Journal Entry 35 - Destiney

The last many days… I’ve been bounced between so many varying shades of emotion. Pain, emptiness, sadness, anger… Fear. Love. Hope.

Our last mission was going well enough. Though the cards predicted it would be a rough night. A night we could pull through together. We did. But… There were some very rocky bumps in the road this night. The worst part was whatever that device was that threw us all into memories. Memories meant to cut an bleed us dry. 

It felt like being back in that very moment. The memory was literally that vivid. I could actually feel the pain all over again. I was forced to replay that moment once more. As if the nightmares had never been enough. To relive the moment before I nearly died. To be brought back to that brink… To see those sneering Imperial faces hovering over me once more… Even as Konner set us free I found myself stuck hovering at the edges of that pain. 

Dusk’s voice was the first thing I heard. I heard her calling out to me. Bringing me back from that trauma of the past. I forced myself to stand once more. To put one foot in front of the other again. However I was hesitant enough in moving that I believe I worried Quarcy. His concerned hand on my shoulder was enough to finish dispelling the hold that memory gripped me in. I was able to keep going forward with the mission. Though I took the time to slip on my half-mask, relishing in the comfortable feeling of it upon my face. Hiding behind that mask. 

I returned to the house after the mission with the intent to help at the ward with any injuries. However I found myself a patient instead. I should not have worn the jacket into the heat of Thanalan despite the extra protection it offered. Rhisi forced me to lie down an rest before I fell over from the heat exhaustion that was winning out. I only remained long enough to regain some of my strength. My mind was too restless with what happened. I returned to my own room instead.

I spent the next few days at my house, turning away even my cousin. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want company. Though after a day I found myself back at the Order’s house. Dusk was sitting near the fireplace with tea. Tea sounded really good right then. She offered some to me as well as her ear to listen to what troubled my heart.

I explained it all to her. The events of that day outside of Castrum Occidens. My desire to kill and be killed. Only for my life to be spared in the end. Saved by my Uncle and his companions. Leon… I admitted to how broken I was afterwards. Not understanding why I was still alive back then. Her words though helped to soothe some of the pain that plagued my heart the last few days. Dusk and I might not always see eye to eye… But right then I was grateful for her warm presence.

Life returned to relatively normal for about a day. Apparently though at dinner I found I had missed something important. There was so much tension. Rhisi pulled Nate and myself aside. We were told about an incident in the Order’s past before either of us had joined. An incident involving Oni and the siblings. An Castrum Occidens…

I was warned about Leera being invited into the house. Damn it… I couldn’t sit there an argue with Rhisi though. I left things at that. Choosing to say very little.
I found Nate in the garden the next day. I had intended to head to Wineport. Alone if needed. This was my problem. I couldn’t take the chance that the Order could end up in another situation like that again. If I was forced into Occidens right now… I would be useless… Unable to function… A liability.

Nate however offered to help me. I wanted to refuse. Didn’t want him to watch. Didn’t want to show him just how truly broken I am… Yet… I allowed him to come with me. To be my anchor. To force me home again if I found myself unable to keep going. Because I trust Nate.

I forced myself to go as close to that Castrum as I could. Tried so hard to push further. Yet my legs gave out on me. My body turned traitor to the memories of that day. All I could do was sit there on the ground an tremble like a leaf. Damn it all… Nate’s presence and voice were all I could grasp. I wanted to do better. Yet I had failed… I allowed Nate to sweep me back off to the house.

I will try again. As many times as needed. Until I can overcome whatever part of me I broke that day. I will become stronger. I will not be a liability. Nate offered to continue helping me with this problem. Sweet gentle Nate… 

I have not gone back again yet. I have gotten too caught up in the preparations for Starlight. I did though manage to run into Leera in Gridania while running errands for my mother. 

Leera looked bad. Well physically he did. I asked him about the attack on Lance. He insisted he couldn’t remember. He seemed honest enough in his answer. He also seemed to be far more emotional then usual. I tried to convince him ‘Father’ is just using him. It didn’t work. I tried to change tactics. Tried to sympathize. I do want to help him. Be his friend. Yet for all his praise towards that man… I still feel he would be better off without that man in his life. Forcing him to nearly freeze to death… Driving Leera to the brink of madness if my cousin’s words were to be trusted. I’m not sure I made any progress. Though I feel I understand a bit more. As well as a bit of the way Leera thinks. I did get him to allow me to heal the physical damage though before I left. I think I may have caught him just a bit off guard with calling him my friend though. Yet his words of warning me not to get in trouble for his sake were touching.

Anyways… I better get finished with those Starlight decorations.

Journal Entry 34 - Destiney

I seem to be neglecting to write in here as often as I used to. I guess life has been a bit busier then normal. Especially now with my cousin in the picture.

Lance and I have been spending time when we both can getting to know each other. It has been mostly casual. He hasn’t tried to pry for anything more then I am willing to speak with him on. Then again part of me is still waiting for him to stab me in the back. I don’t think he will though… I guess it is still part of me not ready to accept that someone from that side of the family actually cares.

He did mention the other night he had come looking for me to tend to some injuries he had gotten while on duty. I guess he got injured fending off an attack in a joint effort with some of the Fortemps troops from Dragonhead. Some aevis scored a lucky hit on him. Apparently Tara took care of it for him though. 

He also mentioned some sparring match that happened while he was visiting. Something about Aras and Dusk. He didn’t have all the details as he and Tara had arrived towards the end of the match. Though he made mention of interest in challenging her himself sometime. As well as that he met Nate after. Who didn’t seem to be having a good day. 

Speaking on Nate. I’m glad he has so much patience for me some days. I feel I have been rather snappish with him lately. I guess I am just still upset from last week’s mission. I don’t really mean to take it out on him. I mean we have moments where I feel like we might clash an I get so scared of what might happen if we do. I guess I should have a bit more faith. Faith that the bond between us is stronger then a few ill words. 

I mean he did get a chance to see me use a bow for a change in the Twelveswood last week. Tara had gotten lost. Or rather something had spooked her chocobo. It was nice… Fighting side by side like that. Instead of just watching his back. We did manage to find Tara safe and sound though she had been chased by a few tempered Sylphs. Nate and I had gone to check an make sure they had all returned to their territory after they gave up the chase. Of course we found some stragglers. That was how Nate and I got to fight side by side. I was unlucky that day apparently though. One of the sylphs managed to catch me off guard an I was zapped pretty good. No real physical injury though besides feeling rather numb and tingly. Nate got us back to the house before actually carrying me inside on his back. I was a bit… embarrassed honestly. Mostly because there were others in the house at the time. But at the same time I was afraid I might trip an fall on my face with the way certain parts of my body felt numb. I knew it would wear off in time though. So it wasn’t like I hadn’t agreed to let him carry me.

Dusk pulled me aside once I was feeling a bit less numb. We stepped aside into my room to talk privately. Apparently she felt the need to caution me about Leera and Rose. She doesn’t want Leera anywhere near Rose. Our youngest an newest member. I understand she is young an still learning. However I was a bit offended that she felt the need to try an caution me yet again. I know Leera -can- be dangerous. I’ve always held a measure of caution when dealing with Leera ever since learning the truth about who an what he is. There is always a certain amount of caution needed when dealing with a predator. I want to believe Leera can be good, can do something more then be a tool for his creators. Even Oni when we had a discussion earlier in the day had believed there might be a chance for Leera to be a better person. He just needs to be taken away from the bad influences an given a chance. So I told Dusk my own opinions an what Oni had said. It was admitting Leera does need to change. Yet I still feel Leera does care about me in a way. 

I had told Oni about the potion Leera had given to me. About how Felix thought it had been something to be used against him. That was how our discussion went from Oni’s new tools into talk of his sibling. I haven’t seen Leera for a bit of time now. He had told me I wouldn’t.  But in our talk Oni did agree Leera wasn’t always the way he is now. That maybe if he was taken away from ‘father’ that there could be a chance for real change. I mean it is worth a shot if I can find a way. Why else would Leera care enough to keep speaking to me or even give me a potion for my own safety? I am certainly not -that- entertaining for him to be toying with me.
Oh! On a rather positive note. I survived my first cooking lesson with J’siris. I had offered him use of my new kitchen an he proceeded to teach me a stew. It actually turned out really well even with me helping make it. I didn’t even cut any fingers this time! I even took some to Lance before I joined the Order at the house for the evening.

Anyways I better finish my work before the mission this evening. It is nearly time.

Journal Entry 33 - Destiney

Now where did I leave off last time… Oh yes the knock at my door. Apparently I have a cousin who decided to come from Ishgard to watch over me. On occasion. Apparently he has been spying upon me for a while now. An those in my free company. It seems my grandfather has not been too fond of some of my recent activities. He originally sent Lance to spy on us an report back to him.

Lance claims he’s giving him false information though. That Lance just wants a chance to prove himself to me now. Since Dusk and Raiden seemed to think he’s not a danger to me… I’m giving him a chance. A chance to prove himself and the words he claims to be true. So we’ve spent some time getting to know each other. Just a little bit so far. Both of our lives are somewhat busy. So we just try to find time where we can.

