Lance claims he’s giving him false information though. That Lance just wants a chance to prove himself to me now. Since Dusk and Raiden seemed to think he’s not a danger to me… I’m giving him a chance. A chance to prove himself and the words he claims to be true. So we’ve spent some time getting to know each other. Just a little bit so far. Both of our lives are somewhat busy. So we just try to find time where we can.
There have been no recent missions. At least none that I know of. Life has been busy for many of us this past week. Work or family requiring attention from many. Myself included. Between visiting my mother and dealing with my cousin. An some work for the Flames and Gods’ Quiver.
I met Feterra… Apparently a friend of Nate’s who is staying with him… We had words the other night. Not exactly pleasant words. I do not know how much of the things she said I believe or want to accept with at least a grain of salt. She said Nate hates healers. That she can’t believe Nate would be friends with me. Unless we were ‘special’ friends. Just because Nate stayed on my couch in my room at the Order’s house when he was injured… Nothing has ever happened like that between us. I would never ask that of Nate. I would be afraid it would ruin what does exist between us if I even did. An I can see the pain when he mentions Granger.
I was… Angry. I think I kept my temper rather well despite the anger I was feeling towards her words and judgements of the bond between Nate and I. Thankfully Rhisi arrived an our conversation ended. I took a walk rather then continuing to let her goad me into further anger. It would not benefit anything for me to have remained. She did apologize to me later before I went to bed. I was no longer feeling well.
Oni had been the reason I had felt ill. He had come home with items from a recent hunt. All I could remember was the day I had found him hunting. The blood and sight I found… The thought still made me fearful to be around him. I have been avoiding him an staying away from him as much as possible since that day. At least until last night.
Rhisi had pulled me aside. She had mentioned the day before about asking me how I was doing with the cards. She did ask about the cards… But there was more to our discussion then just that. We also discussed Oni. I was asked if I had ever tried to ask the cards about Oni. I had. Twice now. Once a while back when I was last having problems with him. An then again last night. Each time the answer was the same. Incomplete. Unfinished. Rhisi thought it was actually fitting of the man she knows Oni to be.
I… Came to a realization last night in that discussion. I don’t want to die. Not anymore. Not like I once had. Somehow in my fear while watching Oni… In thinking I might be next… I realized I no longer wanted to die. I had never given the idea much thought since the day I tried to die outside of Occidens. I had wanted to die so badly. I had wanted to take those soldiers with me. Instead I had left a broken mess. I was saved and could not understand why. I was inches from death. Seconds maybe. Yet I was saved. For so long… I couldn’t understand why. I’m not entirely sure I still know why. Yet… Maybe I am finally on the path to understanding it.
Rhisi told me a small story. In a way she seems to think that the events that occurred on my nameday… That this is in a way a part of my rebirth. That it is like the warriors of her story. They live to fight an die in battle. Only to sometimes live. That it is not a second chance. It’s a path towards a rebirth. To accepting that they are alive an that is how they want to be. That the path is never easy. It can be dark, stormy, painful, and filled with fear. It’s the acceptance that is the rebirth. Realizing you want to be alive.
Maybe part of me did die that day. Maybe that part of me my uncle, Leon, an Dove saved was worth it. Worth breathing life back into. Even as broken an shattered as I was. That fragment they worked to restore… It just took me time to realize I wanted to be alive.
Of course this doesn’t mean some magic wand has been waved an I will be one hundred percent alright from now on. I’m still an imperfect creature. I am still finding my way in life. I am still figuring things out. I’ll still have moments where I doubt myself and my abilities. Where all I feel is the darkness in my own heart. That is still a part of who I am. There is no magical cure. There is no quick fix. But… There will always be people who love and care about me though. An somehow I will make it through even when my doubts threaten to drown me.
Oni… I am still unsure how I feel about him. Other then… I still want to be his friend. I was honest about that with him last night at Bronze Lake. I do not know if I can look at him the same way I once did. I do not know if I will ever be able to easily accept the predator he is deep down. I do know that the people of this company that know the truth trust him completely. Rhisi said he chooses us. He chooses to give everything he is to us. That even if he was half mad with hunger he would still do everything in his power to control himself and protect those he calls his family. Somehow… I need to find a way to accept this. In my own way. To come to terms with what lurks beneath that gentle exterior.
Leera… He knows I gave up the potion to Felix yesterday. Felix felt it was dangerous. That somehow it was some plot against Oni. I had never once intended to give it to Oni. Leera gave it to me. It was for my safety. But… I knew Felix wouldn’t let up. I didn’t want to ruin what is between Felix and I. Our friendship does mean a good deal to me. So I gave it to him. Apparently Leera had been nearby an observed. He contacted me over the linkpearl he had left me. I felt bad. I’m not sure if he thought I would lie to him as Felix asked me to or something else. He sounded disappointed. Whether it was just in Felix or the fact that I handed it over I do not know. One thing I will admit is that I am disappointed that I will not hear from Leera again for a time. He said he had to go away for a while. However I did let Felix know I would not stop talking to Leera just because I handed over that vial.
It is unfair to make me pick sides. To keep me in the dark an assume I should side with one based on words alone. I still think there is some shred of good in Leera. I will continue to keep this stance until he proves me wrong otherwise. Till he proves to me that there is no redemption for a soul like his. If I can accept Leera… Surely I can find a way to accept Oni as well. They are both dangerous in their own ways. I will find a way to come to terms with everything. One way or another. I hope. I believe.
There is one thing that bothers me though… I had stepped away from Felix, Dusk, an Rhisi to answer Leera. I told them it was something personal. Which.., It technically is. Still it feels so close to lying… I found myself unable to admit to who I spoke with. Not with Dusk and Felix present. I know their opinions of Leera. I knew they would frown upon it.
Damn it all… I totally did not have a chance to speak with Nate last night either. I spent the first half of the night enjoying the quiet as I was left alone. I mean Konner did come to check in with me which was kind of him. Eventually though Nate brought over a guest who was staying at the house. Yet I did not get a moment alone with him to speak with him about Feterra.
I had a first that night. Nate brought Taka over to me who was very visibly pregnant. I have never dealt with a pregnant person before. Nor have I ever had to check on the health of a child. I am still such a novice healer yet Nate… Seemed to think enough of my skills to bring her to me instead of Aimee. I was nervous and unsure. Yet… I think I did alright.
Overall… This past several days has been a literal whirlwind. I feel like I have been up an down and all over the place emotionally. Many good and bad. I think… Once I can sort through my feelings… Sort through how to handle everything… I will be just fine. Yes… I think that is accurate.
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