Towards the end of the ritual she had me burn a black mask. One that looked like one my father would wear if it was not for its dark coloring. All that remained in that bowl at the end was a green gemstone. A reminder an good luck charm. That even when things look dark I have people who are my support. Things that I treasure above the pain an suffering of those old memories. To let the waters wash away the pain an rely on the things and people I call my support. To let go of the burdens I’ve held onto for so long.
The green of that stone… It reminded me of Leon. An of the forests of the Shroud. An truth be told… My heart was feeling a bit lighter by the end of the ritual. I would not say I am no longer broken. But… Maybe I am finally on the right path again. I think without Leon I got lost again. I was half way there an then he passed. I may have this gemstone made into a piece of jewelry. Something I can always wear. I just need to figure out how to work green into my clothing.
I joined the others at the end of week gather at Bronze Lake. Nate was already there when I arrived. I was glad to see him once more after life’s demands had kept him from visiting for a time. I had decided to go sit with him in the water an catch up on what had happened in our lives lately. But Kagato then showed up.
I was both shocked and surprised. I had not expected to see Kagato again for a bit of time. I promised Nate I would join him shortly. I needed to check on Kagato. I was still worried for how wounded he had been when he left that night. The healing had not been complete. He assured me he was fine an would let me know if he needed my attention. Told me he had left Luna with someone he knows who might be able to help her. I was relieved an left him to join Nate in the water.
I was glad when Quarcy cornered Kagato an insisted the pirate let him exam the wounds an change the bandages. Thank goodness for small favors. I couldn’t help but glance over from time to time as I talked with Nate. I was still worried for Kagato’s well being. I was still fairly drained from our work on the last mission. One day and a half had not been enough to fully recover this time. The waters at Bronze Lake and talking with Nate though helped me to relax an start feeling better.
I was disappointed when Nate had to depart for the evening. But it gave me a chance to really check on Kagato. I went over as Tara was giving him hell about drinking with as injured as he was. I also agreed that he should cut back while healing. He stalked off, mad at the both of us. I followed after him an sat down beside him. I put a gentle hand on his back an used what little magic I had recovered to at least ease his pain I’m sure he was in still.
Kagato talked to me. Told me why he drinks. I listened this time unlike the story he had told about why he is not welcome in Gridania. I had no distractions this time. I finally got him to agree to at least cutback while he recovered. I didn’t bother asking him to stop. It’s not my business. I just wanted him to recover as quickly as he could. We still have that reaper to deal with an I’m sure Kagato wants to pay him back for the pain he has caused. I’d feel safer having Kagato on that battlefield fully recovered.
I talked with Tara, Terra, and C’lest for a bit after Kagato left for the evening. I may have mentioned an old idea of wanting to turn Oni into a mummy with bandages.
An I may have done so. An not considered it to be the bad idea it was at the time. I thought it was funny. Did not consider I should probably wait until Oni was fully recovered. I made a mistake.
The day after the usual dinner night… I was pulled aside with Tara in Konner’s office. Aimee and Oni had choice words for my behavior. Tara was pulled into this all because she should have done something to help Oni instead of finding it funny. It was my fault! They should not have blamed her in any way! If I had not done it she would never have been involved. It is not fair that they punish her for MY mistakes. It was my choice! Rhisi was there as a mediator. We were both given tasks to do as punishment.
Oni… His words… When he told Tara he was an officer an did not want to be treated like her blood brother… I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scream. I did my best to keep my face blank but I was failing fast. I apologize and excused myself. I bolted to my room an threw a book across the room in my rage. I quickly changed my clothes into my archery clothes an put on my half-mask. I then sat down on the floor near the bath, holding the stuffed chocobo close. I still find myself reaching for that mask every time I feel so emotionally unstable. As if wearing it gives me the ability to better hide the pain an sorrow.
