I must be so broken an be the only one who can not see it. How could I feel nothing about ten dead children! Ten! I felt numb and empty. Yet… I was so near to being sick watching the rest of the Order kill the bandits responsible. I spent the better part of two days wandering about wondering why I felt so little. Was I really so broken I could feel so little about dead children? That I could find no rage. That I could find no killing calm towards those responsible. Had I shattered myself so badly that day outside Occidens that I could no longer find that rage an anger for such a tragedy?
I thought I was going to be okay. I thought I could be strong an help those who needed it. I thought I could repay the kindness I have received ever since joining the Order. I told Rhisi I was fine. That I could find no rage like everyone else could. She hoped I would never find it again. I thought I was fine. But time only made me doubt myself.
I found Leera outside the house a few days ago. I was cautious at first as I usually am. I know what the others think of him. I know I can never fully trust him. But… He seemed like he was actually sorry about the whole incident. I found myself drawn towards him like a moth to a flame.
When Felix showed… I said words I should never had said. I felt as if a slap to my face would have been less painful or even a sword to the gut… He thought… I was stupid for wanting to be around Leera. Even though he was the one who first left me alone with him! Even though he never once thought to ask if I was okay after finding out the truth about Leera in person! He claims Leera is a monster an only wants to kill certain members of the Order… Yet… I see more to the man then that. I can see some shred of good in him. I want to believe that maybe there is a chance he can be something more.
Dusk had happened by during our exchange of words. She called my behavior childish… Maybe… I think I had a right to my feelings. I felt so raw and hurt. I felt so… Alone. I wanted to curl into a ball an wish the world away. I threw words at her. I told her how I felt. Blamed things on those that made me feel as if… as if… I was not a person. I blamed Oni and his treating Daisy and I as snacks. I blamed Aimee an her lack of making sure I knew my job as a healer for the Order. I blamed Felix for thinking less of me. I blamed everyone but my weak self at the time…
As she left I noticed Leera had left a linkpearl near me when he had left. I grabbed it an held it tight. I felt… Defiant. Hurt and defiant. I wanted to prove them wrong. Prove to them that maybe there was a shred of humanity inside the man they thought of as a monster. That even as fragile as I can be in their eyes… I can still be strong in different ways. Continue to reforge the broken parts of myself as I had been. I had been doing so well…
It was after that exchange that I had gone out with my bow. I was still feeling so raw an hurt. I figured a few drinks with Basteaux an forgetting the world was in order. Instead all I found was more pain. This time physical. I was forced to flee from some bandits as I was lacking care as I traveled through the woods. Somewhere along the line I had fallen. Tried to stop my fall with my bow hand. I know the wrist is sprained. And… I do not care. I welcomed the pain. Once I was safe I took the time to wrap my wrist and hand. Not well since I was doing it with only one hand.
I’m still so… Mixed. So hurt an sad. I don’t want to bother Rhisi. I don’t want to bother anyone. I just… I’m not sure what I want. I have avoided the hall since that night. I’ve avoided all contact with the rest of the Order. I’m… not sure… What I am going to do come tomorrow… I should be there for the mission… But… I just do not know… Twelve help me… Maybe I should use that linkpearl Leera left me… Is this a mistake? Should I have not picked it up at all? Maybe I should just let myself believe what they say about him instead… Is it really wrong of me to want to think that maybe Leera might change for the better with the right influences? I won’t know without trying… It could mean my death… It could mean more pain… I should be afraid… But I’m not…
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