. Let me know if you need anything. There is a change of clothes upon the chair in the corner.”

I huffed in annoyance as she left the room before slapping my hands against the bath water. Which was a mistake since all I did was drench myself more. I surrendered and gave in to the bath. What choice did I have? Between Leon and Dove I was stuck. Not that the warmth of the water did not feel lovely. It felt absolutely wonderful against the aches of my body. I really had been abed for far too long. I pulled off the soggy clothes that were clinging to my skin, discarding them outside of the tub in a pile on the floor.

I finally emerged from the bathing room a while later. It had taken longer then I thought to clean myself. Feeling the pull of freshly healed muscles that had not seen activity since they had been injured. Somehow one of them had gotten me clothes in my size without asking me. Had they done measurements while I slept? I shuddered at the thought. No they probably had gone based off the size of my ruined clothes. I smoothed down the soft cotton of the blue tunic over the black tights as I looked towards where Dove was leaning against the hall wall.

“Happy?” I asked in a bored tone. I did not want to admit I felt just a bit better after a nice warm bath. I did not want to feel better even though I did.

“Oh I am not who you have to worry about. I am glad to see the clothes fit.” Dove chuckled soft as she motioned for me to follow her. “Though I think it is good you are finally out of bed.”

“Ah so the stubborn princess finally emerges.” I heard his voice before I could see him upon exiting the hallway. Prick. If I had had my bow… I felt like crumpling at the idea suddenly. The sudden reminder of what I had done or tried to do… But there was a warm hand against my shoulder. I looked up into Leon’s grinning mug. But there was something other then mirth in those eyes. A concern. Had he seen that momentary flicker of pain I was sure to have shown? I could not even find it in myself to squeal as he was suddenly scooping me up into his arms an carrying me. I wanted to protest but the fight had gone out of me so suddenly. I think he might have realized it.

Dove held the door as he carried me outside into the bright sun of the afternoon. He deposited me onto a bench in the warmth of the light before sitting down beside me. I just wanted to curl up an wish the world away. Instead I found myself asking one question “What happened to my mask an bow?”

“Your bow will be alright. Ricard is fetching it from the mender. Your mask… It was beyond saving. I’m sorry.” Leon spoke softly as if knowing the words I wanted to hear were not the ones he spoke. I think he knew when I asked that the mask was important. My voice had been hesitant in asking that question. “You are not going to run off doing anything foolish again are you?”

I shook my head as I sat there in silence, closing my eyes against the brightness of the day. I did not want to look up at the blue sky dotted with its fluffy white clouds. I felt his hand on my chin, lifting my face to look at him as he knelt with one knee on the ground before me. His green eyes met my blues. I felt like I could get lost in those eyes. Drown in them. The warmth of his hand against my face as he made me look at him, not allowing me to look away.

“Enough. You’ll drown if you keep doing this to yourself.” His voice was soft yet gentle. “I am not saying to forget what you have done. You need to find a way to move past it.”

I could not help but be reminded of that day with Dekkarra in Ishgard. Leon’s gaze was not as loving as his but there was still a similar warmth in those eyes. A similar concern for my well being. Neither of them wavering in their determination to help me find my inner strength. As if he too knew there was a fighter beneath all that pain an sorrow.

“How…” It was the only word that would come to my lips.

“Well…” I think he was at a loss of words for a moment. “You could do like I do. Find a nice distraction. Something fun. Just because you hurt now does not mean you have to keep hurting forever. You can not live if you just let yourself keep drowning in the past. I could offer you distractions. But… I do not think Ricard would be happy if I did.” A warm chuckle from him. This time laughter did dance in his eyes. I had no idea what exactly he meant by distractions. Or what he had hinted at with his words. I had such limited life experiences to even begin guessing at his meanings. Surely he could not be suggesting some of the things that happened in the stories I’ve read.

“I like to read…” I said to him softly as his hand finally left go of my chin. This earned me a hearty laugh from him. I had not even paid attention to where Dove had wandered off to after we had left the building.

“Well I was thinking more of social interactions but it is a good start.”

“Leon… I hope you are not tormenting her.” It was my uncle’s voice, stern as he looked at Leon with a withering look. My uncle looked towards me, my bow was in his hands.