Rhisi eventually came by to check on me. I was near tears when she came. I tried my hardest not to break down. I just wanted to be left alone. I know she was trying to make me not feel so bad. So worthless. Why was it all I ever did never felt good enough or was a mistake… I know I am not Aimee. I have had barely over two years to learn what I do know as a healer but damn it all I am trying! I just… wanted the Order to feel like my family. I thought…
Heavens damn him! If he thinks he can just treat me like a healer snack… Or call my aether small an like unripe fruit… If he thinks he can just keep sending me mixed signals then to hell with him. At least Leera was honest even if he was an ass. I’d rather be Leera’s toy then keep trying to be friend’s with Oni an not be sure just how much I can actually be myself around him. If he thinks I’m going to continue training just for him to have a better snack he better think again. Halone have mercy on him if he thinks I’m going to just deal with this quietly.
After Rhisi left I was still feeling blue. I had no intentions of quitting because of this setback. I would have to find time around everything else to deal with this stupid list of tasks. I walked past whoever was downstairs in the house an headed up to the bar. I needed a drink. I did not care what kind of guests we had. Though I was surprised to find Nate upstairs at the bar. He joined me for drinks an picked some rum for us. I don’t usually drink rum but for this night I would. I finally took off that mask as I made conversation with Nate.
Apparently Oni was listening to our conversation from downstairs. Stupid jerk. He had wandered upstairs to get something from the bar an stopped to see if we would join everyone downstairs. I felt an icy rage. I did my best to keep my face calm an without a drop of the pain I felt towards Oni. If he wants to be treated like an officer… Then I will damn well treat him like one.
I remained upstairs with Nate. He was fine with us staying up here away from everyone else. I think he did it because he knew how upset I was. Because he knew I did not wish to join the others this night. Eventually we had to go downstairs though. That was the only way to reach the guest rooms since Nate was staying the night at the house. I had to lean on him for support. I was too unsteady on my own feet to make it safely without aid. This is why I usually stick to wine.
It wasn’t until I was alone in my room that I collapsed on the bed an groaned. I had hugged Nate. Being so close to him… I realized how much he looked like Leon. The same skin tone, the same hair color, and green eyes. Nate is no duskwight. Not even an elezen. But those similarities… Curse it all. My heart was a mess already without the alcohol an that realization. I was unable to sleep for a time. All I kept seeing was Leon or Nate’s eyes when I closed my own.
I managed to make it in time for a small mission last night. We went out gathering up fragments of the bombs that had exploded last mission. We were hoping to find something useful. I was still feeling… Moody after the night before. Thankfully I did not have to deal with Oni or Aimee.
We returned to the house with a bag of parts. Rhisi told me I was to get with Quarcy an do some research on technology. Whoever our Reaper friend is, their magitek is modified. It’s beyond the usual scope of Garlean tech. Thankfully Quarcy was at the house when I got there so that saved me the effort of tracking him down. I already have enough work before Rhisi added on with this research.
Quarcy and I discussed possibilities and theories. We even went over everything we knew already from all our missions. I filled in a few from before we met Quarcy. Apparently he thinks whoever our enemy is that they are using ancient magic. Something from the time of Mhach. I forget the word he used but he called it a geass as well. The enemy using the wildlife creatures… It is because they are low intelligent creatures. Controlling them with aether like he has is easier because of their low intelligence in comparison to using people.
Eventually as the night got late our conversation got diverted. We sat down with our backs against the railing of the stairs leading down. We talked of Ishgard and family. Apparently Quarcy had an old injury to the head he had never had looked at from a long time ago. Makes it hard for him to sleep. I told him he should let me check him sometime, see if there is anything I can do. Apparently he even knew my brother when he was studying in Ul’dah at the guild. Well they weren’t friends but he had still met him.
Quarcy took me a bit by surprise when he rested his head against my shoulder. I put a gentle hand on his head an let my magic try to ease the headache he had mentioned. We talked for just a bit longer. He asked if I saw him as a brother. I was caught off guard by that question. After the way the night before had gone… I still look at the Order as a sort of family. Dysfunctional but still family. So while I had never really stopped to consider if I considered Quarcy like a brother… I guess a part of me did. Eventually Quarcy managed to fall asleep there with his head resting against me. I was tired as well. I remembered our early few days of getting to know each other. That brief hug he had given me to comfort me that night in my room. I managed to doze off for a time beside him, a small smile on my face. I think sometime while we slept Daisy had plopped down in my lap to join us. I’m sure if anyone had passed us by it would have been a rather cute scene.
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