There have been no recent missions. At least none that I know of. Life has been busy for many of us this past week. Work or family requiring attention from many. Myself included. Between visiting my mother and dealing with my cousin. An some work for the Flames and Gods’ Quiver.

I met Feterra… Apparently a friend of Nate’s who is staying with him… We had words the other night. Not exactly pleasant words. I do not know how much of the things she said I believe or want to accept with at least a grain of salt. She said Nate hates healers. That she can’t believe Nate would be friends with me. Unless we were ‘special’ friends. Just because Nate stayed on my couch in my room at the Order’s house when he was injured… Nothing has ever happened like that between us. I would never ask that of Nate. I would be afraid it would ruin what does exist between us if I even did. An I can see the pain when he mentions Granger.

I was… Angry. I think I kept my temper rather well despite the anger I was feeling towards her words and judgements of the bond between Nate and I. Thankfully Rhisi arrived an our conversation ended. I took a walk rather then continuing to let her goad me into further anger. It would not benefit anything for me to have remained. She did apologize to me later before I went to bed. I was no longer feeling well.

Oni had been the reason I had felt ill. He had come home with items from a recent hunt. All I could remember was the day I had found him hunting. The blood and sight I found… The thought still made me fearful to be around him. I have been avoiding him an staying away from him as much as possible since that day. At least until last night.

Rhisi had pulled me aside. She had mentioned the day before about asking me how I was doing with the cards. She did ask about the cards… But there was more to our discussion then just that. We also discussed Oni. I was asked if I had ever tried to ask the cards about Oni. I had. Twice now. Once a while back when I was last having problems with him. An then again last night. Each time the answer was the same. Incomplete. Unfinished. Rhisi thought it was actually fitting of the man she knows Oni to be.

I… Came to a realization last night in that discussion. I don’t want to die. Not anymore. Not like I once had. Somehow in my fear while watching Oni… In thinking I might be next… I realized I no longer wanted to die. I had never given the idea much thought since the day I tried to die outside of Occidens. I had wanted to die so badly. I had wanted to take those soldiers with me. Instead I had left a broken mess. I was saved and could not understand why. I was inches from death. Seconds maybe. Yet I was saved. For so long… I couldn’t understand why. I’m not entirely sure I still know why. Yet… Maybe I am finally on the path to understanding it.

Rhisi told me a small story. In a way she seems to think that the events that occurred on my nameday… That this is in a way a part of my rebirth. That it is like the warriors of her story. They live to fight an die in battle. Only to sometimes live. That it is not a second chance. It’s a path towards a rebirth. To accepting that they are alive an that is how they want to be. That the path is never easy. It can be dark, stormy, painful, and filled with fear. It’s the acceptance that is the rebirth. Realizing you want to be alive.

Maybe part of me did die that day. Maybe that part of me my uncle, Leon, an Dove saved was worth it. Worth breathing life back into. Even as broken an shattered as I was. That fragment they worked to restore… It just took me time to realize I wanted to be alive.

Of course this doesn’t mean some magic wand has been waved an I will be one hundred percent alright from now on. I’m still an imperfect creature. I am still finding my way in life. I am still figuring things out. I’ll still have moments where I doubt myself and my abilities. Where all I feel is the darkness in my own heart. That is still a part of who I am. There is no magical cure. There is no quick fix. But… There will always be people who love and care about me though. An somehow I will make it through even when my doubts threaten to drown me.

Oni… I am still unsure how I feel about him. Other then… I still want to be his friend. I was honest about that with him last night at Bronze Lake. I do not know if I can look at him the same way I once did. I do not know if I will ever be able to easily accept the predator he is deep down. I do know that the people of this company that know the truth trust him completely. Rhisi said he chooses us. He chooses to give everything he is to us. That even if he was half mad with hunger he would still do everything in his power to control himself and protect those he calls his family. Somehow… I need to find a way to accept this. In my own way. To come to terms with what lurks beneath that gentle exterior.

Leera… He knows I gave up the potion to Felix yesterday. Felix felt it was dangerous. That somehow it was some plot against Oni. I had never once intended to give it to Oni. Leera gave it to me. It was for my safety. But… I knew Felix wouldn’t let up. I didn’t want to ruin what is between Felix and I. Our friendship does mean a good deal to me. So I gave it to him. Apparently Leera had been nearby an observed. He contacted me over the linkpearl he had left me. I felt bad. I’m not sure if he thought I would lie to him as Felix asked me to or something else. He sounded disappointed. Whether it was just in Felix or the fact that I handed it over I do not know. One thing I will admit is that I am disappointed that I will not hear from Leera again for a time. He said he had to go away for a while. However I did let Felix know I would not stop talking to Leera just because I handed over that vial.

It is unfair to make me pick sides. To keep me in the dark an assume I should side with one based on words alone. I still think there is some shred of good in Leera. I will continue to keep this stance until he proves me wrong otherwise. Till he proves to me that there is no redemption for a soul like his. If I can accept Leera… Surely I can find a way to accept Oni as well. They are both dangerous in their own ways. I will find a way to come to terms with everything. One way or another. I hope. I believe.

There is one thing that bothers me though… I had stepped away from Felix, Dusk, an Rhisi to answer Leera. I told them it was something personal. Which.., It technically is. Still it feels so close to lying… I found myself unable to admit to who I spoke with. Not with Dusk and Felix present. I know their opinions of Leera. I knew they would frown upon it.

Damn it all… I totally did not have a chance to speak with Nate last night either. I spent the first half of the night enjoying the quiet as I was left alone. I mean Konner did come to check in with me which was kind of him. Eventually though Nate brought over a guest who was staying at the house. Yet I did not get a moment alone with him to speak with him about Feterra.

I had a first that night. Nate brought Taka over to me who was very visibly pregnant. I have never dealt with a pregnant person before. Nor have I ever had to check on the health of a child. I am still such a novice healer yet Nate… Seemed to think enough of my skills to bring her to me instead of Aimee. I was nervous and unsure. Yet… I think I did alright.

Overall… This past several days has been a literal whirlwind. I feel like I have been up an down and all over the place emotionally. Many good and bad. I think… Once I can sort through my feelings… Sort through how to handle everything… I will be just fine. Yes… I think that is accurate.

Journal Entry 32 - Destiney

It’s been a time since I’ve last written in here. I was… emotionally distraught last time. Things are… A mix between better an worse. Depends upon which day we speak of. Am I as upset as the last time I wrote? No. Am I still… Gods I don’t know. The things I’ve seen and had to think on in the time between then and now…
The missions and the missing kids. Yes more missing kids which we found and rescued this time thankfully. Dealing with missing supplies only to have to deal with our masked foe and corrupted fire elementals and the undead… Our missions have been getting more and more dangerous. Dealings with a fanatic crazed with some sort of being named Gaia. It’s a lot to take in. A lot to understand. It leaves me scratching my head an wondering where to find the answers. We can’t even touch our masked foe. Twelve be merciful… We need to get to the bottom of this before anyone else gets hurt. Aras was hurt in the fight with the masked foe and his behemoth. Quarcy was hurt in the fight with the masked foe an his tortoise and fire elementals. I am tired of watching the others get hurt. There has to be answers somewhere. There just has to be…

On a plus side to the time I’ve spent… I am back on good terms once more with Felix and Dusk. Though they have both multiple times cautioned me against Leera. Both of them have. I know they mean well.

But I hold to what I believe. I believe Leera can be a better person. He just needs the right influences. He’s been nothing short of caring when I talk to him. Alright sometimes he seems a little cold. But he’s always been honest. He even gave me a potion of sorts in case I were to get hurt. Which of course Felix seems to insist is some kind of poison. I highly doubt it is. Leera gave it to me while we were discussing Oni.

Speaking of Oni… I got to witness him hunting by accident. Wrong place, wrong time… To think… Our head of security can behave like that… To know what he is capable of… I understand now why Leera warned me. I was never more thankful in that moment to have that linkpearl to contact Leera with. I was so afraid I couldn’t think straight. I thought for sure I was going to end up as Oni’s next meal. An to watch him… No I can’t recall it. It still makes me feel ill.

Felix seems to think I need to keep an open mind. I’ve always had an open mind. But this… This is wrong on so many levels. Nate said Oni wanted to apologize. I’m not sure I want to be alone in the same room with him. I’m not sure I can trust him after what I saw. After everything I’ve been told between Leera and Raiden. I’m not sure what to think right now… I’m not sure I will ever be able to look at him in the same way again. There might always be that fear now.

I’m hoping to see Leera again soon. I’m hoping to finish discussing some of what was mentioned before Dusk showed up during our last chat. Hopefully…

Ah… I will have to finish writing another time. There is a knock on my door. Might be Chee or her brother. It is unusual for me to have guests at my personal home.

Journal Entry 31 - Destiney

Am I really so fragile? Am I truly like broken glass? I overheard Dusk’s words as I lingered near the stairs after changing my clothes to head to the Shroud in hopes of finding Basteaux. I wanted to run upstairs an claim I was not glass! But… Maybe I am…

I must be so broken an be the only one who can not see it. How could I feel nothing about ten dead children! Ten! I felt numb and empty. Yet… I was so near to being sick watching the rest of the Order kill the bandits responsible. I spent the better part of two days wandering about wondering why I felt so little. Was I really so broken I could feel so little about dead children? That I could find no rage. That I could find no killing calm towards those responsible. Had I shattered myself so badly that day outside Occidens that I could no longer find that rage an anger for such a tragedy?

