(This is a little different then the usual journal
entries. This one is a unsent letter from Dest to Rhisi. She wrote this
right before her trip but then decided not to send it in the end. It is
more for a bit of insight for the third part of the backstory.)
Rhisi,
I had wanted to speak with you after the other night. However you were gone before I had a chance at Forgotten Springs. I did not want to darken your night anyways so maybe it was for the best.
I vaguely recall hearing your voice the other night as I was sitting outside staring at the water but I was unable to respond. I was… lost in my own thoughts and just a bit asleep by the time you had stopped by to check upon me. I was… Not as okay as I tried to be.
I have been restless an near sleepless for most of a week by that night. Which was why I kept falling asleep in the house and I do apologize if I worried you. You had good reason to be worried. I wish I could have spoken with you to explain. Maybe if I have the courage I will be able to send this letter to you as I leave for my trip. I do hope to come back in a better condition then I have left. Return to being the person you are used to seeing.
Every year about this time my nightmares become worse. I never wish to darken anyone’s day by talking about my own private pain. It is something I have been dealing with for some years. I am not sure just how ready I am to admit it so openly an honestly. I hoped that writing the words might be easier then trying to find the courage to speak of them to you. I am sure you have enough to worry about then my night-terrors.
I know I have told you before that I lost my father at Certeanu Flatts. It is partly his loss that fuels these nightmares but only a small part. The true fuel of these night-terrors is of my own making. Five years after the calamity… I left Ishgard an went to Castrum Occidens. I fully intended not to walk away from this venture. I had been seeking my own death an the deaths of any Imperials I could murder while I still lived. I was in a very dark place in my heart at this time. I almost succeeded. Almost of course since I am still here living and breathing.
The celebrations for the fact that Eorzea was saved from the calamity only serves as a reminder of the things I have survived. In turn they make the nightmares haunt me more then any other time of the year. Over time things have gotten better but never fully gone away. It is part of the reason Dekkarra has made it a point to drag me away for a week to recover. He is a healer as well an I think he realizes how much I am still troubled by my own foolish choices. In his own way he is trying to help me through. He is an continues to be a light I can hold onto in the darkness.
I killed people that day. I murdered several Imperials before they nearly claimed my life. I had the blood of one of their men on my hands. I can still see it in my mind as I plunged that arrow into his chest with my own hands because I had lost my bow. I can still feel his blood slicking my hands. I can still picture my own blood as his allies sought for my life. It is their sneering faces. It is all that blood that still haunts my dreams. It is why I find myself unable to face foes that are not monsters or wildlife. Even now my hands still sometime shake when I reach for my bow. I killed men who might have had families. Had lives. An I had taken them away in my own bid for vengeance. I told you before I am past seeking revenge. It is still true even now. I realize my mistakes as I am now haunted by them.
However it was not Dekkarra that helped me through the darkest part of my life. It was a duskwight who was terminally ill, named Leonceault Chassebel. He was a bard who was traveling with my Uncle Ricard and a warrior lady named Moon Dove. It was the three of them who rescued me from my own suicide. It was Leon who gave me the strength to find my way out of the darkness an back to the light. Even though he was slowly dying each day he always carried a smile an upbeat attitude about life. Even to his death he kept smiling. He never let the darkness get a hold of him an drag him under like I had.
I guess in a way it is Leon who is responsible for my interest in dark skinned elezen men. I guess a part of me hopes to find someone just like Leon. Or at least someone close to. Leon always believed that death was not the end. It was merely another path we take until we can return to the land of living once more. Maybe it is that thought that keeps me hopeful.
Leon was a terrible flirt. Totally scandalous in some of his behavior. At first I could not stand his behavior. However over time I began to live again. Because of him. He taught me to live more in the present. That the past can not be changed an I should not allow it to kill me slowly. Yet despite this I still can not escape the nightmares.
His death was both a blessing and a curse. I never knew one could have their heart split between two people. Mine was. I loved both Dekkarra and Leon. Though it was not until he was dying that I realized my feelings for him. He had tried to keep me at arm’s length though he did admit he had loved me as well. He knew I also loved Dekkarra and his own life was so tragically short. So he tried to keep my heart from breaking.
