Our mission at the middle of the week led us out to Northern Thanalan. Of course just that information made me nervous. I was almost tempted to refuse to go but I was the only healer present. I steeled myself instead an went with the team. I thought maybe I would get lucky an we would not have to set foot anywhere near the Castrum…
Oh how wrong I was… Every step closer to that place was painful. Not physically but emotionally. My steps faltered a moment as we went north from the Ceruleum Processing Plant. Every step closer to that Castrum and the Imperials lurking there… It did not matter that it was not Occidens. I have not set foot near a Castrum since my incident those years ago.
I thought I would get off lightly when we found our one target shortly before crossing completely into Imperial territory. I was still holding up decently though I was very much on edge. Even though every fiber of my being wanted to quit that place as fast as possible. Then we had to move further north for the second target…
Tara came under attack from Imperial soldiers as we were near the back of the group. Everything in me screamed to run. My hands were shaking so badly. I could barely cast spells as I helped her fend off the Imperials. So many images flashing through my mind… So many bad memories… So much pain…
I heard Rhisi calling for us. Calling for me to help. I was the only healer on duty an they had found the other target. I wanted nothing more then to sit down where I was standing an refuse to move. I wanted nothing more then to scream an cry… I forced myself to move. I forced myself not to have a breakdown. I focused on the fact that my friends… My family… Needed me… I needed to go to them. We managed to kill the second target. I finally collapsed to my knees, my strength finally giving in. Kagato went over to harass some nearby Imperials an I wanted to scream. The memories behind my closed eyes…
I fled back to the house at that point. I disappeared before anyone could say anything, running up the stairs to the second floor. I sat down on the floor by the fire an wrapped my arms around my knees. Dusk managed to find me. She didn’t push me for what was wrong. Merely offered her ear to listen if I needed it. I was not… In a state of mind for talking right that moment so she left me alone.
Eventually I managed to pull myself together enough to walk back downstairs. I could hear Oni and Tara talking but I don’t think I was really focusing on much of anything at that point. They called me over an I took a seat on the floor, trying not to look at either of them. Wanting to hide that pain I am sure was in my eyes… Wishing I had my mask to hide behind. But they got me to open up some. I admitted I was not okay. I admitted being that close to a castrum after what happened… After my near death… I was shaken.
Oni excused himself an left me alone with Tara. I moved over to sit beside her an check on her injuries as we talked. I feel like Tara is the sister I never had. I feel so comfortable around her. An I felt like I had failed her, letting her get hurt because I was barely functioning. She did not blame me. She thought it took a lot of strength just to remain there, doing the best I could without running away from what haunted me. I felt less shaken after speaking with her but I was still far from alright. So I sought out Rhisi. Maybe now was a good time to ask her how to get past all this. To find my way to move on.
Rhisi listened as I told her I wanted to be done hurting. I wanted to be done being so damaged. I do not want another night like that night. I did not want to have another moment where I could barely respond to the people I’ve come to care about so deeply. I wanted to move past this but I did not know how. Rhisi said we would get together before the end of week gathering to deal with my turmoil. Over three years later… I want to heal…
I took the next day off. I was feeling better then the night before but I was far from recovered.
Our mission last night… Was another blow to my already tattered emotional state. I was still feeling a bit of the strain from the last mission night. I was better but not fully. I listened mostly in silence as everyone else spoke. I had done another card reading before our mission. It showed a difficult night ahead for us. At least I had hoped not. I had hoped that maybe my emotional state had made the reading faulty.
The hornets in Central Thanalan were riled up, stinging travelers towards the gates leading to Southern Thanalan. I was sent with Tara and Dusk to find the nest. However I was stung only a few minutes into our trek an was forced to return to Aimee and Rhisi. The venom of these hornets was worse then normal. I feared maybe our ‘friend’ in the magitek reaper was involved again somehow.
I listened in silence as they spoke of the best way to deal with the nest. Quarcy had given me a salve for my sting. I was not affected as badly as some of the others. It helps being a healer. I was just not with it though to be of more help to Aimee and Rhisi with the others as they came back with stings.
We eventually froze the nest an captured the queen. We hurried to take her over towards Cutters Cry to release her away from areas that were commonly traveled by people. As we were releasing her, the reaper appeared to attack us.
He sent some kind of small exploding robots to deal with us as he vanished yet again. Oni took some bad damage to one of his legs after stomping on one of them. We were forced to flee. Aimee took Oni and Felix back to the house. I think Chloe followed to help tend to Oni. Kagato was trying to hold off the other machines as Rhisi gave us the order to get out of there. I ended up at Black Brush with Tara, Dusk, and Quarcy. I’m not sure where Rhisi disappeared to. An I was worried for Kagato. The other machines had sounded ready to explode as we had been sent away.
The explosion was loud enough to be heard from Black Brush. Tara and Dusk both seemed exhausted. Kagato was not responding over the linkpearl. Quarcy and I both hurried to try an find him. We were the only two available. I managed to find Kagato, still alive though badly hurt. I wanted to smack him so very badly for being so brave and stupid at the same time. I was glad he was aware enough to respond as Quarcy an I tried to decide the best options to deal with his injuries. We ended up taking him back to the house before we risked being attacked again.
We got Kagato into the medical ward. There was so much shrapnel in his back from the explosion. Quarcy and I worked together to try an remove it. I tried to ease his pain an close the wounds as Quarcy pulled out shrapnel. Eventually Quarcy had the idea to use Garuda Egi to help with removing it. It was a faster approach to dealing with as many pieces as we had to. At one point I had to force him to lie still because he wanted to go look for Luna in his condition. I had noticed blood on Kagato’s hat when it shifted after I pushed him back down against the bed but my hands were occupied with tending to his wounds on his back. I was also afraid to look… I remembered Luna hiding under his hat early on in the evening. Luna…
I finally took the hat from his head after we finished removing the shrapnel… I found Luna… I wanted to cry… A piece of shrapnel from the explosion had hit the tiny succubus in the chest. I did not know how to help her or even if I could. I did finally begin to cry silently as Kagato took her from my hands. I wanted to stop him as he made to leave. My heart was just not in it… He was hurting both physically and emotionally. All I could do was ask him to be careful an let us know if there was anything we could do to help. I sat there numbly on the floor after Kagato left. I could hear Quarcy and Aras speaking but I can’t remember the words. I was in shock I think besides feeling so very drained.
I managed to make it back to my room. I haven’t set foot outside of this room since. I have no plans of joining the world today… I have a bottle of wine an books. I plan to stay here as long as I can. Unless there is an emergency… I think I want to forget the world even exists. I need this time to myself. I need to be alone. Luna… I wish there was something I could have done… Someway I could have helped more… I feel like I wasn’t able to do enough…
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