I thought I was going to be okay. I thought I could be strong an help those who needed it. I thought I could repay the kindness I have received ever since joining the Order. I told Rhisi I was fine. That I could find no rage like everyone else could. She hoped I would never find it again. I thought I was fine. But time only made me doubt myself.

I found Leera outside the house a few days ago. I was cautious at first as I usually am. I know what the others think of him. I know I can never fully trust him. But… He seemed like he was actually sorry about the whole incident. I found myself drawn towards him like a moth to a flame.

When Felix showed… I said words I should never had said. I felt as if a slap to my face would have been less painful or even a sword to the gut… He thought… I was stupid for wanting to be around Leera. Even though he was the one who first left me alone with him! Even though he never once thought to ask if I was okay after finding out the truth about Leera in person! He claims Leera is a monster an only wants to kill certain members of the Order… Yet… I see more to the man then that. I can see some shred of good in him. I want to believe that maybe there is a chance he can be something more.

Dusk had happened by during our exchange of words. She called my behavior childish… Maybe… I think I had a right to my feelings. I felt so raw and hurt. I felt so… Alone. I wanted to curl into a ball an wish the world away. I threw words at her. I told her how I felt. Blamed things on those that made me feel as if… as if… I was not a person. I blamed Oni and his treating Daisy and I as snacks. I blamed Aimee an her lack of making sure I knew my job as a healer for the Order. I blamed Felix for thinking less of me. I blamed everyone but my weak self at the time…

As she left I noticed Leera had left a linkpearl near me when he had left. I grabbed it an held it tight. I felt… Defiant. Hurt and defiant. I wanted to prove them wrong. Prove to them that maybe there was a shred of humanity inside the man they thought of as a monster. That even as fragile as I can be in their eyes… I can still be strong in different ways. Continue to reforge the broken parts of myself as I had been. I had been doing so well…

It was after that exchange that I had gone out with my bow. I was still feeling so raw an hurt. I figured a few drinks with Basteaux an forgetting the world was in order. Instead all I found was more pain. This time physical. I was forced to flee from some bandits as I was lacking care as I traveled through the woods. Somewhere along the line I had fallen. Tried to stop my fall with my bow hand. I know the wrist is sprained. And… I do not care. I welcomed the pain. Once I was safe I took the time to wrap my wrist and hand. Not well since I was doing it with only one hand.

I’m still so… Mixed. So hurt an sad. I don’t want to bother Rhisi. I don’t want to bother anyone. I just… I’m not sure what I want. I have avoided the hall since that night. I’ve avoided all contact with the rest of the Order. I’m… not sure… What I am going to do come tomorrow… I should be there for the mission… But… I just do not know… Twelve help me… Maybe I should use that linkpearl Leera left me… Is this a mistake? Should I have not picked it up at all? Maybe I should just let myself believe what they say about him instead… Is it really wrong of me to want to think that maybe Leera might change for the better with the right influences? I won’t know without trying… It could mean my death… It could mean more pain… I should be afraid… But I’m not…

Journal Entry 30 - Destiney

The mission at the end of the week took us down in the Sunken Temple of Qarn. We hoped to find whatever it was that the enemy was after. As well as come up with a way to undo whatever meddling he had done. The aether around the temple felt… Disturbed. Obviously our enemy had a hand in whatever was wrong.

I was assigned to a team with Kagato, Chloe, and Dusk. Together we took one path. The other two teams split off from us to check other areas. Kagato was treasure happy. Why am I not surprised when he is a pirate. The whole mentality of ‘it it can be taken, take it’.

Things went fairly smoothly for us for the most part. Until the room with the large stone golem. The fight got a bit rough. At one point even though it seemed like Kagato had it’s attention, it turned around to smack me. I was totally off guard, focusing on keeping everyone standing an save from major injuries. Thankfully the damage I took was not life threatening. The arm it had hit though was not in the best of shape. I’m pretty sure something was fractured for the amount of pain I was in. I allowed Daisy to tend to my arm as the battle ended. However I stopped her from doing more then healing the fracture. We didn’t have time nor did I want to waste the effort on healing minor injuries.

We pressed in deeper into the temple. I managed to get knocked around again by a Croc. Thankfully it only bruised my back but nothing worse. In the end we arrived at a giant room with the other two teams. There was our masked foe. He tried to steal a jewel from the large statue in the room. However this seemed to wake the damn thing. He fled an left us to deal with it. We defeated the living statue but the gem the enemy was after crumbled to dust along with the rest of the statue. So whatever he wanted to us it for we would not find out. The gem was gone. As was our masked foe.

We returned to the house to deal with injuries. I went off to the medical ward to see what I could do while Aimee was tending to Oni’s injuries. Both Nate and Tara came in to be treated. Rhisi left me to tend to Nate’s broken ribs while she went to see what she could do for Tara’s concussion. I sent Daisy over to help Rhisi while I wrapped Nate’s ribs since he said aetherical healing wouldn’t work on him. An it was better then Daisy fussing over my arm.

I had taken my coat off so that the sleeves wouldn’t be in the way. I could already see how badly my arm was going to look the next day. I wanted to ask Nate why I couldn’t use magic to heal him but I decided he would tell me in time. He did not seem ready to talk about it.

Rhisi came over to check on me as Nate excused himself for the night. Tara had already left an Daisy was back at my side. Daisy was waving her arms in annoyance at the fact I wouldn’t let her finish what she had started earlier. I was too tired to care. Rhisi seemed worried but I promised her it was just bruises. Which was not a lie. I just didn’t mention how tired and sore I felt.

I was late to the All Saints’s Wake party at the house. I had gotten caught up in work as well as I had to modify my outfit. An let Daisy at least heal the bruises on my back. My outfit was a bit too revealing to be walking about sporting so many bruises. I had added sleeves to the outfit to hide the way my left arm looked. Of course Daisy fussed again. I felt a little bad at just blowing it off but I was already late.

The party was quite fun. I teased J’siris a bit. Flirted a bit with Raiden before warning him to stay out of my room. Talked some with a friend of J’siris and Kagato. I figured if I was going to go dressed as a succubus, why not be a little bit wicked. It was for one night anyways. So I acted the part an tried not to be as embarrassed as I would have been normally to be in such an outfit.

I ran into Leera at the end of week gathering at Bronze Lake. We talked for a few before I reminded him I had invited him before. Back before I had learned the truth about him. I don’t hate him. I sort of miss the easy interactions I had with him before that night in the South Shroud. Like that night at the house with Capucine. I wanted to talk to him more then too. Something about Leera… I’m not sure what it is… So I tried to talk to Felix an ask him to just try an ignore Leera’s presence… Yeah that went wonderfully. Felix left in a huff.

Nate was talking to Rhisi when I turned around. I heard her mentioning to Nate he should check with his healer about being in the water. I think he was a bit surprised to find me standing to his right when I spoke up with my opinion. So I joined Nate in the water. We could both use a good soak in the hot springs. When we both started to get tired we returned to the house so that I could change his bandages for dry ones.

I went out to the South Shroud for work the next day. I ended up missing dinner. But it was well worth it. I think I made a new friend.

I was over towards the entrance of the Keep. I had offered my services to a friend of my father’s in the Gods’ Quiver. I came across a man. A Duskwight. At first I thought he might be a bandit. He mistook me for a Gods’ Quiver because I was wearing my half mask I tend to use when I patrol in the Shroud.

It was when he drew closer that I thought I was seeing a ghost. I felt my chest tighten. My head felt light. I was afraid I might pass out. Leon… I thought I was seeing him. I know he’s dead but… I should know better. Should know it couldn’t be him.

I think I worried Basteaux a little with my reaction at first sight of him up close. So I told him of Leon. An how they looked similar from first glance. But really looking at Basteaux I realized they are not the same. The skin tone was wrong as was the scars on the face. He was missing that golden tattoo on his face. They both have blonde hair and green eyes though the shades are not the same either. No wonder I mistook him for Leon. They even wore their hair in about the same way.

I talked for a bit with Basteaux until I had to leave. I asked him if I could meet him again. Maybe over drinks at Busacroon’s. He agreed. I’m interested in talking to him. He patrols the South Shroud dealing with bandits on his own because he feels the Wailers and Quiver don’t do a good enough job. I hope I can meet him again.

Two days later I was sitting outside the house reading. Daisy was hovering over my shoulder. Maybe reading. I’m not sure if she knows how. Nate stopped by the house. It was once he was talking that I realized that Oni was sitting on the wall nearby. Being a creeper. I have no idea how long he had been sitting there. Watching. Waiting.