Itis was his
wishes that I find a way to keep living. To find my own happiness. I
married Dekkarra an tried to keep pushing forward. I still suffer for my
mistakes but I have gotten better then I used to be. So do not worry
for me. Though I have a feeling you will worry anyways. I will be back
in a week. An I will be as strong as I was before. I will return an be
ready to work an aid the Order as best to my ability as I can. Maybe I
will even be able to muster the courage to speak with Aimee. Maybe.
Until then be well.
-Destiney
Rhisi,
I had wanted to speak with you after the other night. However you were gone before I had a chance at Forgotten Springs. I did not want to darken your night anyways so maybe it was for the best.
I vaguely recall hearing your voice the other night as I was sitting outside staring at the water but I was unable to respond. I was… lost in my own thoughts and just a bit asleep by the time you had stopped by to check upon me. I was… Not as okay as I tried to be.
I have been restless an near sleepless for most of a week by that night. Which was why I kept falling asleep in the house and I do apologize if I worried you. You had good reason to be worried. I wish I could have spoken with you to explain. Maybe if I have the courage I will be able to send this letter to you as I leave for my trip. I do hope to come back in a better condition then I have left. Return to being the person you are used to seeing.
Every year about this time my nightmares become worse. I never wish to darken anyone’s day by talking about my own private pain. It is something I have been dealing with for some years. I am not sure just how ready I am to admit it so openly an honestly. I hoped that writing the words might be easier then trying to find the courage to speak of them to you. I am sure you have enough to worry about then my night-terrors.
I know I have told you before that I lost my father at Certeanu Flatts. It is partly his loss that fuels these nightmares but only a small part. The true fuel of these night-terrors is of my own making. Five years after the calamity… I left Ishgard an went to Castrum Occidens. I fully intended not to walk away from this venture. I had been seeking my own death an the deaths of any Imperials I could murder while I still lived. I was in a very dark place in my heart at this time. I almost succeeded. Almost of course since I am still here living and breathing.
The celebrations for the fact that Eorzea was saved from the calamity only serves as a reminder of the things I have survived. In turn they make the nightmares haunt me more then any other time of the year. Over time things have gotten better but never fully gone away. It is part of the reason Dekkarra has made it a point to drag me away for a week to recover. He is a healer as well an I think he realizes how much I am still troubled by my own foolish choices. In his own way he is trying to help me through. He is an continues to be a light I can hold onto in the darkness.
I killed people that day. I murdered several Imperials before they nearly claimed my life. I had the blood of one of their men on my hands. I can still see it in my mind as I plunged that arrow into his chest with my own hands because I had lost my bow. I can still feel his blood slicking my hands. I can still picture my own blood as his allies sought for my life. It is their sneering faces. It is all that blood that still haunts my dreams. It is why I find myself unable to face foes that are not monsters or wildlife. Even now my hands still sometime shake when I reach for my bow. I killed men who might have had families. Had lives. An I had taken them away in my own bid for vengeance. I told you before I am past seeking revenge. It is still true even now. I realize my mistakes as I am now haunted by them.
However it was not Dekkarra that helped me through the darkest part of my life. It was a duskwight who was terminally ill, named Leonceault Chassebel. He was a bard who was traveling with my Uncle Ricard and a warrior lady named Moon Dove. It was the three of them who rescued me from my own suicide. It was Leon who gave me the strength to find my way out of the darkness an back to the light. Even though he was slowly dying each day he always carried a smile an upbeat attitude about life. Even to his death he kept smiling. He never let the darkness get a hold of him an drag him under like I had.
I guess in a way it is Leon who is responsible for my interest in dark skinned elezen men. I guess a part of me hopes to find someone just like Leon. Or at least someone close to. Leon always believed that death was not the end. It was merely another path we take until we can return to the land of living once more. Maybe it is that thought that keeps me hopeful.
Leon was a terrible flirt. Totally scandalous in some of his behavior. At first I could not stand his behavior. However over time I began to live again. Because of him. He taught me to live more in the present. That the past can not be changed an I should not allow it to kill me slowly. Yet despite this I still can not escape the nightmares.
His death was both a blessing and a curse. I never knew one could have their heart split between two people. Mine was. I loved both Dekkarra and Leon. Though it was not until he was dying that I realized my feelings for him. He had tried to keep me at arm’s length though he did admit he had loved me as well. He knew I also loved Dekkarra and his own life was so tragically short. So he tried to keep my heart from breaking.
It
-Destiney
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