I felt like I could not breath as I looked at that bow. All I could think of was that killing field. The blood staining my hands. The laughing sneers of those Imperials as they nearly claimed my life. I wrapped my arms around myself, my breath unsteady as I shut my eyes tight as if that would make the images go away. But they remained even with my eyes closed.

Warm hands gently took my hands off my arms where they had been in a almost bruising grip. I had not cared about the pain. I knew I was trembling as I looked towards the lovely tanned skin of Leon’s hands. I could see both him and my uncle standing close to me with worried looks on their faces. Damn it. Now they both knew how I felt. Both knew just why I had been refusing to leave that damn bed.

“Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Maybe I should just return her to Gridania to her mother. It might be best she is somewhere… Peaceful.” It was my uncle who made this suggestion. A part of me agreed with him. While the other part of me recoiled at the idea of being there. Being reminded of my father. Reminded of the Gods’ Quiver. The crushing feeling of failing. Of never being able to touch that bow again… That small voice that I had buried deep down beneath the pain shouted against the ideas. Wanted me to be stronger then I felt.

“No.” His answers was swift and cold as ice. I finally looked at Leon as he stared at my uncle. That chill in his expression said he would take no argument. “You would not be helping her any by doing such a thing. She needs to fight back. Do you really want to break your own niece?”

“How is fighting not breaking her? Did you not see how she reacted just looking at her father’s bow? She needs a way to mend herself. Are you mad, Leon?” Apparently Ricard decided he would argue back anyways.

“I am RIGHT HERE!” I shouted as I removed my hands from Leon’s an stood up. I stormed over to Ricard as he still held my bow. I bit my lower lip as I raised a shaking hand to take that damned bow. Again that inner voice raged against the pain. Raged for me to take that bow again. Whispered to me to make my father proud. My hand hovered over that bow but I could not find it in me to take it. I had killed people…

I nearly stepped back an surrendered again. But there was a warm hand against my back. I looked up in surprise to see Leon behind me. His face was set in determination as he looked towards my uncle. Then his other hand found mine that was hovering over that bow. He did not push not pull my hand. Just let his rest over mine. As if to comfort me. To let me know whatever I chose I was not making this choice alone.

“You are not a broken doll. Make your choice, princess. Will you fight to live? Or will you go to drown?” Leon said as he looked down at me. I could not tell what that expression was in his eyes. Those green eyes seemed to swim with more then one emotion. Again I felt like there was so much he was trying to say with just looking at me. Like he fought against some inner pain of his own an understood at least a fraction of what I was suffering. “You can let the pain devour you from the inside or you can find a way to fight an make the most of every day the gods have given you. Make your choice.”

I took a deep breath as I let his words sink in. I could choose. I could choose to live with that pain an keep pushing forward. Or I could choose to let that sorrow an pity for my own self drown me. Dekkarra’s words in Ishgard also rang in my head. I was a fighter. I could let this temper me into something stronger. Would it be easy? Of course not. I would have to find a way to deal with my inner demons. To find a way to cope with the things I had done an chosen.

I looked into his eyes as I released that breath. An wrapped my hand around that bow that once belonged to my father. I was my father’s daughter. I would not go back to Gridania to drown. I would not go down without a fight. I would fight. For the sake of those that had faith in me.

I am pretty sure Leon smiled at me. My uncle merely nodded as he allowed me to take that bow back once more.

“I am not a princess.” I said calmly to Leon as I managed a slight smile at him. His laughter rang through the air as he finally took his hand off of mine.

“No you are most definitely no damsel. Ricard my friend, your niece is definitely quite entertaining.”

Now it was my turn to laugh. It… felt good. Almost normal. How long had it been since I had been able to feel like this? Maybe it was a good start to finding my way again. If the Twelve had indeed given me this second chance then I could not throw it in their faces an become like a ghost again, barely living.

I would always bear those memories an maybe even the pain of what I had done. Maybe they never would lessen but I would never know unless I tried. I could be like one of those people in the stories I used to read. The scars on my soul remaining yet finding a purpose in life once more. Yes… I think I could at least make the attempt.