The three of us talked for a bit. Oni was mentioning something about smelling a certain type of aether. Daisy was busy amusing herself. She had first gone over to Nate an waved to him, examining him before I reminded her we couldn’t heal his ribs. So Daisy then began wandering over towards Oni. I was talking to Nate so I wasn’t fully paying attention to Daisy. Oni had held his hand out to her and she sat down on it. She thought she was safe. Should have been safe… If Oni wasn’t hungry…

Before I knew it Oni was trying to eat Daisy… I smacked him over the head with the book I had been reading when he didn’t spit her out when I demanded him to. I might have smacked him a bit harder then intended but I was panicking about Daisy. He did spit her out. Strings of blue saliva dripping from her as she sat upon the ground. Daisy was totally not happy. I scolded Oni, reminding him that I had no idea the effects if he ate Daisy. I had no idea if I would be able to resummon her again or if the bond would be broken. So instead I concentrated an made a ball of aether for him to snack on. I’m sure it wasn’t enough but it would have to do. Of course then there was talk of him licking Nate.

Some days I worry about Oni. Other days he seems so normal.

Well I need to get some work done before tonight’s mission.

Journal Entry 29 - Destiney

I was running late for the gathering at Forgotten Springs. I took far too long fussing with that silk. I really should not make bets while drinking. Felix finally decided this week would be the time for me to wear it. So thankfully by the time I arrived most people were busy talking to other people already. I was not sure how the silk an water would mix so I took a seat on the dock.

Konner came over to talk to me for a little while. It was mostly just small talk. Asking me how I was an such. A few things of what I enjoyed. I think mostly making sure I was doing alright. I appreciate the concern. Eventually Konner wandered off to check on other people at the gathering or something. I can not recall.

Eventually Nate finished his conversation with Neiven and came up to sit beside me. He commented on how I looked. I could not help but fuss with the silk an blush like some stupid maiden. Ugh. How is it I can think an behave two different ways? I mean I know I have the figure for the outfit but I still felt like… Like this outfit was something Leon would have enjoyed making me wear. I wanted to hide my burning face.

Raiden did not help matters any. Not. One. Bit. PEST! Oni was busy with Aimee and Felix but that did not stop Raiden in his aether form from pestering me. I do not think Nate could see him. An Raiden was being far too touchy feely. He kept trying to get a view under that silk. When I tried to thwart him, he just perched on Nate’s shoulder an looked down at my chest… Pervert…

Dinner came and went. It was a hotpot dinner? I think that is what Rhisi called it. It was a quiet night though. Raiden made no moves despite me wearing that outfit again. Thank the Twelve. I spent most of the dinner making small talk with Nate. We did not have any guests for a change.

Our mid-week mission… Wow…

We went out to the Churning Mists to collect stuff from Wind Sprites in the area. Rhisi hoped we could find a way to counter whatever was done to the golems using them. Since in the elemental wheel Earth is weak to Wind. So out we went.

Of course things did not go entirely smooth as usual. Dragons and all. An not the friendly kind. Remnants of Nidhogg’s Brood probably. I can not say for sure since I was not going to try asking an angry dragon why it was attacking us. Though we did manage to collect enough to work with plus one extra. Just in case. Hopefully it will be enough to reverse the tampering that was done.

We encountered a strange treasure coffer in the middle of the road as we finished. Of course it was trapped. Why not. We subdued the monsters lured by the trap only for a portal to appear. A few of the group were unsure about seeing where it lead. Rhisi has said she had heard mention of these portals before. Some place called the Aquapolis. So we ventured inside. It was a fascinating area I wish I could have explored more.

We found a treasure coffer in the middle of a spacious room. Of course it was trapped. A coffer in the middle of a room untouched. Definitely trapped. Two gates opened an we dealt with the monsters the trap had unleashed upon us. It left us with two choices. Left or Right. Two doors. No idea if either was trapped or not. We tried going left but it was the trapped door of course. So much for that. The trap threw us back out into the Churning Mists. Rhisi called an end to our adventures for one night, assigning Quarcy to help me figure out a way to reverse the tampering.

We returned to the house. I went to my room to change back into the silks of the thavnarian outfit. Well at to drop off the stuff we gathered tonight as well. I went back out to see if I could find Quarcy. He had gotten sick while we were in the Churning Mists. I could tell the signs. I knew them all too well. Something was bothering him. Something as bad as my own memories of Castrum Occidens. I wanted to make sure he was okay.

I found Quarcy hiding in a corner. I asked him if he was okay an he deflected the question trying to assure me he was okay. I sort of expected that answer. I put a hand against his head, his skin was so cold. I tried again to ask him about his current state only to give up an attempt to let it go at that. So I suggested we could begin our work on those cores. I figured maybe instead I could at least take his mind off things.

Well maybe. I decided to kindly mention once we were in the privacy of my room that I knew the way he felt. I knew how badly a traumatic moment could shake a person when returning to the place or something similar. Our conversation got to be a bit jumbled between the discussion of the cores and what was bothering him. He slowly began to open up. Asking me if things ever got better. I told him I was still dealing with my own problems but time an the people I care about having given me the strength to keep pushing. To find a path in the right direction. Healing is no overnight process. An for everyone it is different.

He asked me to go with him. He wanted to show me something. Since we were making no process on the cores I agreed. He was too distracted to work an I wanted to know. I wanted to be there for him. Even if listening an sympathizing with him was the only thing I could do. Sometimes it helps just to know there is someone who cares.

He could have at least warned me we were going somewhere extremely cold so I could have put on my gear instead of that soft silk. I was freezing when he teleported us to Falcon’s Reach. Thankfully I had my grabbed my bag so I could throw on my coat, boots, and gloves. At least now I wouldn’t completely freeze as he showed me what he wanted to show me.

The Orphanage and the graves of those he had lost in Coerthas. Mabs’ grave at the Burning Wall. He opened up to me on the reasons Churning Mist brings back such bad memories and made him ill. An gave me more reason to dislike House Dzemael other then some of my family in Ishgard serving them. I was glad he opened up to me and shared some of his pain. I feel like I am beginning to understand Quarcy a bit better. An I tried to make him think of himself as more important then he believes. He is such a smart guy an a good person. No matter what he has suffered. He should not feel like he is worthless or has no real place.

We returned to the house after. However it was late an I needed rest. The cores could wait. Helping Quarcy was more important. I was glad to see him doing better.

I seem to be doing a good bit of that lately. First with Nate and then with Quarcy. I guess my own stupidity choices helped with something. I’m learning how to help others who have also had something pretty bad happen. In a way I guess it is a good thing. I am a healer after all. Who is to say I can’t help with the mental besides just the physical.

I was too tired to change my clothes. So I fell asleep in the silk thavnarian clothes. The next morning… By the Twelve… Raiden!

I thought something felt off. I was drowsy from being up so late. But something woke me from slumber. I blinked with eyes not quite adjusted to the morning light. I looked down at my legs where something felt off. I screamed an scrambled to get away. Raiden! Freaking me out that early in the morning. Seeing a big fat tentacle of aether just draped over my legs… Just sprawled there… Like it was no big deal… I hope no one else heard my screams. Both my screams of panic before I realized what was going on an the screams at Raiden as I kicked him out of my room. The nerve of him! Twelve save me… He better pray to Halone to protect him if he tries anything like that again. I am pretty sure my face was as red as it could possibly be. Just what in the world had he done while I was sleeping?! Pervert!

Journal Entry 28 - Destiney

The beach night was at Costa this week. It was not a bad night. Nor was it overly memorable. Well not as much compared to some of the others things that happened this past week.

I spent the night talking with Nate and Chloe mainly. Though Oni left a note with me before he left. Saying we needed to speak so I could give my report on the work Tara an I were supposed to have done. I put the note away and continued to converse with people present. I would worry about it later. The reports had waited this long anyways.

It was at dinner the next night that Oni decided it was a good time to pull me aside for those reports. I left Nate to speak with Rhisi about joining us for some work. We headed off to my room where I left my papers an the armband I needed to give to Oni.

I gave him my report. An gods be damned if I did not feel like I had somehow kicked a small cute creature after Oni had left. He was… So quiet. So unlike himself. Well unlike what I had grown used to knowing. I felt like I had surely done something bad. I returned to join those that remained at the table. Oni’s silence was unnerving at the very least. I wanted to scream an demand to know what I had done. All I had done was give my report as he had asked.

I had promised Nate a reading after dinner. Most of the others had wandered off for the night. An I needed a distraction from the fact that Oni was behaving like that. So we headed downstairs so I could use the table down there for the reading. The table that was setup for Triad was a good place to work with the cards. It all started out well as I used the Trinity spread. It was not until the third an final card that I became worried. It was a warning of sorts. At least from the way I was interpreting the meanings. I am still learning after all. It called for vigilance. That some quest ahead would be dangerous for him. I hoped the warning was not needed. But I asked Nate to promise me he would be careful an ask for my help if he needed it.

I was busy most of the next day with work of my own. Well most of the day. I might have set outside of the yard hiding behind the fence later that evening. Aimee and Oni were in the yard. As was Tara who had just gotten back home from helping her family with the harvest. I was sort of snooping, still curious what was going on with Oni an not wanting to outright confront him. Eventually Nate arrived an nearly gave away my position. Thankfully though Oni left with Aimee and Quarcy to head to Ishgard. They were off to investigate some leads.

