It seems almost like a weekly ritual at this point to write in this journal after the beach gathering. However I am a few days early this time. I could not wait a few more days before writing here again. I have my reasons which I plan to write of course. I have a need to voice my feelings privately right now.
Dinner at the start of the week was pleasant enough. Though I painfully admit I do not recall much of what happened. Well other then Shaleth needing medical attention upstairs before dinner. However he did manage to lose his voice despite how I tried to help him. At least I was able to remove the pain he was feeling otherwise with some healing magic.
I seem to have a trend this week though. I can not recall when some of these events occurred. I know they occurred through the week but some of the days are just a blur. Not because they were busy. I can not say why so much of what happened has been so blurred. I hope it is not a sign that I am getting ill or something worse. I feel fine so maybe it is just a simple slip of the mind. I do have a lot on my mind of course. So it is very possible my problem is just too much going on that I can not process everything properly.
I did learn this week why Kagato wears an eye-patch. As well as why he seems to drink so heavily or hides behind a jovial mask. But I do not know if it is my place to say anything about his problems an my opinion is just that. An opinion. I can not say if what I believe is accurate. Only he could say if it is. So for now I shall keep my thoughts to myself or this journal. Though if he wishes for someone to speak to… I would be open to listening. My problems were no where in the same league as his are now but… I do remember the darkness of my own heart from those days past.
Rhisi took us out a few days ago to the North Shroud. We had a task to try an calm down some of the problems occurring near Fallgourd Float. Apparently the Dallahan were being troublesome. The Treants were also in a very displeased mood. We believe the Ixals were to blame so we went into their encampment to thin their numbers an hope that would calm down some of the disturbances in the area. I can only hope we were successful in the work we did that night.
I was in the house the next night just chatting an trying to make some more notes on some more difficult medical things. Such as the workings of the inner body an minor surgeries. Nothing overly complex but still I feel more at ease making notes. I feel I learn and remember things better this way. Well… Frost came by… I had to step outside for some fresh air. Especially after I had dropped my notebook an the stupid thing fell open to the doodles from the other week… I do not believe he saw them though.
I was still outside when Frost went to leave. I was finally able to apologize for Costa. He seemed as he usually did. Indifferent. I… I told him how I wanted to get to know him better. Possibly be friends. Only to be politely told he doesn’t really let anyone get to know him. If it is because of the… experiments… I’m not afraid. I’d say it is hard to be afraid of danger when you are so used to being at the center of it.
Of course Felix had such lovely timing… I nearly squeaked in surprise when back to the house as I was about done with my conversation with Frost. I had to wonder just how much he had heard. I talked with him for just a bit before I went back inside to rejoin the others. Where I spent some time talking with Rhisi. She wants me to talk with Aimee. Healing stuff mostly. Aimee… I do like her. She is just… A bit intimidating after that day in the medical room at the company house. I must say… Having a medical knife pointed at you because you startle someone is quite a surprise. Though I did in a unintentional way deserve it for bothering her. I guess I really do need to find time to speak with Aimee. If I can get her away from Oni. Oni… Still has not gotten even with me for Forgotten Springs. It makes me slightly paranoid.
Last night…
Last night was my first real mission. My first real healing job with the Order. It was… Much different then I expected. I am used to a fight against enemies, supporting those I am working with. Not an encampment of refugees outside Ul’dah. But I am not against helping those in need either. I guess I have just never considered doing such as an adventurer. We had a task to remove bee venom an help the healing process of those that had been stung because the local bees for some reason were… Very angry.
The first two people I helped went alright. There were no problems. Daisy even helped me by distracting the one lady while I worked. Thankfully I had some bandages handy in my pouch an gave them to Aimee and Dusk. (I might have had them because I was still debating if I wanted to turn Oni into a bandage mummy…) The third I tried to help started thrashing about… An I might have nearly lost my temper… I have been doing so well lately about keeping my temper leashed an under control too… I’m sure Aimee thinks less of me then before after that. I do not even have any sleep spells… Which was something she had asked me if I knew. Dusk had to help me out. I feel… Miserable. I feel like I should have been able to handle that better. These people were not adventurers or mercenaries. I should not have let myself think that way. I think… My teacher would be disappointed in me as well.
But… I will not sit in despair. I can not. I need to find my way past this. If I sit around an despair I will only find myself spiraling back down into the darkness of the past. I can not go back to that place again. If I do I am unsure if I can find my way free a second time… I will get past this somehow. I need to better myself. Learn from my foolishness. It was only my first true mission as a healer of the Order. I made a mistake. An I will find a way past that mistake. I have to.
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