I was just able to make it in time for the end of week beach gathering with The Order. It was a very pleasant evening at Bronze Lake. Nate showed up an we got to talking. I had basically forgotten everyone else was there as the two of us talked. There is just something about talking with Nate that is… calming. Though I will admit he is rather good looking but not the kind of distraction I tend to look for. I think with Nate this is friendship rather then distraction. I find him easy to talk to an be around. Hopefully he will come visit the house again sometime.
Today however… Has been quite the whirlwind…
I was in the south Shroud having been asked to check on the activities of the Redbelly in the area. No fighting needed. Just a simple trek through the woods an staying hidden from sight. Or at least so I thought.
I managed to stumble upon Leera. Eating… Or at least that is what he called what he was doing. He… took out Redbelly troops and water sprites as if it was mere child’s play. At first I was not sure who or what I was watching from my perch on top of that rock. Though in my surprise I ended up sliding down the rock… Into the water. Of course I had already been noticed by that time anyways. I was nervous I might end up as his next victim as I stood there dripping water. However he did not touch me. Not even once. After hearing him speak an seeing him up closer… I knew it was Leera. Though the mask still threw me off a bit. As did the way he was controlling the water.
At first our conversation was normal enough. I relaxed even though I now knew he was another of the experiments like Oni and Frost are. I could not condemn what he was now. Not unless I was willing to condemn Oni and Frost as well. They had never asked for what happened to them. I was not willing to completely throw away the friendship I thought I had with Leera. Not yet.
But as our conversation an my questions took us into more… Dangerous territory… I was beginning to hate where things were going. I should never have mentioned my incident near Castrum Occidens. Apparently it was the same location the experiments had happened as well. An as I got more heated with him… He turned my own words against me like weapons. As if rubbing salt in old wounds…
I know what I did was not right. I know those men probably had families or did not want to have to fight to live. I did not need Leera rubbing that fact in my face that I had killed innocent people in my darkest hours. I… was unsure if I hated him or myself more at that moment. All I knew was how much it hurt. I tried to turn that pain into a weapon against him. But… as I tried to leave…
Ugh! I am unsure if I should hate Leera or not. I am unsure what to feel about him. It is not like talking to Frost or Oni. Neither of them feel so… Unnerving. I wanted to rake my fingers across his face an yet… I almost did not want to give up the friendship that had been building between us before now. I had to leave. Before I could change my mind about not trusting him. He still works for those Garlean bastards. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I am so conflicted! I want to hate him… Yet… I can not help but remember the way he treated me before tonight.
I returned to the house once I forced myself to leave. However I had missed most of dinner. It was only Konner and Rhisi at the house as I arrived. There was still some food left though I was not quite hungry anymore. Not after my argument with Leera. I got some food anyways an made an effort to eat. If only to try an distract myself. I told Rhisi she was right about Leera. That she had a right to be cautious about him.
The first thing she had asked though was if he had hurt me. Of course he had never touched me physically. I was perfectly fine an whole. At least as far as physical wounds went. What was wrong with me was more… emotional. So I ended up finally admitting the things that plague my heart tonight.
I admitted the fight with Leera even if it had only been words. The way he had turned my words against me like a knife. As well as I admitted what those words were. That I had gone to Occidens three years ago seeking vengeance an my own death. An the nightmares that still at times plague me because of my stupid choices that day. The sneering faces… The blood on my hands…
Eventually Chloe was passing through an stopped to join us. Both Rhisi and Chloe tried to comfort me as I spoke about what happened. Rhisi believes I should be mad at Leera an not myself. An I probably should be after watching the way he ‘eats’. How could he talk to me like that after what I had watched him do. He would probably find some way to make it sound all justified of course.
Eventually as our conversation wore on I got to tell them both about my Uncle and Leon. Especially Leon.
Insufferable bastard! Still… I can not help but smile at the memory of Leon. As much as he drove me crazy… I still liked the stupid fool. Every damn inch of his swaggering annoying attitude. Somedays I wish his time had not come so soon. That he was still here to keep pushing me forward. But now I have others to help keep pushing me forward. Not that it means I do not miss Leon. I do. I do every damn day. But… I know he would not be pleased with me if I gave up now. Nor would my father. I am sure both of them still watch over me.
Rhisi gave me some incense to burn to help keep the nightmares at bay while I get some rest. I am sure the nightmares would have haunted me tonight if not for her aid. I felt better after sitting there talking with Chloe and Rhisi. I know it is only a start but at least it helps. For now I am going to go have a dreamless sleep. An try not to ruin all the hard work Dekkarra did by taking me a way for a week to relax.
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