I joined Chee for a short while before the mid-week mission. We did a little catching up on the things that had been happening in our lives. We enjoyed some drinks for a Lady’s Night at the Last Bell. Sadly too soon I had to say goodnight to Chee. Rhisi had given us the call to begin heading to the house for the mission.

Our next mission was back out in Southern Thanalan again. Nate joined us as a guest. Apparently there were more shepherds then the one we helped. We were looking for something to help remove petrification. Hopefully it would be something more effective then Dusk an my attempt before. That was a bit too much for two people to have to do repeatedly. We found something worth trying an took it back to the two groups, one of shepherds an one of sheep. I still do not understand why these silly shepherds even decided it was a good idea to try an do what they do in Southern Thanalan of all places.

My mind was on anything but the mission of course. Between Oni’s behavior and the reading I did for Nate. I felt like I was ready to jump at every shadow. I was worried something could happen. Worried out reaper friend would choose to attack again. I excused myself early from the half of the team I was working with. My mind was just not focused. I returned to the house.

Raiden was there. As well as Rhisi, Konner, and a guest. I hated asked Raiden for a moment of his time with a guest present but I really needed to at least get something off my mind. I asked him an we went to my room to speak privately. Of course he had to bring a cake with him which he decided to snack on.

I finally asked Raiden to tell me what I did to Oni. I -needed- to know. It was driving me mad. Apparently Oni thought I no longer wished to be his friend based on my behavior towards him. I was… Mad. Confused. Frustrated. Never once did I want to hate Oni. Oni is… different and frustrating. But I could never really hate him. Even if he says things he did not clearly mean. I assumed his words meant one thing when they meant something else. To be honest his words were not exactly clear either. Raiden does not think we need to apologize to each other though. I guess I need to work on my people skills…

Though I did steal a slice of that cake from Raiden’s hand towards the end of our conversation. I could no longer resist the temptation he was holding. Of course then I made a comment that he probably enjoyed me making Oni into a mummy. Which lead to him making a comment of … No I am not writing those words. I thought for sure I might melt alone hearing that comment. I bid him goodnight an pushed him towards the door before he could add more comments of that type.

I was late coming home the next night. I had a bit of work to do. I arrived to quite the mess. Chocolate spatters, shirtless men, and a partially damaged cake dragon. Apparently it was Raiden’s nameday. An I did not know so I did not have a gift for him.

Somehow the conversation lead to my lost bet to Felix. Great. Now Raiden knows. Let the endless harassment begin. Eventually a guest arrived. She commented on Raiden and I. It is not a courtship ritual! Raiden and I are not like that… I don’t think we are… I think he just enjoys leaving me flustered and blushing. Then Raiden just had to lean in an add something to me privately. Twelve save me… He made the comment from the night before worse… I wished I could just disappear.

I used the chance of Raiden being distracted by Anais to disappear up the stairs. I needed a drink. Badly. Nate was up there at the bar an I had almost totally missed the fact he was there because of the addled state I was in. We spoke for a bit. He finally opened up to me a bit. I was happy to listen, to understand him better. We’ve both lost people. We both don’t want to lose anyone else. I think together we can make sure not to let that happen. Not alone. That is one of the things I always hear repeated among those of this company. Not Alone. None of us here are ever truly alone. Not as long as we have each other.

Not alone. It’s been a long time since I could ever truly appreciate those words. Being here.. Among those of the Order… It’s been a much needed balm. My friends of ‘The Outsiders’ gave me purpose an the needed push to keep moving forward. The Order has given me what I’ve long needed to begin to truly heal. I wanted to hold Nate’s hand an never let go. He has become such a precious friend to me. Just as the rest of the Order. I won’t let anything happen. Not to any of them. No matter how frustrating and confusing they can be at times. They are my family.

Anyways! Our mission last evening took us back out to Southern Thanalan again. More dealings with the shepherds and looking for answers on what was going on. Apparently the golems were not behaving properly over towards Qarn. Half the team went to check with the nearby beast tribe. I was with the other half dealing with the golems. We gathered up golem cores to try an figure out what was going on with them when Dusk’s attempt to reason with them went unheeded. I brought samples with us back to the house. The aether of the area was too turbulent to be able to figure anything out from there. But it sounds like we will soon be making a trip down into Qarn.

Journal Entry 27 - Destiney

Dinner was a rather quiet affair this week. Well other then Nathaniel stopped by. I was glad to have him to speak with. I checked on his well being out of concern since I did remember he had suffered a failed hunt the week before. He insisted he was fine. I hope he is. I… I don’t know what I would do if something happened. I don’t want to lose his friendship so soon.

Oni arrived while I was talking to Nate. I could feel his stare. I asked him if there was something wrong. Making sure to address him properly with a ‘Sir’ as well. He said it was nothing before whispering something over his shoulder to Raiden. I wanted to ask what he was whispering about but I did not. I let things go at that. I think Nate noticed the tension I held towards Oni. It is hard. Trying not to relax back into the way things were around Oni. I’m not ready to forgive him this easily. Though at the same time I’m not -as- angry as I was. More so… Disappointed.

Speaking of Oni… I still have not been able to catch Leera to check on his well being either. I’m worried but I am not about to try going over to the Castrum just to check on someone like Leera. It’s been a week though…

The mid-week mission was rather tame. We built fencing for that Shepherd from the week before. No sign of our ‘friend’. I helped C’lest with bringing wood over for the others to build with. I guess it is a good thing I still regularly practice with my bow. Keeps me better fit then just casting spells would ever do. Definitely helped with carrying wood over that distance. Nothing of real importance occurred though. No attacks. Just a simple night.

Though… Our mission at the end of the week was far worse. The cards predicted a rough night for us. Well they predicted us encountering our familiar foe again. An they were right. The night was filled with attacks by our foe.

Things seemed to be starting off simple enough. We had to take care of the Peiste problem near the area where the Shepherd was. That was when we encountered a group of people who had been petrified. I did my best to try an halt the progress though I was unable to reverse it on my own. Dusk preformed some kind of strange magic using blood before having me try again. Thankfully whatever Dusk did helped. The people should have come around a few hours later. However we did not have a chance to linger. We cleared the area of Peistes before heading north.

A blast above us rained rocks down at us. I threw up a shield hoping to hold off the worst of the rubble. Thankfully the biggest of the rocks landed in front of us not on top of us. Blocking our path of course… We decided it would take too long to move or find another way. We would climb the rocks. Again I was thankful. I used to climb trees in the Shroud as a kid. This was not much more difficult. I just had to be relatively careful. I was also glad I had ditched the skirt in favor of something a bit more sensible for such tasks.

When we got over to the other side we encountered a new problem. Both Aras and Neiven managed to find landmines in the ground. Since Aras was more heavily geared then Neiven, I rushed to Neiven’s side first. Her legs were still intact but pretty hurt. I healed the worst of it an helped her to her feet. C’lest had chosen to carry Aras after she had done some fancy maneuvers with her fists an chakra to explode the rest of the landmines. We could not tarry here. It was not safe.

Chloe managed to find our reaper friend. We hurried to join her nearby. It looked like a small ravine separated us from the enemy. An somehow Dusk had managed to cross it without us noticing as we were being fired upon. I had thrown up a shield again though I did not have to hold it long before the enemy vanished as usual. Neiven helped to get C’lest to the other side so we could get Dusk back safely. I thought I heard a noise that reminded me of Oni’s cores. I could be mistaken though as I was hurrying over to check on Aras. She had finally regained conscience. She insisted she was fine. An someone learned the ground was not a ravine but a projection. There was never a gap between us and our enemy.

I was ordered back to the house with Aras and Dusk. The others would soon follow. I ordered both Dusk and Aras into the house so I could better check over them. Dusk passed out on the floor inside the house. I got Chloe and Aras to help me move her into her room where she could rest. I did not want to risk anything by healing her right then. Not when she had insisted I could not heal her hand because of the spell she had used on those people.

Once Dusk was safely in her room we headed back out to the main floor. I demanded Aras hold still an let me check her over. I thought I had glimpsed blood on her head when she had looked down at the leg she had stepped on the landmine with. Everything else might be fine but she had most definitely hit her head when the explosion had knocked her back. So I took care to heal it before then moving over to where C’lest was fussing over Neiven.

Neiven’s legs still needed further tending now that we were safely at the house again. I was feeling the strain of so much aether usage but I needed to do this. I finished what I had started out in the field. Quarcy had just arrived as I finished. I stood up an staggered a moment because I felt light-headed. Too much. I had once more pushed too hard. Though not nearly as hard as the week before. I really do need to work on strengthening myself.

It was just Quarcy an I for a moment. Chloe an Aras had gone off to drink. C’lest had gone somewhere with Neiven for the moment. I explained to Quarcy to events of the night that he had missed. An he did something I had never seen before. He asked for my hand. Out of curiosity I obliged him. He did some sort of transfer between us. It was an odd sensation but I felt better. Less drained then I had been moments before. Granted I was still physically tired from everything that had occurred. But now I was not also aetherically drained as well.

We discussed some theories on the enemy before C’lest returned. I let her give Quarcy her side of the events of the night. After all I had been distracted with healing a few times. Shortly after I excused myself for the night. I needed rest.

Other then that the days have been busy but uneventful. Nothing serious to note besides those few days.

