Well I got to the house an guess who was already there? Leera. I was pleasantly surprised to find him there already. Even more surprised to learn he had actually come by to spend time with me. Though it ended up being short lived. He had disappeared upstairs as Aimee and Felix had arrived at the house. ((Actually he had to run afk. Oh well.)) Aimee did not remain long though. So I spent some time talking to Felix.
I told Felix how I had felt about the other night. Overhearing talk of Leera and myself from Rhisi, Oni, and Aimee. I told him I was unsure of how I should feel. An how I felt like there was something more then they were telling me. An that maybe I was just over reacting because of how restless I have been lately. He assured me there must be a good reason. That maybe I was just looking too deeply at the situation but he was sure everything would work itself out when I talked to Rhisi.
I left the house for a bit to get some work done. When I came back later that day I found Leera sitting outside talking with Aimee. A part of me was jealous. I will admit it. After all I envy the relationship Aimee shares with Oni. Dekkarra and I… I wish we could have something like that… Our lives just… Are so complicated. I cannot ask him to give up what he enjoys doing nor would he ask me do so either so that we could have more time with one another. I do not think I have a reason to be jealous of Aimee talking with Leera but I could not help myself at least a little bit.
Apparently Leera does not like Oni’s name. I had not really paid attention to the fact that it meant Demon in the Doman culture. I may take up some studies into the Doman culture here soon. One thing at a time.
Between Leera and my own bad choice of words… We upset Aimee and she left in a rather dark mood. I decided I would have to apologize later. Though Leera thinks I should not. He thinks I am entitled to feel the way I am just as she is as well. Which yes that is true but I still have to work with Aimee an would rather be on decent terms with her. Regardless of how intimidating she can be sometimes. We talked for a bit longer before he had to leave.
I finally managed to catch Rhisi alone at the house. I could finally ask her about a few nights ago. An I did. I was looking too deeply into the situation. My restlessness was making me jump at shadows. At least I hope that is all it is. I want to trust Rhisi because I like her. An she has never given me a reason to be mistrustful thus far. I will trust that for now it is just her wanting to be cautious. Maybe I will be able to see things more clearly again once I return from my trip.
Others arrived at the house. I tried to apologize to Aimee but I am not sure if she accepted it. It sounded more like she still does not like how I behaved earlier regardless of my apology. How am I ever supposed to talk to her? How does Rhisi expect me to deal with this? Eventually I began to doze in the chair by the fire. That was the last thing I had wished to do. Falling asleep in the house where others could see. Especially at this time of the year when the nightmares are at their worst. I woke up before they could find their way to my unconscious mind as I nearly slid out of the chair. I decided to excuse myself from whatever conversation was going on an headed upstairs for a glass of wine.
Only to fall off the stool as I managed to doze off again. I think the others downstairs thought I was drunk. Better to think I was drunk then the truth. How do you explain to someone that you are afraid to close your eyes? Even when it has been years since it had happened. I tried once more to stay awake an failed yet again. I awoke just as the nightmare began to take shape. In the process of being startled awake I got my feet tangled around the stool an landed with an even bigger thump then before. I might have banged my head off the floor in my frustration. So I headed back downstairs and excused myself to take a walk.
Before long I found myself back at the house again. I chose a spot on one of the benches near the water an just sat there staring off into space. I think I might have dozed off again at some point. I only vaguely recall Rhisi’s voice though I was too far gone to respond. It was when Tara joined me a little while after that I was more present. She took a seat beside me on the bench an we just sat there in silence. Until she began to hum.
Her humming was so very nice. It made me feel warm an safe. Almost like my mother’s presence but not quite. I managed to doze off again only to awake an nearly fall off the bench as I had fallen over to sleep upon it. I guess I was not so good at hiding what was wrong. She was able to figure out I was being bothered by night-terrors as she had called them. I guess for someone with as many siblings as she has, it was not a hard thing to guess. I am sure she has comforted probably at least one or more of her siblings from bad dreams. I only had a brother an I was always the big sister even though we are the same age. I was always the more responsible one.
Tara… She is the first person in the Order that I have actually told about the nightmares. Even though she has only been with us for such a short time. I told her how I still see those sneering faces of the Imperials… An the blood. Both mine an theirs… Ugh… Though… I must admit I felt somewhat better after talking to Tara. Between my father’s death at Imperial hands and my own near death… This time of year is always worst then most. The nightmares leave me alone most of the year otherwise. A vast improvement over the years since. I bid goodnight to Tara an took her advice to try some chamomile tea.
I think it was the first night I slept somewhat decent since the celebrations had begun. Was not the best night of sleep but it was definitely an improvement. Hopefully my time away with Dekkarra will be what I need. Just a week time with him who knows where. He still has not told me where we are going…
I was able to find time to attend one last beach gathering after I finished most of my packing for the trip. The gathering was already in swing by the time I arrived. Most were already off talking to others. An I was left standing there. Trying to decide who I should bother or if I should sit alone for a bit.
Konner though singled me out… There may have been mention of something along the lines of behavior. My mind is a little hazy on the topic. Something about my dalliances with men I want to say but I could be wrong. Maybe it was something about dragging men to my bed. Never done that one before. Well dragging a man to my bed. Besides Dekkarra knows what I do. I do not hide anything from him and I try my best to behave myself. Just because a former courtesan lives an works at my house does not mean I try to get into bed with every handsome man I meet. I have a bit more respect for Dekkarra then that.
Though I did not miss that exclamation of surprise from Kagato as I made mention of being a married woman. I guess Kagato has not been around any of the times I’ve mentioned being married. Then again I have not made a big deal out of it either. I’m married. It does not mean I am dead an can not flirt or look at other men. I love Dekkarra. He knows I love him an he loves me. We have an open relationship. In the end we are still the ones we want to go home to at night.
Well back onto topic. Konner had more reasons then my love life to talk to me about. He made mention of giving me more jobs to do for the Order besides being a healer. Something about being in charge of the accounting and research. I am decent at numbers an fairly good at managing my own funds so this should not be that much of a problem. Research though. Now that is something I am very good at. I told him to remind me when I got back from my trip in a week.
Eventually I was able to move over to where Tara stood. I wanted to thank her for the night before. As well as I wanted to ask if she would look after Nebula while I was gone on my trip. I did not wish to leave her alone at the stables at my house so it was a better choice to leave him at the Order’s house under Tara’s care.
Oni eventually came by to meet Tara since he had not met her yet since she had joined. I tried to resist temptation. But since I was feeling somewhat better then I had in days… I could not resist. I splashed Oni with water on purpose. Did not push him with time. Either way I will not be surprised if he finds a way to get even. I look forward to the challenge. Let us see what comes of it.
I did see Frost over talking with Aimee and Oni. I just did not want to interrupt their talk. Nor was I feeling enough like myself to bother him anyways. I will continue my attempts to try an be his friend eventually. First I need to recharge myself first. Once I am less restless. There will be other nights anyways. I know there will.
I did not get to talk with Rhisi before she left for the night though. I had wanted to let her know I was alright, Maybe I will write her a letter before I leave. I will think upon it. I bid Tara a good night. Well she literally pretty much shooed me away to finish my preparations for my trip. I do not plan to take my journal with me however. So I will write again when I return.
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