Journal Entry 26 - Destiney

What a night. Total chaos is putting things nicely for that evening. The day after our mid-week mission that is. We had guests at the house. Tara and I dropped by after our work.

Tara and I had went about dealing with the tasks we had been assigned after my prank earlier in the week. Tara doesn’t like the conjurer’s guild. Or rather they don’t seem to like her. But my presence with her seemed to keep things to just dirty looks. After all my mother had once studied there an some of them know who I am because of that connection. Well probably also the fact I knew a few of them from injuries I needed treated as a child when my mother wasn’t home.

There was a rather colorful young lady visiting the house. Her name is Naho. I wasn’t paying much attention to our guest at first. I was sort of tired from all the work I had done already. So I was mostly content to linger beside Tara over towards the back.

Oni and Aimee came out of the back from the direction of the personal rooms. I still wanted nothing to do with either of them. But Oni stopped before us, holding out two small satchels for Tara and myself. I was still treating him as an officer as I asked what he wanted from us this time. Apparently they were chocolates. Made by Raiden. As a thank you… I couldn’t resist the idea of chocolates being given to me by Raiden… Though I can’t see how they are thank you chocolates. Our work was meant to be a punishment. Maybe apology chocolates from Raiden cause of Oni? I can’t begin to guess. Still… They were chocolates.

I was just silently munching on those chocolates as I stood by Tara. Then Naho came over. She wanted a chocolate. I was torn between sharing an hording my prize. I finally gave in since she was a guest an offered her one. Instead of taking the one I was holding out… She took the one hanging out of my mouth. I was speechless to put it mildly. Tara of course was amused by my predicament.

Naho then wandered off for a moment or two before coming back over. I tried my best to be nice. I was flustered though from that moment earlier. Not angry though. More of shocked an surprised. The moment was interrupted when someone mentioned the coffin in the storage room. Everyone headed in there. I figured it was best if I went in as well. Just in case someone caused something bad to happen.

It was chaos. Utter chaos. Tara dragged me from the room. Others abandoned the room too as C’lest and Neiven cornered poor Quarcy. Something about butt biting vampires. I was glad to miss whatever occurred next. I chose a spot outside of the rooms to sit down an quietly finish my chocolates. Well until Naho came out of the storage room an plopped down in my lap an made herself comfortable.

The girl was every inch confusing. An curious. Well I think it was the name she called out in her sleep before grabbing my hand. The tears left behind before she woke up an ran off. I guess a part of me was curious what caused that sort of suffering. As well as part of me knew that feeling. A longing for someone. Maybe I will seek her out an at least check on her well-being.

Tara an I went upstairs an got into Kagato’s stash of rum. We both needed some after our day. I needed something stronger then the wine.

The next day was another mission. We headed out to Southern Thanalan. Something about some shepherd needing help. Something about the whole thing seemed fishy to me. I can not recall any shepherds in Southern Thanalan before. There is not much in the way of vegetation out there. I was fully prepared to be facing our reaper friend again. Though I was also just slightly hung over too…

There was a strong dust storm as we reached past the gates from Central Thanalan. An Cactuars… Who were trying to make us into pin cushions. We ducked for cover as quickly as we were able. Many of us ducked into one of the gate’s towers. Chloe had some grenades of some sort she used to clear us a path to get out.

We ran down the road to try an get away. However there were more cactuars. An very little covering. I threw up a shield to try an protect us from the worst of the needles. I can’t remember who, but once more the path was cleared an we made a break for it. We reached our destination finally. I took a moment to catch my breath as Rhisi talked with the Shepherd.

We moved to deal with some local peistes who were bothering the area. An found one possible cause that kept drawing those creatures to the area. But before we could do anything to deal with the problem we were attacked. Some strange man in the strangest of outfits with a mask over his head. He sent more cactuars to attack us. Aimee, Tara, and myself threw up shields to protect the group from harm. So much shield usage was making my headache I started with so much worse.

I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have used that skill with the way I was feeling. I resorted to Dissipation. Daisy added her powers to mine to keep the shield going strong. My normal soft blue aether changing to a beautiful shade of turquoise as Daisy vanished in sparkles as her power became mine for a short while. My head was throbbing badly after that. Then Dusk added onto the aether I was already using for the shield. I felt like I might be sick. Too much aether… Of course it did not help any when Felix stood behind me an basically used my shoulder to line up his shot at the enemy…

I collapsed after the enemy vanished an the attacks halted. I was glad it ended when it did. I was afraid I might pass out if I had to hold that shield much longer. I was only vaguely aware of anything after that. Dusk had helped me to my feet an onto Jazz’s back, Tara’s chocobo. I don’t think I could have made it back to the house on my own. Between the throbbing of my head an so much aether usage to the point of nearly being sick…

Back at the house I picked a spot to sit on the floor against the railing of the stairs leading down. Tara plopped down beside me an we just sat there for a while, both exhausted. Rhisi eventually arrived back at the house an brought the two of us some bubble chocolate. C’lest had been kind enough to bring us some water an cool towels. I was thankful for their care. I don’t think I could have moved if I wanted to.

I was feeling slightly better the next day. Well enough to meet Felix for our drinking date out in Coerthas anyways. I just figured I would take it easy on the drink since I was still fairly drained. We got to talking an eventually I made a bet with Felix. So we left the tavern an went to my house in the Goblet. I bet him I was a better shot then he was. I guess I shouldn’t make bets when I’ve had two glasses of wine.

It took me two shots to hit the wooden sword on the dummy in the yard. It took him one… Damn him. The bet was if I won he would let me do his next check up. If he won… Damn it… I have to wear that Thavnarian dress for a week… My cheeks are burning just thinking about it. Thankfully he didn’t mention what week I have to wear it. Hopefully I can find a week where I won’t have to see Raiden much. I’ll never hear the end of it. Hopefully it is a week I won’t have to see Nathaniel or Leera either. I have never worn that outfit since the night Leon made me.

Yesterday I went to join the others at the Mist near Oni’s house. I mostly kept to myself though. I was still trying to regain my energy. I really shouldn’t have relied on Daisy like that. It is so very draining because I am still not strong enough. I guess I really do need to practice an make my aether stronger. Not that I plan to let Oni know he won in that regard.

Quarcy came to talk to me for a short while. He had managed to find a nice prize. A scholar soulstone of his own. He was asking questions on how it might be possible to awake then fairy slumbering within. I gave him my opinion an told him what I knew from working with Daisy even though I had never had to awaken her from the state like the one he had found. Mine had been passed to me by my Uncle. After Quarcy left I mostly sat there an half listened to other conversations going on around me.

I thought I heard Felix mentioning something about shooting Leera… I was only half paying attention though. Maybe I misheard him. I will have to check into it personally. Not that I think one shot would be enough to put any of the subjects down so easily. Still… I was concerned for Leera. Though I probably shouldn’t be.

Eventually I dozed off for a time before heading home to actually find my bed. I was apparently still more tired then I thought.

Journal Entry 25 - Destiney

Rhisi and I ventured out to the Shroud for a bit the next day. Thankfully I wasn’t too hung over from the wine the night before. She had planned something that she hoped would help me deal with my problems. A ritual of sorts.

Towards the end of the ritual she had me burn a black mask. One that looked like one my father would wear if it was not for its dark coloring. All that remained in that bowl at the end was a green gemstone. A reminder an good luck charm. That even when things look dark I have people who are my support. Things that I treasure above the pain an suffering of those old memories. To let the waters wash away the pain an rely on the things and people I call my support. To let go of the burdens I’ve held onto for so long.

The green of that stone… It reminded me of Leon. An of the forests of the Shroud. An truth be told… My heart was feeling a bit lighter by the end of the ritual. I would not say I am no longer broken. But… Maybe I am finally on the right path again. I think without Leon I got lost again. I was half way there an then he passed. I may have this gemstone made into a piece of jewelry. Something I can always wear. I just need to figure out how to work green into my clothing.

I joined the others at the end of week gather at Bronze Lake. Nate was already there when I arrived. I was glad to see him once more after life’s demands had kept him from visiting for a time. I had decided to go sit with him in the water an catch up on what had happened in our lives lately. But Kagato then showed up.

I was both shocked and surprised. I had not expected to see Kagato again for a bit of time. I promised Nate I would join him shortly. I needed to check on Kagato. I was still worried for how wounded he had been when he left that night. The healing had not been complete. He assured me he was fine an would let me know if he needed my attention. Told me he had left Luna with someone he knows who might be able to help her. I was relieved an left him to join Nate in the water.

I was glad when Quarcy cornered Kagato an insisted the pirate let him exam the wounds an change the bandages. Thank goodness for small favors. I couldn’t help but glance over from time to time as I talked with Nate. I was still worried for Kagato’s well being. I was still fairly drained from our work on the last mission. One day and a half had not been enough to fully recover this time. The waters at Bronze Lake and talking with Nate though helped me to relax an start feeling better.

I was disappointed when Nate had to depart for the evening. But it gave me a chance to really check on Kagato. I went over as Tara was giving him hell about drinking with as injured as he was. I also agreed that he should cut back while healing. He stalked off, mad at the both of us. I followed after him an sat down beside him. I put a gentle hand on his back an used what little magic I had recovered to at least ease his pain I’m sure he was in still.

Kagato talked to me. Told me why he drinks. I listened this time unlike the story he had told about why he is not welcome in Gridania. I had no distractions this time. I finally got him to agree to at least cutback while he recovered. I didn’t bother asking him to stop. It’s not my business. I just wanted him to recover as quickly as he could. We still have that reaper to deal with an I’m sure Kagato wants to pay him back for the pain he has caused. I’d feel safer having Kagato on that battlefield fully recovered.

I talked with Tara, Terra, and C’lest for a bit after Kagato left for the evening. I may have mentioned an old idea of wanting to turn Oni into a mummy with bandages.

An I may have done so. An not considered it to be the bad idea it was at the time. I thought it was funny. Did not consider I should probably wait until Oni was fully recovered. I made a mistake.

The day after the usual dinner night… I was pulled aside with Tara in Konner’s office. Aimee and Oni had choice words for my behavior. Tara was pulled into this all because she should have done something to help Oni instead of finding it funny. It was my fault! They should not have blamed her in any way! If I had not done it she would never have been involved. It is not fair that they punish her for MY mistakes. It was my choice! Rhisi was there as a mediator. We were both given tasks to do as punishment.

Oni… His words… When he told Tara he was an officer an did not want to be treated like her blood brother… I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scream. I did my best to keep my face blank but I was failing fast. I apologize and excused myself. I bolted to my room an threw a book across the room in my rage. I quickly changed my clothes into my archery clothes an put on my half-mask. I then sat down on the floor near the bath, holding the stuffed chocobo close. I still find myself reaching for that mask every time I feel so emotionally unstable. As if wearing it gives me the ability to better hide the pain an sorrow.

Rhisi eventually came by to check on me. I was near tears when she came. I tried my hardest not to break down. I just wanted to be left alone. I know she was trying to make me not feel so bad. So worthless. Why was it all I ever did never felt good enough or was a mistake… I know I am not Aimee. I have had barely over two years to learn what I do know as a healer but damn it all I am trying! I just… wanted the Order to feel like my family. I thought…

Heavens damn him! If he thinks he can just treat me like a healer snack… Or call my aether small an like unripe fruit… If he thinks he can just keep sending me mixed signals then to hell with him. At least Leera was honest even if he was an ass. I’d rather be Leera’s toy then keep trying to be friend’s with Oni an not be sure just how much I can actually be myself around him. If he thinks I’m going to continue training just for him to have a better snack he better think again. Halone have mercy on him if he thinks I’m going to just deal with this quietly.

After Rhisi left I was still feeling blue. I had no intentions of quitting because of this setback. I would have to find time around everything else to deal with this stupid list of tasks. I walked past whoever was downstairs in the house an headed up to the bar. I needed a drink. I did not care what kind of guests we had. Though I was surprised to find Nate upstairs at the bar. He joined me for drinks an picked some rum for us. I don’t usually drink rum but for this night I would. I finally took off that mask as I made conversation with Nate.

Apparently Oni was listening to our conversation from downstairs. Stupid jerk. He had wandered upstairs to get something from the bar an stopped to see if we would join everyone downstairs. I felt an icy rage. I did my best to keep my face calm an without a drop of the pain I felt towards Oni. If he wants to be treated like an officer… Then I will damn well treat him like one.

I remained upstairs with Nate. He was fine with us staying up here away from everyone else. I think he did it because he knew how upset I was. Because he knew I did not wish to join the others this night. Eventually we had to go downstairs though. That was the only way to reach the guest rooms since Nate was staying the night at the house. I had to lean on him for support. I was too unsteady on my own feet to make it safely without aid. This is why I usually stick to wine.

It wasn’t until I was alone in my room that I collapsed on the bed an groaned. I had hugged Nate. Being so close to him… I realized how much he looked like Leon. The same skin tone, the same hair color, and green eyes. Nate is no duskwight. Not even an elezen. But those similarities… Curse it all. My heart was a mess already without the alcohol an that realization. I was unable to sleep for a time. All I kept seeing was Leon or Nate’s eyes when I closed my own.

I managed to make it in time for a small mission last night. We went out gathering up fragments of the bombs that had exploded last mission. We were hoping to find something useful. I was still feeling… Moody after the night before. Thankfully I did not have to deal with Oni or Aimee.

We returned to the house with a bag of parts. Rhisi told me I was to get with Quarcy an do some research on technology. Whoever our Reaper friend is, their magitek is modified. It’s beyond the usual scope of Garlean tech. Thankfully Quarcy was at the house when I got there so that saved me the effort of tracking him down. I already have enough work before Rhisi added on with this research.

Quarcy and I discussed possibilities and theories. We even went over everything we knew already from all our missions. I filled in a few from before we met Quarcy. Apparently he thinks whoever our enemy is that they are using ancient magic. Something from the time of Mhach. I forget the word he used but he called it a geass as well. The enemy using the wildlife creatures… It is because they are low intelligent creatures. Controlling them with aether like he has is easier because of their low intelligence in comparison to using people.

Eventually as the night got late our conversation got diverted. We sat down with our backs against the railing of the stairs leading down. We talked of Ishgard and family. Apparently Quarcy had an old injury to the head he had never had looked at from a long time ago. Makes it hard for him to sleep. I told him he should let me check him sometime, see if there is anything I can do. Apparently he even knew my brother when he was studying in Ul’dah at the guild. Well they weren’t friends but he had still met him.

Quarcy took me a bit by surprise when he rested his head against my shoulder. I put a gentle hand on his head an let my magic try to ease the headache he had mentioned. We talked for just a bit longer. He asked if I saw him as a brother. I was caught off guard by that question. After the way the night before had gone… I still look at the Order as a sort of family. Dysfunctional but still family. So while I had never really stopped to consider if I considered Quarcy like a brother… I guess a part of me did. Eventually Quarcy managed to fall asleep there with his head resting against me. I was tired as well. I remembered our early few days of getting to know each other. That brief hug he had given me to comfort me that night in my room. I managed to doze off for a time beside him, a small smile on my face. I think sometime while we slept Daisy had plopped down in my lap to join us. I’m sure if anyone had passed us by it would have been a rather cute scene.

Journal Entry 24 - Destiney

This week… I just want to forget it all. I want to wipe it all away an begin again. I want to wash it all away like a bad memory. I feel as if I have taken steps backwards instead of forwards… I feel… I’m not sure what I feel right now other then completely lost…

Our mission at the middle of the week led us out to Northern Thanalan. Of course just that information made me nervous. I was almost tempted to refuse to go but I was the only healer present. I steeled myself instead an went with the team. I thought maybe I would get lucky an we would not have to set foot anywhere near the Castrum…

Oh how wrong I was… Every step closer to that place was painful. Not physically but emotionally. My steps faltered a moment as we went north from the Ceruleum Processing Plant. Every step closer to that Castrum and the Imperials lurking there… It did not matter that it was not Occidens. I have not set foot near a Castrum since my incident those years ago.

I thought I would get off lightly when we found our one target shortly before crossing completely into Imperial territory. I was still holding up decently though I was very much on edge. Even though every fiber of my being wanted to quit that place as fast as possible. Then we had to move further north for the second target…

Tara came under attack from Imperial soldiers as we were near the back of the group. Everything in me screamed to run. My hands were shaking so badly. I could barely cast spells as I helped her fend off the Imperials. So many images flashing through my mind… So many bad memories… So much pain…

I heard Rhisi calling for us. Calling for me to help. I was the only healer on duty an they had found the other target. I wanted nothing more then to sit down where I was standing an refuse to move. I wanted nothing more then to scream an cry… I forced myself to move. I forced myself not to have a breakdown. I focused on the fact that my friends… My family… Needed me… I needed to go to them. We managed to kill the second target. I finally collapsed to my knees, my strength finally giving in. Kagato went over to harass some nearby Imperials an I wanted to scream. The memories behind my closed eyes…

I fled back to the house at that point. I disappeared before anyone could say anything, running up the stairs to the second floor. I sat down on the floor by the fire an wrapped my arms around my knees. Dusk managed to find me. She didn’t push me for what was wrong. Merely offered her ear to listen if I needed it. I was not… In a state of mind for talking right that moment so she left me alone.

Eventually I managed to pull myself together enough to walk back downstairs. I could hear Oni and Tara talking but I don’t think I was really focusing on much of anything at that point. They called me over an I took a seat on the floor, trying not to look at either of them. Wanting to hide that pain I am sure was in my eyes… Wishing I had my mask to hide behind. But they got me to open up some. I admitted I was not okay. I admitted being that close to a castrum after what happened… After my near death… I was shaken.

Oni excused himself an left me alone with Tara. I moved over to sit beside her an check on her injuries as we talked. I feel like Tara is the sister I never had. I feel so comfortable around her. An I felt like I had failed her, letting her get hurt because I was barely functioning. She did not blame me. She thought it took a lot of strength just to remain there, doing the best I could without running away from what haunted me. I felt less shaken after speaking with her but I was still far from alright. So I sought out Rhisi. Maybe now was a good time to ask her how to get past all this. To find my way to move on.

Rhisi listened as I told her I wanted to be done hurting. I wanted to be done being so damaged. I do not want another night like that night. I did not want to have another moment where I could barely respond to the people I’ve come to care about so deeply. I wanted to move past this but I did not know how. Rhisi said we would get together before the end of week gathering to deal with my turmoil. Over three years later… I want to heal…

I took the next day off. I was feeling better then the night before but I was far from recovered.

Our mission last night… Was another blow to my already tattered emotional state. I was still feeling a bit of the strain from the last mission night. I was better but not fully. I listened mostly in silence as everyone else spoke. I had done another card reading before our mission. It showed a difficult night ahead for us. At least I had hoped not. I had hoped that maybe my emotional state had made the reading faulty.

The hornets in Central Thanalan were riled up, stinging travelers towards the gates leading to Southern Thanalan. I was sent with Tara and Dusk to find the nest. However I was stung only a few minutes into our trek an was forced to return to Aimee and Rhisi. The venom of these hornets was worse then normal. I feared maybe our ‘friend’ in the magitek reaper was involved again somehow.

I listened in silence as they spoke of the best way to deal with the nest. Quarcy had given me a salve for my sting. I was not affected as badly as some of the others. It helps being a healer. I was just not with it though to be of more help to Aimee and Rhisi with the others as they came back with stings.

We eventually froze the nest an captured the queen. We hurried to take her over towards Cutters Cry to release her away from areas that were commonly traveled by people. As we were releasing her, the reaper appeared to attack us.

He sent some kind of small exploding robots to deal with us as he vanished yet again. Oni took some bad damage to one of his legs after stomping on one of them. We were forced to flee. Aimee took Oni and Felix back to the house. I think Chloe followed to help tend to Oni. Kagato was trying to hold off the other machines as Rhisi gave us the order to get out of there. I ended up at Black Brush with Tara, Dusk, and Quarcy. I’m not sure where Rhisi disappeared to. An I was worried for Kagato. The other machines had sounded ready to explode as we had been sent away.

The explosion was loud enough to be heard from Black Brush. Tara and Dusk both seemed exhausted. Kagato was not responding over the linkpearl. Quarcy and I both hurried to try an find him. We were the only two available. I managed to find Kagato, still alive though badly hurt. I wanted to smack him so very badly for being so brave and stupid at the same time. I was glad he was aware enough to respond as Quarcy an I tried to decide the best options to deal with his injuries. We ended up taking him back to the house before we risked being attacked again.

We got Kagato into the medical ward. There was so much shrapnel in his back from the explosion. Quarcy and I worked together to try an remove it. I tried to ease his pain an close the wounds as Quarcy pulled out shrapnel. Eventually Quarcy had the idea to use Garuda Egi to help with removing it. It was a faster approach to dealing with as many pieces as we had to. At one point I had to force him to lie still because he wanted to go look for Luna in his condition. I had noticed blood on Kagato’s hat when it shifted after I pushed him back down against the bed but my hands were occupied with tending to his wounds on his back. I was also afraid to look… I remembered Luna hiding under his hat early on in the evening. Luna…

I finally took the hat from his head after we finished removing the shrapnel… I found Luna… I wanted to cry… A piece of shrapnel from the explosion had hit the tiny succubus in the chest. I did not know how to help her or even if I could. I did finally begin to cry silently as Kagato took her from my hands. I wanted to stop him as he made to leave. My heart was just not in it… He was hurting both physically and emotionally. All I could do was ask him to be careful an let us know if there was anything we could do to help. I sat there numbly on the floor after Kagato left. I could hear Quarcy and Aras speaking but I can’t remember the words. I was in shock I think besides feeling so very drained.

I managed to make it back to my room. I haven’t set foot outside of this room since. I have no plans of joining the world today… I have a bottle of wine an books. I plan to stay here as long as I can. Unless there is an emergency… I think I want to forget the world even exists. I need this time to myself. I need to be alone. Luna… I wish there was something I could have done… Someway I could have helped more… I feel like I wasn’t able to do enough…

Journal Entry 23 - Destiney

The last mission was… Not really much of a success.

The gardens outside of Ul’dah were experiencing crops disappearing. So we went out to look into their problem. We fully expected our ‘friend’ in the magitek to come after us at some point.

We split up into two teams. I was with Oni, Felix, Chloe, and Rhisi. We followed the tracks towards the end of the line. We found a bunch of shrews pushing the missing crops towards crates. Shrews are not that intelligent of creatures. We knew someone had to be behind this. We followed what appeared to be an aether trail. Which led us towards where the other half of the group was.

Chloe wondered if the tunnels or caves beneath us might be where that trail really led instead. But we never got a chance to find out. That damn Magitek rider was attacking a nearby camp. We hurried to respond, putting out the fires and pulling survivors out to safety where we could tend to their wounds. Once things were better under control a few of our team went to try an find that Magitek but it and the crops were gone without a trace.

I was busy with things of my own the next day. I had my own house to worry about an some freelance work I had been putting off. So I did not see anyone from the Order that day. An there was nothing particularly of note worth mentioning that day either. Just being healer for a few groups of freelancers on odd jobs.

I stopped by the Order house yesterday after running some errands. I felt like I was being watched as I paused near the fence. Well I was being watched. By Oni. An he was in one of those moods again. The kind of mood that sends a shiver down my spine. Well it did not help when he spoke that I may have shrieked just a bit an definitely jumped. I was not expecting him to be perched high upon the stone fence above my line of sight.

He said I had not been training. I told him I had been busy an had had no time to speak with Aimee let alone do some kind of training. He started calling my aether small an compared it to unripe fruit. An talked of going to nibble on Quarcy’s aether. Now… I was not making it sound like I wanted to be Oni’s snack… But I found his words insulting.

Felix came by during our conversation. I was so focused upon Oni that he startled me. Yes… I jumped again… He did not stay too long though before he decided to head inside an get something to drink.

Oni asked me if I knew what my aether looked like. I of course answered. Shades of blue. Soft shades. Like the color of ice or the sky. An then he mentioned I should be able to show him something if my aether was not small. I’ve never attempted to do anything with aether other then healing before. As it is I have only been a healer for about two years. So I am still doing the best I can. I was determined to prove myself to Oni. I’m not sure why. It just bothered me so much that I felt inferior. Like I was not good enough. He never said those words but… I still felt like he might as well have said them.

I managed to form a small blue ball of aether in the palms of my hands. I was happy. I was not sure if I could do it. My Uncle had never mentioned using aether in this fashion. Of course then I had a rather wicked idea in my head. I may not have had a book to chuck at Oni’s head but now I had this ball of aether. He had been so darn annoying that I threw that ball at him instead. I hoped it would hold together an not break apart before hitting him. If he wanted me to train… I would make him target practice. Unfortunately he caught the ball. Fortunately it had held together surprisingly well. I’m pretty sure when he disappeared from sight it was to eat that ball of aether… Next time I will make it a sneak attack.

I managed to find him sitting up on the awning near the door. Of course I seem to be very jumpy lately cause he did spook me again. We were talking an Aimee arrived back to the house. It was around there that our talk began heading towards soul stones. Well first Oni asked if he could eat Daisy… I was not letting him attempt eating my fairy… I have no idea if that would affect the way I summon her or if doing so would end her existence. Something I would simply rather not take a chance upon. That was when we started discussing the subjects and soul stones. It was… Interesting to hear about once I learned they only eat the aether of the stones an not the stones themselves. So anything placed within is still safe. It just needs… A sort of jump start with fresh aether.

Eventually Oni decided he was hungry an wanted to go hunt. I had things to work on anyways. So I went into the house an to my room. I worked on my studies for a bit before I laid down on the couch with a recent novel I had picked up. I managed to fall asleep reading an totally miss the beach gathering.

The dream I had last night… Was both pleasant and a nightmare. Thankfully it was not the usual nightmare that sometimes likes to haunt my dreams. I think that talk with Oni plus falling asleep reading that novel had been a bad pairing. I dreamed of Leon…

I dreamed of soul stones and Leon. Of subjects with sharp teeth like Leera. Glowing eyes and evil smiles. Monsters made of aether. An Leon’s warming embrace as he drove away the darkness. I finally awoke an dove for the stones where I had left them on the table. I clasped that green stone to my chest as tears silently fell down my cheeks.

What if some part of Leon was still with the stone he left me as he died? What would happen if his stone ever fall into Garlean hands like those used in the experiments? Would he be like the Others who were devoured by the subjects? Or could he end up like Oni and Raiden? It was so hard to imagine… So hard to think that there was a chance this was what Leon had meant by death was not the end… Hard to picture losing any last shred of Leon if this stone were to end up like the ones Oni had described… Assuming there was even any part of him in this stone.

I’ve barely ever made use of the stone he left behind with me. I still occasionally privately use his old harp for my own comfort. I had never considered there may be more to these stones then a bunch of old memories. I sought help from those cards I had been trying to get used to. However they were unhelpful. The answers were confusing an unclear. Just like my thoughts. Maybe my own confusion was not helping any. I eventually gave up an went to bed again once I was able to calm down enough.

Today is another day. Hopefully some work will help to clear my head an heart.